Gamebooks (Choose Your Own Adventure Style)

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Revenge of Dungeon of Doom Part 1


If you want a recap for the first Dungeon of Doom, or the sequel Back to Dungeon of Doom, click the links.


"While they argue over whether Quasar Quest 3 is better than Ebony Dragon Empire (even though you've played both a million times), you browse the internet for new games". 


Quasar Quest 3 sounds like a spinoff of Sierra's Space Quest series.  Ebony Dragon Empire is probably a free-to-pay online RPG.  My nameless and genderless character who plays Velzon in the Dungeon of Doom games interrupts Tina and Jim's argument to tell them that Revenge of Dungeon of Doom will come out next Saturday.  "There's a launch event and cosplay contest at our local Emerald Games store, with prizes for the best warrior, wizard, and elf costumes that match the game artwork.  Sound familiar?"


Now Peter Friend is trolling us.  90% or more of Dungeon of Doom discussion takes place in this Realms Beyond thread, so he has to know about me, right?   


Tina "scowls" and wonders how there could possibly be a sequel when both Dungeon of Doom games had vanished from everyone else's memory.  Tina remembers killing the Emerald Sage both times, while Jim insists that a flying cat destroyed him.  He also remembers being turned into a mouse and being eaten by the flying cat, and the rolling head death.  Velzon is "still scared of bouncy castles".


Tina explains the situation with her "know-it-all voice":  "They're quantum echoes of alternate universes where we made other choices".  Yes, Peter Friend is reading this topic for sure.  Jim wants to make Iron Man or Wonder Woman deal with the Emerald Sage this time, but Tina says that they're not real and we are.  Tina attempts to warn her friend Gretchen from Back to Dungeon of Doom not to come, since she believes the previous book was a "cheesy movie we'd seen together" rather than a real adventure.


Norman the Emerald Sage renamed New York City "Emeraldia" in one path in the previous book, but the mayor told everyone that it was a "tourism advertising stunt".  Velzon proposes going to the cosplay contest this time in hopes of ending the adventure before it begins.  Jim is skeptical:  "But we need a better plan than 'We'll stop him somehow".


Jim makes his Wizard Zim costume out of a dyed bathrobe, a twig, and wool for a false beard.  Tina glues spray-painted cardboard boxes together for her Tina Warrior Princess outfit.  Velzon has to get "old silky trousers" from Retread Threads, a brown vest without all its buttons.  Rubber arrows and elf ears "from your Legolas Halloween costume last year" complete the outfit.  Gretchen insists on coming to the contest.  Diego shows up too.  Remember the Wizard Zim who's "a young woman in a patchwork robe of fake animal fur".  She'll be important later.  Two Tina Warrior Princess impostors are actually Warrior Princes.  One Tina Warrior Princess impersonator is wearing Hello Kitty decorations.


Tina wants to beat up Norman if he appears, but Jim "sneers" at the idea like a true wizard.  We spot the electronics in the building and speculate they're teleporters.  An "ancient wheezy voice" announces on the loudspeaker "Welcome to. . .Revenge of Dungeon of Doom!"  Velzon thinks the voice sounds too old to be Norman, and is either asthmatic or imitating Darth Vader.


The Hello Kitty version of Tina Warrior Princess jumps on stage, brandishes her sword, and growls.  Tina appreciates her acting.  When it's our turn to audition, Jim thinks Norman isn't here and we could win a real prize.  The voice says "Gadzooks, what splendiferous costumes".  The "gadzooks" alone makes me think he's a refugee from Liberal Crime Squad.  Anyway, we pose for the crowd, the voice says "perfect, don't move", and the purple lights are brightening.  We push all the buttons and make the lights explode! 


After some flashes of white and black, we're trapped on the "flagstone floor of a dungeon".  Our avatars are based on the costumes rather than the game's programming:  Tina's armor says KEEP FROZEN, Zim has a "real woolly beard", and only one of Velzon's ears is pointed because one of the costume parts must have detached.  Unfortunately, the other cosplayers are here too.  The female Zim formerly wearing the fake fur outfit is mortified:  "I can't wear this, I'm a vegan!"  One Velzon is happier in the game, since his wheelchair has become a "brass throne with six mechanical legs".


Two Wizard Zims gaze at a skull wall carving wearing a "rusty steel crown".  The narrator isn't impressed because there are so many skulls anyway, even compared to "Tina's heavy metal t-shirt collection".  Purple flames shoot out of the skull's eyes and Norman speaks, with the same voice from the game store.


