Well, I done shown em again...(very long, selectively bad grammar) - by Statler(OLD)

These youngins all yappin about wanting a story so I went back to the front to show em I still got it in me after all these years. Now many of you folks may have heard rumors that your old man had gone an won an easy battle all by himself not but a few weeks back, and I must say them rumors were true enough. But I weren't finished there on account of all these youngins sayin it was just an easy battle and all. Well sure, they say...but them guys you beat were all weak to fire and you just had to burn the place down. So disrespectful some of these youngins...them and their newfangled sciences.

So I been training some as you may have heard to show all these kids that the old ways still work even in the toughest battles. And tonight I went out to the front again and whupped all them baddies real good again. So gather round and I'll tell a little about it.

Now it was a long trek out to the front and along the way I came accross a barbarian tribe or some such thing. Now them suckers are tough as nails but I have to wonder whether they got much brains to em. Anyways I noticed this tribe had some shamans in it and they were preparing for war. Well good, I says to myself, at least I'm headed toward where the action is. And so I came to the front and trekked my way into the abyss to face the enemy once more. Now I wasn't about to let some youngin use his newfangled sciences to help me, but I did know this was gonna be tough. I ain't quite so spry as I use to be in the old days ya know. I knew that my use of flame and spark wouldn't be enough without the aid of the arcane knowledge and the trust services of the fallen legion (may they rest in peace). Now my first encounters on the front came with some blue winged creatures and some pale-coloured lady-monsters. Now I was gonna go out of my way to let the lady folk evacuate the front, but the spat in my face and proceeded with the war. So I done burnt the place down and zapped the survivors. Now I gave them blue monsters a little zappin too, but them suckers are fire-breathers and I had to summon some of my departed companions on occasion to keep them suckers at bay.

Having cleared this area of evil I proceeded deeper into the battlefield. But all was quiet here so I went deeper yet. Now all this walkin is hard on an old man, but ya just can't trust the kids these days to go through with the task. Now anyways, I ran into more of these lady-folk now, but these ones were more fiercesome and throwin some mighty poisoned yellow stars my way. Now I had to think back to the old days and I knew these ladies didn't mind a little fire so I tried to scare em with some o' them sparks. But I didn't like them stars too much neither so I called some of my departed friends back into action too. Now when that I could trap some of these lady-fiends in a corner I was able to fry em with the good ole flash trick...but this warn't no easy task on account of em warmen-types being rather cowardly. Now defending these vicious ladies were some evil knights...and of course these were real tough guys and they didn't mind any fire neither. But these guys were more troublesome...get too close to one o them and they'll lop your head off good. Now it warn't no easy task but I took care of em with the ole flash trick and some clever decoying.

So I came upon the checkpoint to the main base. No need for finesse here...these youngins would think they could walk right in scrap the place with their science...bah. I just burnt the place down and let the arcane power wipe out all that remained. Now I had a score to settle with what were left of them monsters but I figgered I best take care of my job first. Can't be givin the kids a bad example now can we? So I made my way into the very heart of enemy territory for the final battles.

Now the final battle of the day was a good ole fashion fire fight. Now I always say fight fire with fire, so I done burnt everything up and let the dragons clean up what was left. Now some pretty mean looking knights came a charging my way, but I got some help from a departed friend who returned to the field as a decoy while I done burnt them suckers up. Now the captain of the guard looked plenty tough but he just couldn't handle the heat. So I called out the General of them monsters and said "Look here...I done gone and destroyed your whole army. You gonna do something about it or are ya gonna run away?" But this guy was as tough as they come and it took just about everything I had available to do him in.

Now when that general died, the whole army fled the scene. I tell you I'd like to see one of these youngins pull a trick like that. Ya know I just don't think they have it in em...they done been spoiled too much by all the good years. Looks like I'll have to fight the final battle by myself after all. Well then the time fer story tellin is gonna be rather scarce now isn't it...I'm gonna have to train a little for this one. I was a hopin I'd find some apprentice who'd be up to the task but I see I'm gonna have to defeat the army of evil all by myself. HRRhrrmm...what was that doc? Ah yes you're right of course...I'm 2 hours late on taking my medicine again. Guess I better take my pills and get my sleep...can't go dying off before the final task is done!

Jan/09/1999

The key battle is over, victory is surely ours!

