"OK, RBO-43, here's the script for the new show".
"Oooh, Meklar. So I get to play the all-conquering borg, assimilating the entire galaxy and forcing peace and happiness on my terms?"
"Uh ... no".
"Oh. That's OK. The Meklar make a pretty good antagonist, building a strong power that the hero can only overcome with a final, titanic struggle."
"Still no".
"No?"
"..."
"Hand that over."
<Flip, flip>
"Huh. The comic relief. I guess at least it's short".
-------
<A short while later...>
"Um, RB, could I have a word? Initial viewer responses are in, and I'm afraid we need to do a reshoot."
"Really, I'm kind of busy here..."
"You can try out for that Pirates role later. Right now, we need to redo your part in the game. I I know you were supposed to be comic relief, but that means 'funny' and your part came across more as 'so pathetic the audience feel sorry for you'. And some of your improv - I mean, the way you dithered about actually getting a second colony out..."
"You didn't provide me with any good planets!"
"... the way you hung around 'researching' IT10 at 40-50% for turn after turn after turn ..."
"That happens some times"
"... just turn the damn slider up like the script says next time! Sometimes there's such a thing as being too efficient. We did get a few laughs from that pair of Silicoid fighters rolling all your scout blockades up in sequence though - nice sequence."
"I did like the way I managed to get the timing just right - one turn faster with my fighters and I would have been there first, and spoiled the whole scene! Though I do think the audience might think it was fairer if I got free colony ships at my new frontier worlds like the other players do."
"However, letting the Psilons get into orbit above your homeworld was just seen as too grim."
"Look, that scene really worked! I loved the way I had to put half my pop into space to avoid losing the vote because every other race was in alliance! And that meant the production figures were lies - they said should have had a large cruiser and two missile bases completing that turn and I only got one base; audience should have been totally on the edge of their seats with the twist."
"Meh. No-one liked it. And that Hail Mary attack on the Psilons without even waiting to see if you could actually get orbital superiority? The audience just saw that as utterly unrealistic. No-one would do that in real life. I mean, even the dumb ones weren't surprised that the Psilons had eight larges waiting for you."
"Fine, fine, hand me the revised script. Maybe you'll have granted me one of the first three environmental control techs this time to go with all the barren worlds. No - you couldn't change that? What am I supposed to do? Trade for it with the Darloks ... OK. I can work with that."
------
"Oh, come on. You've got exactly the same thing with another race getting a cascade of colony ships escorted by peanuts and my fighters running around one turn too late. It's just that this time it's the Psilons, not the Silicoids - and with only one fighter. And them getting a world three parsecs from my home world on turn within the first ten turns, it's just ridiculous."
"Hey - you get four worlds this time- and two of them fertile! And you've got really good relations with the Psilons and Silicoids."
"Yeah - but look at the next page: Darloks declare war! How am I supposed to trade for Controlled Barren with them now? So, now I'm the bad guy, glassing their planets. And what's next - they're allied with the Silicoids? And the Silicoids have ships defending the Darlok worlds even although they're not at war with me? I guess that could be seen as funny, but teh humour goes a bit oddly with the whole 'glassing planets' thing.
Ooh - the alliance goes and ... is replaced by one with the Psilons? And they pull exactly the same trick of having their ships over the Darlok worlds? What next, do I tread on a rake repeatedly? Seriously.
Oh, they get annoyed enough with me that they declare war. And send a stack of larges with Death Spores to my worlds. Nice. Tens of millions of dead Meklar. Isn't this supposed to be a comedy? Tell you what - stuff this. I can get better parts than this just by snapping my fingers."
"Look, slow down, you're just going too fast - we can work with this. We'll just tweak it so you're not stupid enough to keep attacking the friendly ships and just wait for the alliances to wear off. Wait - where are you going: walk away from this and you'll never work in this town again!"
<Altercation continues. Roll credits.>
"Oooh, Meklar. So I get to play the all-conquering borg, assimilating the entire galaxy and forcing peace and happiness on my terms?"
"Uh ... no".
"Oh. That's OK. The Meklar make a pretty good antagonist, building a strong power that the hero can only overcome with a final, titanic struggle."
"Still no".
"No?"
"..."
"Hand that over."
<Flip, flip>
"Huh. The comic relief. I guess at least it's short".
-------
<A short while later...>
"Um, RB, could I have a word? Initial viewer responses are in, and I'm afraid we need to do a reshoot."
"Really, I'm kind of busy here..."
"You can try out for that Pirates role later. Right now, we need to redo your part in the game. I I know you were supposed to be comic relief, but that means 'funny' and your part came across more as 'so pathetic the audience feel sorry for you'. And some of your improv - I mean, the way you dithered about actually getting a second colony out..."
"You didn't provide me with any good planets!"
"... the way you hung around 'researching' IT10 at 40-50% for turn after turn after turn ..."
"That happens some times"
"... just turn the damn slider up like the script says next time! Sometimes there's such a thing as being too efficient. We did get a few laughs from that pair of Silicoid fighters rolling all your scout blockades up in sequence though - nice sequence."
"I did like the way I managed to get the timing just right - one turn faster with my fighters and I would have been there first, and spoiled the whole scene! Though I do think the audience might think it was fairer if I got free colony ships at my new frontier worlds like the other players do."
"However, letting the Psilons get into orbit above your homeworld was just seen as too grim."
"Look, that scene really worked! I loved the way I had to put half my pop into space to avoid losing the vote because every other race was in alliance! And that meant the production figures were lies - they said should have had a large cruiser and two missile bases completing that turn and I only got one base; audience should have been totally on the edge of their seats with the twist."
"Meh. No-one liked it. And that Hail Mary attack on the Psilons without even waiting to see if you could actually get orbital superiority? The audience just saw that as utterly unrealistic. No-one would do that in real life. I mean, even the dumb ones weren't surprised that the Psilons had eight larges waiting for you."
"Fine, fine, hand me the revised script. Maybe you'll have granted me one of the first three environmental control techs this time to go with all the barren worlds. No - you couldn't change that? What am I supposed to do? Trade for it with the Darloks ... OK. I can work with that."
------
"Oh, come on. You've got exactly the same thing with another race getting a cascade of colony ships escorted by peanuts and my fighters running around one turn too late. It's just that this time it's the Psilons, not the Silicoids - and with only one fighter. And them getting a world three parsecs from my home world on turn within the first ten turns, it's just ridiculous."
"Hey - you get four worlds this time- and two of them fertile! And you've got really good relations with the Psilons and Silicoids."
"Yeah - but look at the next page: Darloks declare war! How am I supposed to trade for Controlled Barren with them now? So, now I'm the bad guy, glassing their planets. And what's next - they're allied with the Silicoids? And the Silicoids have ships defending the Darlok worlds even although they're not at war with me? I guess that could be seen as funny, but teh humour goes a bit oddly with the whole 'glassing planets' thing.
Ooh - the alliance goes and ... is replaced by one with the Psilons? And they pull exactly the same trick of having their ships over the Darlok worlds? What next, do I tread on a rake repeatedly? Seriously.
Oh, they get annoyed enough with me that they declare war. And send a stack of larges with Death Spores to my worlds. Nice. Tens of millions of dead Meklar. Isn't this supposed to be a comedy? Tell you what - stuff this. I can get better parts than this just by snapping my fingers."
"Look, slow down, you're just going too fast - we can work with this. We'll just tweak it so you're not stupid enough to keep attacking the friendly ships and just wait for the alliances to wear off. Wait - where are you going: walk away from this and you'll never work in this town again!"
<Altercation continues. Roll credits.>
It may have looked easy, but that is because it was done correctly - Brian Moore