"So scared of me that you brought a whole army this time?  Fools!  I only need three of your skeletons to invade your world, and you've just made that easier for me.  I could kill the lot of you with one snap of my fingers, but no, it will be more interesting to watch my dungeon kill you one at a time, starting right now".


Is this going to be an escort mission?  Oh well, it doesn't matter that much considering our characters seem to be Level 1 anyway.  Tina was useless in the first book!


A wild "slaughter slug" appears.  It's as big as a car and can attack with teeth and tentacles.  One Tina demands to speak to the manager and is promptly eaten.  "She screams, flickers red and turns to dust, leaving just a skeleton behind".  Not even one CHOICE in and Norman gets his first skeleton?  How unfair.


Some Velzons are proactive and try to shoot arrows at the slaughter slug.  But according to Dungeon of Doom's monster manual, nothing short of a "magma fireball" can damage them.  A few Tinas bump into each other.  My Velzon tells the others that slaughter slugs are so slow you can casually walk away.  Tina runs away with someone who's probably Gretchen, the Walking Throne Velzon, and Hello Kitty Tina.  Zim wants to jump down a trapdoor too narrow for the slaughter slug.  CHOICE #1 is whether to follow Tina or Zim. 


If anything pleases the Peanut Gallery, it's finding the funniest way to die.  And the surest way to go about it is to trust the wizard.  But this post is long enough, so the results will have to wait for the next one.

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Revenge of Dungeon of Doom Part 2


Zim and I descend through the trapdoor by ladder.  Goblins are smiling, a bad omen to the narrator.  I'm the last person to escape from the slug.  The goblins are here, but they run away after they climb down my back.  They smell like "wet dog and broccoli".  One male Tina with battleaxes wonders what they are while swinging his weapons.  Vegan Zim notices that the goblins are carrying human bones up a stone staircase.  White Beard Zim dismisses the goblins as "nothing to worry about".


The scenery around here has "dead trees in ceramic pots" in an arch.  The narrator thinks it's a failed experiment.  Real Zim believes there are hundreds more goblins nearby.  White Beard Zim isn't concerned:  "Let me tell you something, kid-my beard's real, and I've been playing Dungeons and Dragons since 1979.  I've killed thousands of goblins".  Not with only 1 Magic Missile charge!  White Beard Zim activates the crystal on his staff as Real Zim tries to warn him that this isn't Dungeons and Dragons.


(Why is an arrogant Dungeons and Dragons player attending a cosplay contest for a 4th rate imitation RPG?)


Real Zim asks what kind of wizard Vegan Zim is.  She says she's a "tribal shaman, in touch with the animal spirits of the natural world".  Maybe she should have reconsidered having a carnivore such as a leopard as one of her spirits!  Druid must be a subclass of Mage in the Dungeon of Doom series.  Vegan Zim wonders whether being transformed into a "part leopard and part zebra and part lizard and so on" counts as "animal exploitation or genetic modification".  She wants to ask her "online vegan support group" to work out the ethics. 


"Support group" is a strange choice of words, as if Vegan Zim considers her diet to be an addiction rather than her decision.  The male Tina with the axes is named Brian, and he thinks this adventure is a nightmare caused by eating "camembert as a midnight snack".


The narration hints at the correct path for CHOICE #2:  stay with White Beard Zim, attack the goblins, and find out why human bones are important to Norman's plan.  The other decision is to go "past the tentacles" around the tunnel to investigate a "mysterious purple glow".  Narration offers one consolation to those choosing this path:  "White Beard Zim's a pain and won't listen to anyone and maybe you're safer without him".


The tentacles are from the slaughter slug at the beginning.  I notice "three sets of human-sized boot prints" and a smaller crowned skull with crystal eyes.  Going toward the purple glow may have been a good idea:  White Beard Zim screams in the distance and is abruptly silenced.  Brian points out that the way to survive in a dungeon is to run away from screaming, in contrast to Vegan Zim who wondered if we should have helped him.


Perhaps the humans fell into a trap.  I kick a flagstone into the hole where the footprints ended, and there's a splash after a long descent.  Real Zim casts a Spectral Span spell to place "trans-elemental solid smoke" over the gap.  Brian worries it's glass, but Real Zim insists it's safe so long as no unicorn horn touches the spell.  "Brian looks around suspiciously for unicorns, then reluctantly lets you and Vegan Zim lead him over, his eyes tightly closed".