How it is that I am even alive to tell this mighty tale is beyond my grasp, 'cause I thought sure I was dead after the final battle. Whether it be the quality of Ogden's ale or the power of Pepin's medicines that have perserved this day (I'm kinda leanin towards the ale), I am glad to still be around. Even if my part in the war is about done, I've gotta keep learnin' these youngins to respect the old ways. One of these days the wars will take another turn and them newfangled sciences ain't gonna be enough. Hey Ogden, let's keep em coming here I don't want to go dying in the middle of the story!

Ogden's a good man. Not like that youngin Wirt. He's got no respect whatsoever. Yeah I know he's got it tough and all, but we used to all have it tough. It just ain't the same these days.

Now where was I? Ah yes, the battle. It was a cold foggy night when they sent me in. "One last hurrah for the old man," they said. "Take em by surprise and maybe we end this thing." I kinda wonder whether they really thought I could do it, but that ain't important now. Anyways, I buttoned up the ole wolfskin coat and put on my thinkin cap and got myself some trainfare to head home, and then I was off to the front. Of course I knew I'd have to fight it on foot so I brought my walking sticks too.

Well, the surprise didn't last long I'll tell you that. No sooner had I reached the front then I was confronted by some of the enemies best foot soldiers. There were some of them big green snakes down there too, but I'm used to handlin varmins. OK so maybe it wasn't a sneak attack, but I've never been one to mind a fire fight. I called in the infantry to slow them suckers down and took them out by setting up a fire defence. They all got caught in a crossfire, and I guess they couldn't stand the heat.

After quickly making it through the initial defences and deeper into hostile territory, I encountered an encampment of the most common footsoldiers and some lady-friends from the north. Well I figure them lads had spent a bit too much time with the snow-folk, 'cause none of em fared too well when I called in the guns and burnt the town down.

Now as I ventured yet further, I found myself between a rock and a hard place. For here I found the men of the Doom Guard and some of the most vicious warmen-folk I've ever seen. I tell you warmen could get spunky back in the day but it warn't nuthin like this. Well it didn't take a fool to see that a firefight warn't gonna work here, and that's a darn good thing because I'm no fool. I was able to dazzle some of the guard with flashes o' light (guess they been bunkered in a bit too long), but getting too close to em was a bad idea. So I called in the infrantry to slow em down and then I fried em up good with some shrapnel shot. Now it didn't seem like nuthin would stop them warmen (and we all know there's nuthin like a mad lady), so I had to use extreme measures. I chased them ladies into a trap and then called in the mercenaries to finish em off. Them ladies were so vicious I had to pin em against the wall and keep dressin my wounds while they would claw away. Now this weren't pretty but we done 'em in, in the end.

So it was that I made it to the very mansion of the enemy prime minister! Of course, he warn't nuthin but a figurehead anyways, but I figured taking the place out would be a good diversion so I could get to the big dogs. Now I'm not gonna say there weren't no survivors, cause I didn't stick around long enough to find out. But when PM Laz went down I saw my chance to end this thing!

Now to get to the big man I had to take out a ton of the elite soldiers, but I handled that as easy as I'd done it the first time. A bigger problem were the snipers all over the place. My old reliable crew of foot soldiers were able to take out some of these cowards, but I didn't go out of my way to make friends with any of 'em. Finally, I got my one chance at a showdown. This is fine stuff Ogden, how 'bout another?

Hmm, ah yes, the final battle. What can I say? The guy was pure evil. It was my job to take him out, and wasn't about to leave it undone. I fired some solid shot into his chamber and he came out in a hurry. Guess he finally figgered his lackeys weren't up to the task and tried to get me himself. Well one of my men went for him but it warn't no good. So I decided it was time to finish it all there and then. I done set up the biggest fiery blaze you'll ever see, and chased that evil dog right into it. Well I reckon that was a bit too much for these old bones, but I done him in sure enough. I reckon the mop up crew musta got me out o' there somehow, but I sure don't remember it.

Now there ain't much more to this tale, but I hope you youngins larn something from it. It don't do you no good relyin on all the newfangled sciences to get you out of trouble. First ya need the guts, and then ya need the smarts, or you ain't got nuthin. Now in my day that's about all we had to work with but we did just fine. Anyhow you'd best get with it 'cause one of these days us ole geezers won't be around any more to save your skins....and from what I hear from ole Ogden, it sounds like another storm is brewin right quick.

Speaking of storms, it don't look so good out there. Guess I'd better start hoofin it or I'll miss my train.

Apr/02/1999