I try to warn Real Zim that there might be more traps, but he doesn't listen and we all fall into a pit.  Vegan Zim has turned into a dolphin!  No word on whether she's now a drill sergeant too.  The narrator wonders if one of Real Zim's spells backfired.  Brian wants to become an animal that can swim, and he isn't picky.  A shark, goldfish, or turtle would also do.  When we crash, we end up in water so dark that we can't tell the location of the surface. 


That wasn't Real Zim who carried out the transformation.  Vegan Zim shapeshifts into a polar bear now.  Real Zim cast an "air bubble spell" on himself, and I hold onto Brian as we swim to the surface.  We see an aquatic cavern with small lights on the walls and ceiling.  We're sitting on what seems to be a dinosaur that has a bent gold crown, dwarven armor, steel breastplates, and "a thick silver chain".


The "dinosaur" awakens and is insulted at being called one.  It's really a "sea dragon", and demands that we give it all our metal in exchange for saving our lives.  Oh well, we're probably going to the magnet cave from Final Fantasy 4 anyway.


Our sea dragon must be a lich.  It's an armored skeleton kept alive with a "draconic aura".  Goblins stole a leg and the Amethyst Sage cast a spell that destroyed its original body.  Either the sea dragon has failed to remember the Emerald Sage, or there's more than one evil jewel themed wizard in this game. 


Velzon has a coin pouch, a knife, and arrowheads.  Brian as a Fighter would have to give up the most, since he'd lose his axes and armor.  Real Zim barely has any metal since stereotypical Wizards don't need it.  CHOICE #3 is whether to yield all metal to the sea dragon, or try to swim for it.

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Revenge of Dungeon of Doom Part 3


Trying to swim away from a sea dragon is a bad idea.  Velzon throws some gold coins into its mouth, and Zim gives it a pendant and more coins.  The other three people who fell down the trap had drowned according to the sea dragon.


"Have you found a boat spell or something in your spell book yet?' you ask Real Zim.  'No, it's not a very nautical spell book - most dungeons aren't as wet as this one'.  The sea dragon's submerged now, and the water's already up to your knees.  Brian closes his eyes.  'That magic bridge you made out of sparkly smoke', you say to Real Zim.  'Was it lighter than water?'


'Huh?  Oh, I get what you mean.  I'll try it'.  He throws another pinch of silvery dust, and a sparkly transparent bridge materializes and splashes into the water and. . .doesn't sink.  You and Real Zim dogpaddle over to it, and Vegan Zim swims on her back, carrying Brian on her furry stomach.  'This cave must have an exit somewhere', Vegan Zim looks around.  'How do we get this bridge moving?'


'Bridges are supposed to stay in one place', Real Zim grumbles.  'At least I'm thinking about how to get out of here.  Got any better ideas?'  No one does.


It makes no difference anyway.  Moments later, the sea dragon bursts from the water and capsizes the bridge.  'If your master the Sage wants more bones, give him your own!'  it roars.  Before you can even start to explain, it bites you in half".


The ending continues from here in the Emerald Games store.  I have a stomachache and no one in the store remembers why they're dressed as Dungeon of Doom characters.  We learn in the afternoon that Norman had conquered the world, 'But that's another story".


I'll count deaths in the video game/alternate dimension as Deaths in the score.  Dungeon of Doom books are inconsistent as to whether fatalities in the dungeon cause the characters to perish in reality.


Results So Far


0 Good Endings

1 Death

0 Bad Non-Death Endings

0 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Revenge of Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings 1


To reach CHOICE #4, we have to surrender our metal to the skeleton sea dragon.  My only remaining arrow has a "blessed tooth of a crystal-wyrm" for a tip.  Vegan Zim points out she has no metal because she's a polar bear.  Real Zim had to give up his pendant, his money, and a "creepy spiral-bladed dagger".  I toss one of Brian's shoulder pads to the dragon's mouth, but he refuses to give up the rest of his armor.


"You want metal?  Here, have these!"  Brian throws his axes at the sea dragon's mouth, only to find new axes in his hands.  Real Zim is astounded:  "Infinite Axes!  You're so lucky, they're incredibly rare".  Brian is pleased, but gets tired after throwing about 100 axes at the sea dragon.  The monster thinks they're tasty, and says it won't drown us "not yet anyway".


The seven-legged sea dragon wonders how such stupid adventurers like us could work for the Amethyst Sage.  I clarify that we're seeking the Emerald Sage.  Apparently many years have passed in Dungeon of Doom since the 2nd book.  That would explain why Norman's voice sounded so old.  The sea dragon transports us to Octavius the kraken to find out if we're lying.  "Two jewel-like golden eyes open, each wider than you are tall".  Real Zim panics.


"Behold, the travelers between worlds have come. . .I, Octavius, the all-knowing oracle, have foreseen their infinite
futures.  They shall either save this world and their own, or doom both for eternity".  The sea dragon is incredulous, and refers to us as a "half-elf, a skin-walker who doesn't know it, a wizard who's scared of cephalopods, and a dozing warrior".


Octavius can't tell us what to do.  He can see possible futures, not CHOOSE them.  Norman now wants to make a bone golem.  He's moved on from plant magic to being an "osseomancer".  Not only are there necromancers in Dungeon of Doom, but necromancer kits.


A bone golem from Dungeon of Doom land could tear the dungeon to pieces, but bones from Earth are needed to invade that world.  We're taken to a "slimy brick dock" that the goblins use.  We spot some lights, but Vegan Zim notices they're "scorpions with glowing tails".  We move past them through the tunnel to a "vertical shaft" with blue sky at the top.  Goblin footprints ascend the walls, and the only explanation Real Zim and I can come up with is a Gravitative Rotation spell.


Real Zim thinks Norman will be protected with aura spells, so he must have played Baldur's Gate.  I point out that most of our weapons are gone, but Vegan Zim can transform into animals.  Brian is optimistic about chopping up the golem with Infinite Axes.  Vegan Zim turns into a chihuahua, saying that it scared her brother, and Norman may have a secret fear that we don't know about.


We see the golem, made with mismatched human and sea dragon bones.  Norman is carrying bones right now, and looks like "an old man in a robe".  That could describe every wizard in a bad fantasy book, and even some of the good ones!  


CHOICE #4 is either to talk to Norman or attempt a futile surprise attack.  Reckless decisions are what give this thread its appeal!


Real Zim does have "wizard-destroying spells" in his book, but they either need a high level wizard or "weird ingredients like pig wings".  Vegan Zim launches the attack initially disguised as a goblin.


"Look out, your imperial Sageness, it's an elephant!!' the goblin continues.  Up on the ladder, Norman looks where the goblin's pointing.  'Elephant?  What's an elephant?'  The goblin transforms into an actual elephant-oh, it's Vegan Zim, of course-and charges the golem, hitting it so hard that it topples over.  The ladder falls too, taking Norman with it.  He gets back to his feet, points his wand at Vegan Zim and opens his mouth to cast a spell.


Norman's hit by a thrown axe.  Well, almost.  Just inches away from him, the axe swerves away harmlessly, as does the next axe, and the next one-that must be his aura forcefield thingy protecting him.  Brian keeps trying though, bravely hurling axe after axe.  You draw your bow to fire your crystalwyrm arrow.


Norman chants something in a sing-song voice, and all four of you rise into the air, bobbing around like helium balloons.  Brian can't aim his axes and you can't aim your bow.  Real Zim fires a beam of swirling green light but miss completely, disintegrating part of a castle wall instead.  Vegan Zim transforms into an eagle, then a dragon, then a bat, but none can break free from the spell.


'I suppose you think you're heroes?  Think you've saved your nasty little world?'  Norman screams, his face crimson.  'No, you've merely delayed my victory by a few days while I rebuild my golem, using YOUR bones!'  He snaps his fingers.  Every inch of you hurts.  You can't move, can't even breathe.  Everything turns black, and-"



We've returned to Emerald Games like in the previous Death.  Real Zim and I agree to play video games next Saturday, but on Thursday Norman unleashes his bone golem and conquers Earth.  Despite being from a video game, he abolishes electricity, the Internet, and computers.  If an elephant can knock down a bone golem, couldn't a bomb destroy it?  Oh well, this is the planet where New York can be renamed Emeraldia without anyone thinking it's unusual.  Dungeon of Doom humans must be more gullible.


EDIT:  Forgot to mention that Real Tina is implied to be dead for real in this ending.  Real Zim and Velzon don't remember her.


Results So Far


0 Good Endings

2 Deaths

0 Bad Non-Death Endings

0 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Revenge of Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings 2


When we try diplomacy, Vegan Zim looks like a possibly-embarrassed leopard.  She dismisses the idea of becoming an elephant, and Real Zim doesn't have any pig wings.  To look as non-threatening as possible, Vegan Zim transforms into a rabbit, Real Zim and I drop our weapons, and Brian has to settle for folding his arms "to not look like an axe murderer". 


We discuss metaphysics with Norman, but do not ask him "What can change the nature of a man?"


"You're not real, Norman', you continue.  'You're a fictional character in a game called Dungeon of Doom.  It was once our favorite game-Tina, Jim, and I played it hundreds of times, and so did millions of other people all around our world.  We died in the game, over and over again, but it was so much fun that each time we just started again.  Until one day when something went impossibly wrong, and the three of us fell into this world'.



Real Zim, better known as Jim back in the real world, nods.  'And once we escaped, we never played it again'.  'I remember', Norman mutters.  'The dungeon was never the same after that.  You three ruined everything'.  'We never wanted to ruin anything, especially not our favorite game', you say.  'It could have happened to anyone-pure bad luck that it was us'.


He sniffs.  'I'm a fictional character, am I?  How do you know YOU'RE not fictional characters?'  No, don't let him change the subject.  'You're a very important fictional character', you insist.  'This dungeon wouldn't be the same without you'.  'True'.  'And the most special thing about fictional characters is that they're immortal.  In this world, even if you die, you're alive again next time someone plays the game'.


'Naturally.  What's strange about that?'  'In our world, when anyone dies, they stay dead'.  He raises his eyebrows again.  'What?  Dead forever?'  Everyone nods.  He pulls two wands from his robes and chants something, and suddenly you feel like a million ants are running around in your skull.  Totally gross.


'Hmmph', he says.  'You're actually telling the truth.  What a stupid world you live in'.  'It is pretty stupid', Vegan Zim sighs.  'Global warming and reality television and pandemics.  You wouldn't like it, trust me'.  He glares at you.  'So, what exactly are you suggesting, half-elf?'


Here goes nothing.  'Use your amazing magic to send us back to our own world and heal the Dungeon of Doom game.  People from our world will still be able to visit here by playing the game, and you'll be the immortal Emerald Sage forever.  Or Amethyst Sage, any color of sage you like'. 


'You talk too much'.  He flicks his wand, and everything turns black".


All three of the original Dungeon of Doom heroes return to Emerald Games, where we're embarrassed by our tacky costumes.  Norman's still struggling to speak on the loudspeaker, but now he takes pride in being a video game villain.  The cosplay contest isn't a trap this time, and we all win copies of Dungeon of Doom and T-shirts.  No word on what happened to Vegan Zim and other supporting characters.

 
Norman's immortal, but he's now an "ancient" man.  Will he go to Earth to commit suicide one day?  In the novel The Misenchanted Sword, Valder becomes immortal but still ages, so he at one point tries to kill himself in a fight by fulfilling his sword's curse.  As for fictional character status bringing immortality, there's a similar concept in the 19th century book The Heroine by Eaton Barrett.  This immortality is conditional, however, since if your book is forgotten entirely, you die.  (Please read The Heroine!  If you've read enough Gothic literature or at least bad modern fanfics, you'll laugh.)


Results So Far


1 Good Endings

2 Deaths

0 Bad Non-Death Endings

0 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Revenge of Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings 3


What happens when we don't fall into the sea dragon cavern in CHOICE #2?  White Beard Zim is still doomed.  "Take that, goblin scum.  Taste the wrath of my Staff of Smiting.  Get back, or I'll. . .no, take your filthy clothes off me!  Noooo!'  His voice cuts out mid-scream, and his Staff of Smiting bounces down the stairs and at your feet".


Brian figures out he has Infinite Axes earlier in the story, however.  He tosses some at the slaughter slug trying to enter the trapdoor and cuts a tentacle.  Real Zim wants nothing to do with the Staff of Smiting.  The slaughter slug is getting closer, and goblins are approaching.  CHOICE #5 is whether to climb the dead tree arch and investigate the dark grey ceiling tile, or fight the goblins.


I thought making a last stand would be an easy Death, but Peter Friend has other ideas.  Vegan Zim has a questionable definition of "pacifist":  she has an orange belt in karate.  "Dozens" of goblins are about to attack, but a deus ex machina happens when the seemingly dead tree picks up the Staff of Smiting, shoots bubbles at the goblins, and causes them to explode.  The tree knows the Emerald Sage and is apparently "hunting him too".


Norman never abandoned his hortimancy:  someone else "drained" it and almost destroyed him.  The tree explains how Norman became the osseomancer Amethyst Sage, and that the bone golem will serve as a portal to Earth.  The tree picks us up, and Vegan Zim turns into a tiger while panicking.  She then becomes a penguin and a unicorn.  Brian thinks his Infinite Axes are better than animal transformations, but the narration drily says "The tree probably doesn't think axes are cool at all".


While climbing the stairs, the tree shoots the Staff of Smiting and makes a "four-legged wingless bird creature" burst.  The tree's still wearing the pots around its roots, and the noise frightens some other animals away.  A frog carving trap means nothing to the tree, whose trunks absorb the arrows.  Fire from the stone lizards' breath is Super Effective against Grass, so the tree has to retreat and take more arrows from the frog trap.  Even the Staff of Smiting fails.  Real Zim wonders if the bone golem is real since he doesn't trust the plant.


All party members try their attacks on the lizard statues.  I shoot an arrow, Vegan Zim becomes a gorilla and throws rocks, Brian throws Infinite Axes, and Real Zim casts an icicle spell.  I notice goblin footprints nearby, and figure that Norman would have to make a simple way to help them avoid the trap.  I press a red dot on a cobblestone and it turns green, like a traffic light.  It only lasts about 5 seconds, and Vegan Zim becomes a woodpecker and pecks in time to prevent the tree from learning the secret of the timer.


CHOICE #6 is whether to leave the tree behind, or tell it about the traffic light because it's much better than our party.  Always trust a tree, unless you're trapped in Final Fantasy 5.


"Goodbye, tree', you say under your breath, without looking back.  'Everyone, get ready to run for your lives'.  With your boot, you press the red cobblestone.  It turns green and the ticking starts.  'Go!'

You sprint away, hoping this wasn't a terrible mistake.  Vegan Zim races past at leopard speed.  Behind you, the tree shouts angrily and its pots scrape along the floor, faster and faster.  Uh-oh.  Gasping for breath, you pass the final carved lizards and look back.  Brian's right behind you, but Real Zim's further back, puffing and panting, and he's lost one of his boots.  Not far behind him, the tree strides closer and closer.


'Faster!' you shout.  At Real Zim, not at the tree-obviously, as Vegan Zim would say.  Only a few yards away, Real Zim trips on the hem of his robe.  You dash back and grab him, trying not to think about how soon the ticking's going to stop.  But it does stop, and the last thing you both see is flames".


This ending follows Choose Your Own Adventure conventions by including a "last thing you see" followed by the cause of death.  Having a male character trip for no reason instead of a female character is avant-garde.


Everyone's back in Emerald Games, though both Gretchen and Real Tina are present now.  Norman invades Earth the next morning.


Results So Far


1 Good Endings

3 Deaths

0 Bad Non-Death Endings

0 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Revenge of Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings 4


The tree walks clumsily, but it can move for yards per step.  The tree shakes out the arrows stuck in its trunks, picks us up, and touches the traffic light cobblestone with the Staff of Smiting.  Vegan Zim gives a backhanded compliment to the plant:  "You're the fastest tree I've ever met.  Not that that's saying much, obviously".  One cast of the Staff of Smiting annihilates an "iron-reinforced oak door" but is harmless to some brambles nearby.


What does get rid of the brambles is a few hundred Infinite Axes from Brian.  The tree reveals its identity as Exdeath in the following dialogue:  "Thank you, little axe man.  I am most grateful for your help, and truly sorry that I must kill you soon, but this may be my only chance".  We're now in the courtyard, and the castle ruins are more dilapidated than in Back to Dungeon of Doom.


We walk toward the bone golem, and the tree greets its master:  "Hail, noble Amethyst Sage.  Behold, I have what you desire, a third skeleton from the other world".  The tree "crushes Brian dead" but the narration doesn't explain how.  Vegan Zim is "such a pacifist" that she wants to burn it up as a dragon.  What rules do ethical vegans have regarding intelligent plants?  THAT would be a question for Vegan Zim's "support group"!


Norman asks the tree what reward it would like to have for giving him Brian's skeleton.  It says it just wants to "admire you magnificent golem", but the narration isn't falling for that line.  Real Zim thinks we should "bash the bone golem" while the tree and Norman are distracted.  Vegan Zim presents the option of "trash the tree".  A third option for CHOICE #6 is to "slay the spire sage".


"You nod at Vegan Zim.  'It killed Brian for no reason.  It deserves to die'.  'Obviously'.  She transforms into a blood-red dragon the size of a house and breathes fire over the tree.  It becomes a shrieking bonfire for a couple of seconds, then two charred human skeletons fall to the ground.


Two skeletons?  One must be Brian, but. . .the tree was actually human too!  Before you can work that out, Norman chants something in a spooky sing-song voice.  To Vegan Zim's surprise, she turns back into human form, and she, you, and Real Zim rise into the air like helium balloons.


'There's no need to set fire to each other just to get my attention'.  Norman descends the ladder.  'What do we have here?  A dead hortimancer, and a therianthropist, and a rather average wizard?  Were you trying to outnumber me?  I'm almost impressed.  But even a dozen magic users would be no match for me, the Amethyst Sage-I am a master of sorcery and shall soon rule two worlds'.


He walks over to the still smoking skeletons of Brian and the tree, frowns, and kicks them aside.  'No, no, these won't do, they're all burnt'.  He looks up and grins nastily.  'Which one of you wants the honor of completing my bone golem?  No volunteers?  Then I'll use a charming little saying from your world. . .eeny, meeny, miny, moe'.  On 'moe', he's pointing at you.  He snaps his fingers, and. . ."


I return to Emerald Games, and neither Tina nor Jim are here.  I can't remember their appearances, and I'm also forgetting their names.  One TV shows the news:  the 30 foot tall bone golem is hurling a cop car at a burning building.  One cosplayer thinks it's a movie preview and compliments the special effects.



Results So Far


1 Good Endings

4 Deaths

0 Bad Non-Death Endings

0 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Revenge of Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings 5


To "bash the bone golem", Real Zim thinks of a spell called Jaganat's Osseous Dissolvent.  Thrindle's Combustion wouldn't work in this scenario, I guess.  Real Zim happens to have the proper ingredients:  "three pickled frog's eyes, a dead man's nose hair, powdered unicorn horn, and a blue ruby bottle".  How do wizards invent spells with such specific components in the first place? 


Vegan Zim transforms into a gray monkey to run fast and to blend in with the background.  The tree's flattering Norman, but our villain is cautious around the Staff of Smiting.


"Vegan Zim accepts a tiny blue bottle from Real Zim, and crosses the courtyard, darting from one hiding place to the next. She disappears behind a pile of rubble for so long you start to worry.  No, there she is, climbing the golem's back, still unnoticed by Norman and the tree.  A moment later she peeps over on the golem's rusty crown, just a yard behind Norman, and slams the bottle onto the golem's head.


But the bottle doesn't break-instead it slips out of her monkey hand and bounces down the golem.  Whoops.  Norman whirls around, waving his wand, and just like that, Vegan Zim's human skeleton falls to the ground.  Oh no. 


He turns back to the tree and smiles nastily.  'So now I have the final skeleton I need.  What a strange coincidence that this human should attack while you're trying to distract me with your flattery-was that your feeble plan?'  Without waiting for an answer, he uses his wand to fire a beam of black lightning at the tree.  The tree responds with a stream of bubbles from the Staff of Smiting.  Lightning and bubbles meet in a cloud of shimmering smoke and a screech that hurts your ears.


So much for destroying the golem.  Everything's gone wrong.  But then a twinkle of blue attracts your eye-it's the blue ruby bottle, lying precariously between two bones on the golem's left knee.  You pull an arrow from your quiver.  Not just any arrow-this is tipped with the blessed tooth of a crystalwyrm.  You draw your bow, wait for the smoke to clear a little, then fire.  Clink.  Great shot-you hit the bottle.  But did it break?  You only had one crystalwyrm arrow.


The leg wobbles, then the golem slowly sags and topples over.  Success!  Norman screams and casts lightning strikes at the tree until it disintegrates.  A human skeleton falls to the ground.  Huh?  The tree was really a human?  From the dungeon world or the real world?  Norman looks surprised by the skeleton too.  'Filthy humans, always ruining my plans!'


What's left of the golem collapses into a puddle of bony goo, which enrages Norman all over again.  Using both hands and two wands, he casts a spell that makes the ground shake and shatters the remaining courtyard walls.  It also shatters you and Real Zim."


This ending defies my classification scheme.  It's a Death by the rules mentioned earlier, but the postscript narration presents it like a Good Ending.  But it also says Norman could just build another golem, which sounds like a Neutral Ending.  Neutral Endings are meant for conclusions where the ending state is similar to the beginning.  If the heroes had stayed home, would anything have changed?  If the answer is "no", it's a Neutral Ending.


Results So Far


1 Good Endings

4 Deaths

0 Bad Non-Death Endings

1 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Revenge of Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings 6


Vegan Zim is more useful in this final CHOICE #7 confrontation.  Real Zim tells the party that Norman has a "Prismatic Infernal Shield Aura" that blocks attacks, but diminishes when different types of damage are inflicted on it.  The Prismatic Infernal Shield Aura also requires a "pint of fresh blood every midnight", but that detail is irrelevant.


"As expected, his Prismatic Infernal Shield Aura swerves the arrow away at the last moment, and as you'd hoped, Norman blames the tree and angrily fires a beam of black lightning at it.  The tree dodges and fires back with the Staff of Smiting, and Norman's aura saves him again.


Before Norman and the tree work out what's happening, Vegan Zim transforms into a blood-red dragon and breathes fire over Norman.  Still protected by the Aura, he wildly fires black lightning at her but misses.  The Aura's flickering-hopefully that means it's damaged.  You nod at Real Zim, and he casts a vortex boomerang which lazily spins through the air, pierces the weakened Aura, and slices through Norman's neck.  His head tumbles from the golem to the ground, followed by his body.


Vegan Zim flames his corpse with dragon fire until it's nothing but ash.  'Yeah, a bit violent, I know, but obviously we need to be absolutely sure'.  'Obviously!' you and Real Zim shout, grinning.  She transforms from dragon back into human form and pokes her tongue out.  Behind you, the golem takes a step.  What?


The tree waves down from the golem's head.  'Thank you, my little friends, the golem is now complete and at last I can return home to the real world'.  What?  'You're from the real world, like us?  Then you don't need the golem-all of Norman's magic will fade away now he's dead, so we'll automatically return to the real world', you yell up at it.


'We will?  But I still need the golem-how else will I conquer Earth?  Do not worry, I shall rule kindly, so long as everyone obeys my every command'.  What, what, what?"


The human tree never becomes Emperor of Earth.  He's only a "wild-eyed young man" at Emerald Games trying to swipe White Beard Zim's staff.  Vegan Zim asks if we know her, and my character has a "strange urge" to say "Obviously".


It's another Good Ending, but not the best according to the narration since Norman had to die. Can't he just resurrect anyway since he's a video game character?  Don't tell me this is an R.A. Montgomery CYOA where the laws of the book change between any given CHOICE!


Vegan Zim reminds me of a Harry Potter fanfic character someone made called Emerald Greene.  She was a vegan too, and wanted a "de-meat" charm for her meals.  That wouldn't bring the animal back to life!


EDIT:  The tree was trapped in the game for a total of 30 years.  20 as a human, and 10 as a tree.  He had to eat goblins.


Results So Far


2 Good Endings

4 Deaths

0 Bad Non-Death Endings

1 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Revenge of Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings 7


Isn't there one more ending on the Real Zim route?  Let's climb the evil tree and find out!


"It only takes a few seconds to climb to the upper branches, but when you push against the darker section of ceiling, it doesn't move-it's not a trapdoor after all.  Dung balls, as Tina would say.  A branch wobbles beneath your feet-perhaps the trees aren't as sturdy as they looked.


'Maybe I should use my infinite axes to chop these trees down, so we could build a barricade?'  Brian hacks at a branch.  The branch lurches and Brian squeals.  Both trees are moving-no, they're not two trees, it's one tree-like creature, wearing pots on its feet as if they're shoes.  Before you can leap to safety, its branches grab all four of you and squeeze.


The last thing you hear is the tree growling, 'I hate axes!' and everything turns black".


At first I thought this CHOICE #5 Death was a cheap trick since in the previous Dungeon of Doom books it was a bad idea to fight much of the time.  Then I realized Peter Friend is asking readers to pay attention to the previous books more closely.  Norman was a hortimancer, so anyone who's read them should be aware plant traps are coming.


According to the last line, "nothing makes sense ever again" when Norman conquers Earth, but wouldn't the novelty wear off after a while in the new order? 


Real Tina keeps her "dung balls" catchphrase from Back to Dungeon of Doom.  In the next posts, we'll follow her and other supporting characters like Hello Kitty Tina.


Results So Far


2 Good Endings

5 Deaths

0 Bad Non-Death Endings

1 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings