Gamebooks (Choose Your Own Adventure Style)

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Revenge of Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings 8


In an alternate universe, I pursue Real Tina.  She and Hello Kitty Tina must have charged ahead.  Walking Throne Velzon is getting used to his magical wheelchair by climbing steps.  Three goblins take the bones "I want to speak to the manager" version of Tina away.   The narration wonders whether or not goblins eat bones.


Some characters still go through the trapdoor that leads to the sea dragon or evil tree paths, such as White Beard Zim, "another Zim", and "a ponytailed Velzon" that we haven't noticed before.


Blue Hair Girl Tina and Green Hair Boy Tina are only with me because they're confident in Hello Kitty Tina's prowess.  Walking Throne Velzon says "it's a shame it's only imaginary" and I explain that we're trapped in the video game when he asks about what's occurring.  Walking Throne Velzon is "sounding a bit smug" when he offers a ride to me, Green Hair, and Blue Hair.  (Those hair nicknames are actually in the book.  They're not my snide remarks.)


We see a carved skull with a rusty crown and purple jewel eyes that "sparkle like Xmas tree lights".  Does this video game also come with an NES character limit that Christmas would exceed?    Several Velzons and Zims are attacking an "orange ogre" with fireballs and bows once we reach the top of the stairs.  Hello Kitty Tina decapitates it with her oversized sword.  She'll have to twirl it around like Cloud's Buster Sword during her victory dance if she's going to impress me!


Hello Kitty Tina is disappointed at the lack of blood:  "Is this one of those awful 'family' games like Sparkle Unicorn Rainbow Dance?"  She likes Hello Kitty but not unicorns, or else her parents must work for Sanrio.  Diego from the previous book is "wounded", and two other characters are dead.  Real Tina is furious at us for being slow.  I point out that we tried to stick together, but neither Real Zim nor Real Tina paid attention.


Real Tina is still ignoring me.  "These people needed our help.  Total newbies.  Gretchen could twirl a sword for cosplay, but she'd never stabbed anything bigger than a marshmallow.  The ogre grabbed her. . .' and she sheds a single tear as if she were an Eragon elf.  Tina's worried that Gretchen and the Tina who was eaten by the slaughter slug might be dead for real.  She's not sure if they've returnede to Emerald Games.


Real Tina and Hello Kitty Tina vow to avenge Gretchen, but Hello Kitty Tina doesn't know what "avenge" means.  Dwarves come out of a door that blends in with the bricks.  They refer to Hello Kitty Tina as the Chosen One, but they were hoping for a "ferocious wild cat" instead of a "kitten" on her armor.  Hello Kitty Tina introduces herself as Olivia.  The dwarves warn us that the goblins have heard the battle and will attack.


"On behalf of the deputy queen of the Great Southern Stairs, we offer sanctuary and healing to you and your companions".  Is that position anything like the Minister of the Left in Japan?  Tina swears she won't forgive me if I botch CHOICE #8:  Climb the stairs or trust the dwarves?


I thought ignoring the dwarves would make for a quick Death.  Guess not.  My character dislikes the way the dwarves are "staring at Olivia".  Real Tina agrees.  "I was speaking to the Chosen One, not to you, half-elf" says one of the dwarves.  Hey, I choose the adventures around here!


One dwarf bows to Olivia and informs her that the Amethyst Sage "has ruled from somewhere above our Queendom's borders, perhaps even above ground".  None of the dwarves have been above ground.  And the author probably got the word "queendom" from playing NationStates.  The dwarves promise to tell Deputy Queen Nesperol of our bravery, and tell us about a floor trap and a dangerous dwarf tunnel.  They'd also like us to kill a dragon for them.


Real Tina puts Gretchen's bones in her "treasure bag" to prevent Norman from stealing them, and instructs everyone to go upstairs.  Blue Hair wonders why Real Tina is in charge, and Olivia knows "she and the half-elf have been here before".  Olivia loves to eavesdrop on her sisters!  (Is Real Tina one of them, or is she related to Gretchen?  It's not clear in the book.)


The dwarves' healing potions aren't good enough for Diego, and he can't ascend the stairs.  The narration comments that Real Zim could have healed Diego if he were with us.  Walking Throne Velzon gives Diego a ride.  We're just in time:  "hundreds of goblins are down there, squealing and squabbling over the ogre bones".


After around 100 steps, there's a seemingly empty room.  The next steps are "blocked by fallen rock".  The Dark Souls architect must have designed this Dungeon of Doom.  My Velzon still wonders about the Amethyst Sage and concludes that he might be the same person as the Emerald Sage because "Norman loved giving himself fancy titles".  Idi Amin could give him some lessons in that. . .


Olivia's sisters must have caught on to her spying, since she was told that jellybeans grow underground.  Maybe they're related to Calvin's Dad.  Diego is starting to remember the events of Back to Dungeon of Doom, which he had dismissed as a nightmare.  Green Hair saves Blue Hair from the pit trap the dwarves mentioned when I notice a "flagstone which suspiciously DOESN'T have a single boot print on it".  One Warrior Princess or Warrior Prince lost their shield, which falls into the water below.  Maybe the sea dragon could eat it.


CHOICE #9 is whether to take a chance with the unstable dwarf tunnel, or to dig out the rocks around the stairs.  Let's fall for the trap which can be avoided by paying attention!  As María José from Silvana Sin Lana might say, "Reading comprehension is not for me".


I'm trying to kill off these characters to make the post shorter and there's still another CHOICE?!  Even Real Tina is questioning my decision:  "If we didn't trust the dwarves when they offered us sanctuary, why do we trust their tunnel?"  Walking Throne Velzon doubts he will fit.  "He has to bow his head and waddle like a penguin to avoid the tunnel ceiling, but yes, the throne fits through".


Walking Throne Velzon announces the new tunnel is 10 feet long, with an older tunnel that's longer.  "Come on through, there's plenty of room for everyone, and no sign of dragons".  Olivia's the only one who doesn't have to duck to avoid hitting the ceiling.  Our scout Walking Throne Velzon says the left is brighter and goes up, possibly to the Amethyst Sage.  He also feels a "cold breeze" but doesn't know why.  One Velzon wonders if it's winter, and thinks a door is open because their dad always complains about them leaving doors open.


On the right, there's a tunnel that goes down to a breathing sound.  We wonder if it's a dragon, and Olivia wants to check it out.  But my character is jaded:  "Trust me, most of them are a big disappointment, especially the ones that fart fire".  Real Velzon remembers a Death from the original Dungeon of Doom.


Turning right gives us probably the worst ending in the book.


'We go right', you say.  'But carefully.  If a dragon's lurking down there, we need to know'.  All the Velzons nod, although you suspect they're just going along with whatever you say.  Real Tina sighs but doesn't say anything.  The scouts lead the way down the right-hand tunnel.  'Is this slope getting steeper?' asks a Velzon, half a minute later.  'I was thinking the same thing', you say.


Another Velzon slips, falls on her back and slides down the tunnel a few yards.  'Eww!' she says, wiping her hands.  'There's something slimy on the floor'.  'Stay there', you say.  'I'll throw you a rope'.  She catches the rope, but when you and Blue Hair try to pull her back, you both slip over too-the floor's covered in greasy slimy goo.  Walking Throne Velzon stretches out one of his throne's mechanical legs and you grab hold of it, but then your combined weight starts dragging him too, his throne's other legs unable to grip the smooth floor.


'It's a trap', you shout, far too late.  'Save yourselves!'  Easier said than done.  You're soon a tangle of struggling bodies and ropes, sliding helplessly down the slippery tunnel, faster and faster as the slope gets steeper and steeper.  At the bottom of the now vertical tunnel, an enormous mouth takes one more heavy breath and stretches wide to swallow you all.  The gigantic creature doesn't kill you, not straight away.  Instead, it paralyses then digests you over a week or so, which is even grosser than it sounds".


When we return to Emerald Games. "thousands of skeletons" are marching.  They shout "All hail the Amethyst Sage, glorious master of death!"


"The last thing you ever see is their eye sockets glowing purple and your flesh turning to dust".


If any other readers doubted there was a Death outside the video game, here's confirmation that it can happen.  Now I'm wondering if I should relabel the previous Deaths as Bad Non-Death Endings.


Results So Far


2 Good Endings

6 Deaths

0 Bad Non-Death Endings

1 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Revenge of Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings 9


When we go left in CHOICE #10, we learn the cold breeze is coming from a sleeping ice dragon.  It's in a circular room, and we can't tell whether there's a ceiling, or we're looking at the sky above.  About 12 dwarf skeletons are in the dragon's chamber.  Olivia wonders why the dragon is chained to the floor, and why it doesn't have a treasure hoard.  The narration remarks that "everyone knows" ice dragons like to sleep on diamonds.


Real Tina thinks Norman placed the ice dragon there to prevent dwarves from reaching him.  "That proves he doesn't want anyone bothering him, and that makes me want to bother him even more".  She asks Diego if he has "big fiery melty burny spells", but he'll have to check his spell book.  Green Hair and Blue Hair propose charging at the dragon, while Olivia wants to try a "ninja assassin" solo attack since her "fluffy slippers" will make her stealthy.  She's trained as a Fighter, not a Ninja, but that's the second CHOICE #11 option.


Let's die again, but only in the video game this time.


"We fight together', you say, with one hand firmly on Olivia's shoulder.  She scowls and mutters about stupid bossy half-elves.  Everyone creeps up the steps.  On your signal, the elves fire arrows at the ice dragon.  Diego launches all the fireballs he can (three and a half), and the warriors charge.  For the first few seconds, you think your plan might work.


But the fireballs fizzle and splutter in the frigid air.  The arrows tinkle harmlessly off the dragon's scales.  One warrior trips on his sword and falls flat on his face, and for some reason that makes Real Tina and the other warriors decide to yell battle-cries like they're in a superhero movie.  The ice dragon opens one eye, snorts in disgust, and blasts its icy breath at them.


'Told you so', are Olivia's final words.  She freezes solid and disintegrates into dust and bones, as do the other warriors.  The dragon breathes out again.  You try but fail to dodge the frigid blast, and suddenly you're cold, so very very cold, and then everything turns black".


After awakening in Emerald Games, we see the bone golem punching a building on the news.


How do you throw half a fireball, anyway?  Imagine the Fire Emblem GBA "no damage" sound when the arrows hit the ice dragon.



Results So Far


2 Good Endings

7 Deaths

0 Bad Non-Death Endings

1 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Revenge of Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings 10


Olivia says she'll be a ninja assassin in CHOICE #11, but her next action would make her a better vegan than Vegan Zim.  Olvia breaks both the chain and her sword, and sets the dragon free.  (This really is Fire Emblem GBA if there's both a "tink" sound for "no damage" and weapons that shatter easily!)


The ice dragon licks Olivia and flies into the sky.  She says "I just don't like animals being chained up", and my character is jealous that they didn't think of that plan.  The dwarves appear again and shouts that it proves Olivia is the Chosen One.  Another dwarf doesn't think it fulfills the prophecy.  A more pragmatic dwarf with cornrows says "close enough".  She is Deputy Queen Nesporol.


Olivia asks for a way up to the top, and Nesperol orders the dwarves to open "pull levers and turn wheels" to reveal the the Great Southern Stairs, which are really spiral escalators.  Green Hair questions why we were talking to a Deputy Queen:  "Is the actual queen, busy, or on holiday, or dead, or what?"  Guess Emerald Games is not located in America if they're talking about going on "holiday".  The closest these You Say Which Way books come to a location is "vague English speaking country".


We see the courtyard, Norman, and the bone golem at the top of the escalator.  Norman is sitting on a chair inside the golem.  He already has two skeletons from Earth, and only needs another in order to make the skull.  Olivia politely attempts to make an introduction:  "Excuse me, are you Norman Emerald Sage?"


"You've made it all the way here and haven't even worked that out?  I was the Emerald Sage for a century, until old age took my beloved Princess Valeria and threatened me too.  I am now the Amethyst Sage, master of death.  My bone golem will soon be complete, and I shall go forth and conquer your world, bringing death's blessing to all".


So that's what happened to Sleeping Beauty from the previous books!  She hadn't been mentioned anywhere in the Real Zim route.  Once more I wonder how aging in a video game combines with the immortality proposed in one of the Real Zim endings.  Perhaps Dungeon of Doom works like Might and Magic? 


Real Tina doesn't know what a golem is, and mistakes the word for Gollum from Lord of the Rings.  Walking Throne Velzon thinks of Golem from Pokemon.  Norman is puzzled:  "Pokey-what?"


"Real Tina and Walking Throne Velzon glance at something in the sky.  A small white shape, flapping its wings and heading this way.  The ice dragon?  Oh, everyone's trying to distract the Sage.


'A golem is an artificial creature magically brought to life', you say loudly.  'Usually they're made of clay, but the Amethyst Sage is such a master wizard that he's used bone instead'.  'Thanks ever so much for the explanation, Velzon', says Real Tina, who already knows about golems and is having trouble keeping her face straight.  'So, the Sage is going to ride around in his golem like it's a mecha giant robot and shoot death rays at everyone', Green Hair says.  'Cool ride, bro".


'So cool!' Blue Hair nods, clutching Green Hair's hand tightly.  'Nearly as cool as riding a walking throne', Walking Throne Velzon says.  The white shape's getting larger-yes, it's the ice dragon.  Does it remember that the Sage chained it up? 


'What's a robot?  Are you making things up?  And what are you all looking at?'  Norman moves bone levers next to his bone seat, and the golem turns its head.  'How did my ice dragon get free?  Never mind.  Did you fools think I fear a mere dragon?'  He turns back to you.  'I fear nothing.  Look what I can do with one finger'.  He points at Green Hair and Blue Hair.  They turn into dust and their skeletons fall to the ground, still holding hands.  He points at the ice dragon.  Nothing happens.  He points at it again, this time with his wand, then again while chanting.  Nothing happens again.  The dragon gets closer, much closer.


'Were you expecting your osseomantic spell to turn that dragon into a harmless skeleton?' asks Diego, his spell book open.  'That won't work, because ice dragons don't have skeletons-they're ice all the way through.  There's a very interesting chapter on osseomancy here in my book, and-'


'Shut up!'  Norman screams, and turns him into dust and bones.  As Norman swivels back to face the dragon, he's hit by its frigid breath and then hit by several tons of angry ice reptile.  The impact hits all like an avalanche.  When you push your way out, you're surrounded by thousands of broken bones, a hill of smashed ice, and a wrecked castle.  Everything's very quiet and cold.


Nearby, Olivia pops her head out from the ice and looks around.  'Did we win?  Is the Sage dead?'  'I think so.  I hope so.  Yes, look, the castle's fading'.  She bites her lower lip.  'Is that good?'  'Without his magic keeping us here, we'll return to the real world'.  'Okay', she says, and pats the broken ice.  'Poor ice dragon.  Thank you, dragon".



The postscript suggests this is a lesser Good Ending.  "But is Norman dead?  Permanently?  Wizards are annoyingly difficult to kill.  Perhaps he survived and will one day build another bone golem".  At least the Amethyst Sage is set back more than in the other ending where the bone golem is destroyed, but Norman lived.



Results So Far


3 Good Endings

7 Deaths

0 Bad Non-Death Endings

1 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Revenge of Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings 11


The last ending in the "don't trust dwarves" path has Diego try a Lithomancy spell to remove the rocks blocking the stairs in CHOICE #9 near the new dwarf tunnel.  It doesn't work because he's a comic relief character.


"He flexes his shoulders and fingers, as if preparing for a triple somersault for the Olympics, then chants strange words and points his wand dramatically at the stairs.  One small stone bounces down the stairs and onto the floor.  Real Tina and Blue Hair roll their eyes.  Diego checks his spell book.  'Oh, sorry, I said a couple of words in the wrong order.  I'll try again'.  He chants and points again.


Something's happening, you're not sure what.  Your teeth hurt, and the blocked stairs start to hum.  That's a good sign, right?  A lump of gravel falls, then another, followed by a small rock, then a couple of large rocks, one rolling past Diego and nearly hitting Walking Throne Velzon.  The archway over the stairs shudders, cracks, then shatters.  'Stop, you're making the whole dungeon collapse!' you yell, too late.  The last thing you see is the ceiling falling".


Everyone ends up at Emerald Games again, and one Tina is screaming about the slaughter slugs and a lawsuit to the manager.


Results So Far


3 Good Endings

8 Deaths

0 Bad Non-Death Endings

1 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Revenge of Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings 12


In the timeline where we trust the dwarves in CHOICE #8, we notice that one blond Zim with a mustache had died in the ogre battle.  Everyone passes through the "fake door" (shouldn't that be a "fake wall"?) and sees goblins through peepholes in the walls.  The goblins argue over the bones and take them away.  Deputy Queen Nesperol greets us again, still with the cornrow hairdo.  She's grateful for Olivia slaying the ogre, but wished she had come a month earlier.  Nesperol is missing a leg, and now has a "silver and brass replacement".


Nesperol recommends that Diego cast a healing spell on himself, but it's only been 30 minutes since they were teleported to the Dungeon of Doom and he has no experience with anything other than fireballs.  She thinks we're all from the "land of Cozplayaz" and now we have to meet Queen Valeria, who may be the same Sleeping Beauty from the previous books.


Real Tina must be suspicious of the dwarves at this point.  She's "raising her eyebrows and tapping her sword scabbard-that's your secret signal for launching a surprise attack".  CHOICE #12 is whether to agree with her and attack 100 dwarves, or visit Queen Valeria instead.  Real Tina's impulsive behavior results in a Total Party Kill.


"You nod to Real Tina and draw your long elven knife.  She draws her sword.  Together, you yell and push past the dwarves, fighting your way back toward the door you came in through.  At least, that's your plan.  You soon realize it's a terrible plan.  Firstly, only you and Real Tina and Real Zim know about your secret surprise attack signal-the other cosplayers stand there looking confused and getting in your way.


Secondly, Real Zim's not here, so you and Real Tina are even more outnumbered than usual.  And thirdly, the dwarves are prepared for trouble-they pull swords and axes from their belts and use chairs as shields.


Real Tina pushes forwards a few steps, but is hit on the head with a heavy pewter mug and falls to the floor.  You leap acrobatically over the dwarves' heads.  It's a great leap-it would definitely be in slow motion if this were a Hollywood action movie-but as you land, an axe slams into your face".


Once we're back in Emerald Games, Tina says her Back to Dungeon of Doom catchphrase "dung balls".  My character doesn't remember Real Zim's true name.  On the next day, Norman appears on Earth.  12 countries surrender in the first week after he transforms millions of people into skeleton slaves.  Magic in Dungeon of Doom must be similar to Dragons Realm-it's not NATIVE to Earth, but it does work there.


Results So Far


3 Good Endings

9 Deaths

0 Bad Non-Death Endings

1 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Revenge of Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings 13


Real Tina regrets my decision if we choose not to be conked on the head with pewter mugs and axes in CHOICE #12:  "Stupid ungrateful dwarves.  We should have fought them".  The next scene might be appropriate to Dark Souls:

"The corridor is dimly lit by candles with grey flames.  Everyone's skin, clothes, and hair look grey too, as if you're in a black-and-white movie.  The floor's thick with dust".


The dwarves did not enter the room with us.  Real Tina explains the plots of the previous Dungeon of Doom plot to Olivia and Diego.  Valeria appears as a "person-sized shape swathed in cobwebs" at a table with books on it.  She's alarmed at how many people have died, but not because she likes anyone from Cozplayaz.


"I don't care about YOUR stupid world.  I want my revenge on Norman.'  Hundreds more candles burst into grey flame, revealing she has no body, just eight spidery legs growing out of a floppy head.  Green Hair recoils.  Diego gasps and splutters.  Olivia hides behind Real Tina".  Roll for sanity loss!


Real Tina keeps her composure:  "Norman turned you into a giant spider?' Real Tina sounds more impressed than horrified".


Norman was lying when he said Valeria died of old age in a previous ending.  He actually stole her skeleton to test osseomancy, like the sea dragon.  Valeria adapted to her circumstances like a Bene Gesserit:  "I tricked those stupid dwarves with a fake prophecy about a Chosen One, and they made me their queen".  Valeria's struggling to come up with an expression, and Tina suggests "Pear-shaped?" because her dad says that.  More evidence that they aren't from the United States.


Valeria "wiggles four spidery legs and chants something in Ancient Sacred Beskish", which is NOT a reference to anything in the previous books.  I checked with a Kindle search.  We're teleported to the courtyard and noticed "several walls have collapsed" since Back to Dungeon of Doom.  This time, the bone golem's appearance is similar to a statue of Norman.


Valeria orders us to "try to make yourselves useful by distracting Norman" and hides.  CHOICE #13, possibly the last one in the series, is whether to hide or distract the Amethyst Sage.


"Valeria's nearly as horrible as Norman.  No way will you risk your life distracting him just because she said so.  You've got a world to save.  So you crouch behind a nearby stone block and wait to see what Valeria does.  Let her do the distracting.  The others take cover in the rubble too.  Except Olivia, who stays right where she is, staring up at the statue.


'Hide', you whisper, but she either doesn't hear or doesn't care.  'Are you Norman Sage?' she asks loudly.  You can't see him, but his voice is loud and clear.  'How did you get past my ice dragon, dwarf?'  'What ice dragon?  And I'm not a dwarf!  Only my stinky big sisters call me that'.


'Is that some silly dwarf trick?  I can see your friends hiding.  You can't out-think me, I'm the Amethyst Sage, and by the way I did not give you permission to call me Norman'.  He chants something in an eerie sing-song voice.  Everyone, including Valeria, rises a few feet into the air as if you're helium balloons.


'Stupid cozplayaz, this is all your fault'.  Valeria turns and launches a laser-like beam of red light at Norman.  The beam knocks his rusty crown off but doesn't seem to hurt him at all.  He waves his wand and shoots purple lightning at her, and she sends a dozen fiery giant centipedes scuttling towards him.  It's a full-on magic battle.  'Kick his poopy butt!', Olivia yells.


Diego lobs a few fireballs, and you and Walking Throne Velzon fire arrows, but you're all still bobbing around in mid-air and so everything misses.  Norman fires a swirling dark rainbow at Valeria, but it bounces off her and onto his statue, which creaks and collapses on top of her, scattering pieces everywhere.  One lands near to you.  It looks like a huge leg bone.  Why would Norman build a statue out of bones?


Just as you think he's won the battle, the broken bones clatter and rattle and rearrange themselves into a giant hand which clutches him and squeezes.  'Think your Prismatic Infernal Shield Aura can protect you?' comes Valeria's voice from under there somewhere.  She's still fighting him with her magic!  In fact, she must be winning-his levitation spell splutters out, and everyone falls to the ground.


You fire another arrow, and this time hit him in the hand.  He howls and drops his wand.  Olivia raises her enormous sword and charges, followed by Real Tina, Blue Hair and Green Hair.  But before they can reach Norman, the giant hand squeezes tighter and he gives one last gasp and lies still.  Is he dead?"
 

In Emerald Games, we're informed that the cosplay contest is canceled and we don't even get a refund.  The postscript questions whether Norman is truly dead, and whether Valeria might become a worse villain in the future.  Still, it qualifies as a lesser Good Ending.


Results So Far


4 Good Endings

9 Deaths

0 Bad Non-Death Endings

1 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Revenge of Dungeon of Doom Finale


The final ending of the Dungeon of Doom series is based on a bad joke Olivia makes about everything turning to custard while talking to Queen Valeria.  It's the same conversation where Real Tina suggests "pear-shaped".  Valeria takes Olivia's suggestion literally if we agree with her in CHOICE #13.  Norman kills Green Hair and Blue Hair with his finger snap magic.


"Something on the bone golem's head flickers and shimmers.  Valeria?  The golem's left hand falls off, hitting the ground with a squelch.  Huh?  Bones don't squelch.  Norman looks as surprised as you are.  The rest of the left arm falls to the ground with a bigger squelch.  The whole golem seems to be melting, with gloopy bits dripping all over.


Norman glares at Diego.  'An apprentice wizard dares to tamper with my magic?'  'Who, me?  What?'  Diego doesn't know what's going on either.  Norman snaps his fingers and Diego disintegrates.  Olivia squeals and covers her eyes.  'Hello, Norman', Valeria says, peering over the golem's rusty crown.  'Still blaming everyone else for your mistakes, I see'.


He frowns.  'Do I know you?'  She shrieks in rage.  'Poltroon!  Nincompoop!  You've got custard for brains, so I've just cursed your magic with custard, so there!'  Um, what?  Norman looks confused too.  Confused, and angry, and scared too-a dangerous combination.  He snaps his fingers again, but this time nothing happens.  He yanks a wand from his robe and sends a bolt of purple lightning at her, but the lightning fades into a harmless mist with a custardy smell.


The entire golem collapses beneath Valeria, spraying custard all over Norman.  'You'll be sorry!'  He wipes his face.  'I'll get my magic back and then I'll. . .um. . .you'll be so sorry!'  She doesn't look at all worried.


Olivia's giant sword droops.  She sniffs then licks it.  'My sword's turning into custard too-cool!'  'So is my throne-not so cool', Walking Throne Velzon says, as the throne's legs bend beneath him.  'Now my arm's turning to custard too!'  Olivia squeals.  'Stop your whining, it was your idea', Valeria says from the golem-sized pile of custard.  It really wasn't.  You'd explain this to her if you could, but you're too busy melting into custard".


"Poltroon" is surprisingly advanced vocabulary for a You Say Which Way!  In Emerald Games, Olivia's mom offers her custard for dessert, and none of the characters want to see it again.  It's a lesser Good Ending for both CHOICE #13 routes, as opposed to a guaranteed Death as in some of R.A. Montgomery's books.


In retrospect, I think I'll change all but one of the Deaths to Bad Non-Death Endings, since there was one true Death on Earth.  Both the best and worst endings occur on Real Zim's route for some reason.


Dungeon of Doom isn't one of the better You Say Which Ways, but I still enjoyed writing about them.  Do you want to see another book in that series next, or one of the R.A. Montgomery books I have lying around (Journey Under the Sea or Mystery of the Maya)?  Can't find many Spanish CYOA candidates other than maybe Ada Y La Vela Verde, but that's by Javier Nodras, author of El Planeta Más Extraño Del Mundo, the subpar one with the convoluted chess based slavery scheme.


EDIT:  I may have just enough on my gift card for another Time Machine book if you want to see that instead.


Final Results


4 Good Endings

1 Deaths

8 Bad Non-Death Endings

1 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Revenge of Dungeon of Doom CHOICE Map


CHOICE #1

-Follow Tina:  Go to CHOICE #8 (CLEAR)
-Follow Zim:  Go to CHOICE #2 (CLEAR)
 

CHOICE #2

-Stick together:  Go to CHOICE #5 (CLEAR)
-Investigate purple glow:  Go to CHOICE #3 (CLEAR)
 

CHOICE #3

-Give all metal to sea dragon skeleton:  Go to CHOICE #4 (CLEAR)
-Swim for it:  BAD ENDING (CLEAR, sea dragon eats you, you warp back to Emerald Games and Norman wins in reality)
 

CHOICE #4

-Talk to Norman:  GOOD ENDING (CLEAR, tell Norman to accept his role as immortal game villain, win T-shirts and game copies)
-Surprise attack:  BAD ENDING (CLEAR, Norman casts a spell to make everyone float, then takes over Earth with bone golem and gets rid of electricity)
 

CHOICE #5

-Climb trees and check ceiling:  BAD ENDING (CLEAR, squeezed by evil tree, “nothing makes sense ever again” on Earth)
-Fight the goblins:  Go to CHOICE #6 (CLEAR)
 

CHOICE #6

-Abandon tree:  BAD ENDING (CLEAR, lizard statues breathe fire on you and Real Zim, Norman invades Earth)
-Talk to tree:  Go to CHOICE #7 (CLEAR)
 

CHOICE #7

-Trash tree for Vegan Zim:  BAD ENDING (CLEAR, human tree burns, Norman snaps fingers, bone golem throws a police car at a burning building on news)
-Bash bone golem for Real Zim:  NEUTRAL ENDING (golem destroyed, but Norman might build another one)
-Slay the Sage:  GOOD ENDING (CLEAR, combined attacks kill Norman, tree wants to conquer Earth but becomes just another human)
 

CHOICE #8

-Trust dwarves:  Go to CHOICE #12 (CLEAR)
-Climb stairs:  Go to CHOICE #9 (CLEAR)
 

CHOICE #9

-New dwarf tunnel:  Go to CHOICE #10 (CLEAR)
-Unblock stairs:  BAD ENDING (CLEAR, dungeon collapses, back to Emerald Games)
 

CHOICE #10

-Left and up:  Go to CHOICE #11 (CLEAR)
-Right and down:  DEATH (CLEAR, digested by a “gigantic creature” over a week in the game, then skeletons’ eyes glow in real world and you turn to dust)
 

CHOICE #11

-Charge at dragon:  BAD ENDING (CLEAR, ice dragon breathes on party, we see bone golem punching building on TV in real world)
-Olivia as Ninja Assassin:  GOOD ENDING (CLEAR, ice dragon freed, ice dragon destroys both itself and bone golem, and Norman is possibly killed.  Victory is temporary?)
 

CHOICE #12

-Meet Queen Valeria:  Go to CHOICE #13 (CLEAR)
-Fight the dwarves:  BAD ENDING (CLEAR, axe in your skull, Norman takes over 12 countries with necromancy in 1 week)
 

CHOICE #13

-Hide:  GOOD ENDING (CLEAR, Valeria crushes Norman with bone golem arm)
-Distract Norman:  GOOD ENDING (CLEAR, custard magic undoes Norman’s spells)

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

Choose Your Own Adventure Journey Under the Sea Part 1


Although I'm spending a lot of time reading better more conventional books, it's time to review Journey Under the Sea.  This is one of the oldest CYOAs, having been originally published in 1977.  It's by R.A. Montgomery, so expect each CHOICE to create parallel universes that shouldn't follow from my decisions. 


My character is a "deep sea explorer" looking for Atlantis aboard the submersible Seeker associated with the Maray.  After a few minutes, I see white fish that don't look like any life closer to the surface.  My diving suit has the "latest microprocessors" along with a "built-in waterproof smart tablet with laser communicator".  I bet the tablet was added in this revision.  I give a signal to the Maray:  "All systems GO.  It's awesome down here".  Probably not as awesome as Awesome Possum.  CHOICE #1 on Page 2 is to dive with the Seeker into a canyon on Page 4, or investigate a ledge where the Seeker currently is on Page 6.


A sunken city probably would be closer to the continental shelf, right?  But let's go to the canyon anyway to kill off this character in an entertaining way.  The illustration on Page 4 reminds me of the Seamoth from Subnautica.  The Maray gives me permission to dive, probably so they can rule the cause of death as an "accident".  Do they know of my "underwater detention" incident?  To the port side is a "perfectly round" grotto entrance that looks like it's been carved.  Bubbles from the canyon floor are at the starboard side.  (Both port and starboard are explained in the book, which is nice for readers who haven't gotten to Voyage of the Dawn Treader).  CHOICE #2 is port on Page 8 or starboard on Page 3 as you'd expect.


Anyone who says "It's awesome down here" in the American sense as an official message on the mission has to try the bubbles.  The Seeker is equipped with bubble-analyzing equipment and sonar.  The stupid decision in CHOICE #3 is obviously to study the bubbles on Page 9 rather than pay attention to depth on Page 14.  The player character is the sort of person who'd lose the Seamoth Seeker to pressure damage after multiple warnings.  Journey Under the Sea may actually take place on Subnautica's planet, Waterworld, or Hoenn after a Team Aqua victory:  "The ocean covers close to 90% of the earth and is mostly unknown".  That's what happens when you don't build a computer named Gaia to freeze the world!


My character exits the Seamoth and enters the PRAWN Suit.  If you think I'm kidding about that, it comes with a drill.  My "miniaturized wrist computer" says the bubbles have "a high percentage of oxygen and no poisonous gases", which prompts the narrator to suggest they're coming from Atlantis.  Unfortunately, I also damage the valve that supplies air to the Seeker.  CHOICE #4 is to drill on Page 21, hoping to go further down, or try to use the bubbles to refill the air supply on Page 25.  If you have more reading comprehension skills than María José from Silvana Sin Lana, you'll know what this persona will do.


After following the "drill, baby, drill" oil drilling policy, "the stream of bubbles is strong enough to ruffle the surface of the sea".  CHOICE #5 might as well have the narrator perform the chicken dance:  to surface and seemingly quit the quest, go to Page 33.  To explore further at "great risk", go to Page 38.


"Suddenly the Seeker is swept downward as if pulled by a giant magnet".  If this were a Spanish CYOA, I'd make some pun about an imam.  I faint like a 1790s Gothic novel heroine and regain consciousness in a "well-lighted and comfortable room".  Three people say I'm in the "visitor's reception room" of Atlantis, but warn me that if I continue with them, I may never return to the surface.  CHOICE #6 is whether to accept their offer to go back on Page 52, or enter Atlantis on Page 54.  How did I make it 6 suicidal CHOICEs into an R.A. Montgomery book without dying?  I fail at failure.


I enter a control room filled with computers and screens, just like in old science fiction.  A figure with a "very large head" and "totally blank eyes" tells me that their species landed on Earth 3,000 years ago, but felt the need to sink the lost continent with an "anti-matter device" in order to avoid humans.  Don't know why'd they'd fear Iron Age societies when they have interstellar travel, except for War of the Worlds diseases.  CHOICE #7 is an ultimatum:  be injected with a "special serum" to live a "pleasant and useful life with us" on Page 71, or refuse the serum and be imprisoned on Page 72.  Now my character regrets not having watched enough Ancient Aliens on the History Channel.  If generic pop culture is any indication, the serum will result in slave labor in a mine.


The injection is painless, so they're not sadistic aliens at least.  They even give me some tea to celebrate.  The aliens are curious about life on other worlds, but are prudent enough to "be very careful about taking new people to our planet".  Maybe that explains why they have a "visitor's reception room" when submersible travel is rare.  CHOICE #8 is whether to remain in Atlantis on Page 89 and work to record information on Earth life, or go "through space and time" to the aliens' planet on Page 90.


Besides having no sense of the ratio of land to water on Earth, my character has no sense of distances in space.  I feel like I've gone "hundreds of thousands of miles" when I stand under the "beam of intense light".  Planet Ager is in another galaxy, and the architecture is so different it seems the buildings are made of light rather than solid matter.  The alien says that their material forms are used only to communicate with species like humans, and that they spend most of their time as "energy".  (As if mass were not energy. . .).  CHOICE #9 is whether to remain a human on Page 100, or become an "energy shape" on Page 102.


"You are in the Atlantean world, why not become like an Atlantean?  Looking down at your hands, you see them gradually begin to glow with a warm, yellow light.  Little by little, the glow travels up your arms and legs until suddenly you have no body left.  You are a glowing energy form.  You feel a sense of freedom and happiness that you have never known before.  You can float, or fly, or zoom anywhere you want to.  No walls stop you, you melt through them.  You don't need food or rest, you can travel through time, and you can travel instantly back to earth in your energy form.  You feel this is the way you want to be.  THE END."
 

I do nothing but make reckless decisions for the sake of comedy, and I achieve the ULTIMATE ENDING in the book.  Go figure.  My character has ascended to Gwynfydd, according to Druid Revival practitioners.  At least in Choices That Matter:  And the Sun Went Out, I found the most catastrophic conclusion on the first try!


Results So Far


1 Good Endings

0 Deaths

0 Bad Non-Death Endings

0 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings


Expect to see Neutral Endings dominate the list given how many "ascend to the surface" decisions there are.


EDIT:  Forgot to mention the illustration, which shows two pale hands surrounded by a glowing aura.

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

Choose Your Own Adventure Journey Under the Sea Alternate Endings Part 1


Electing to remain as a human in CHOICE #100 has a similar result to the CANONICAL Good Ending, except the narration tries to present it as a horror story.  It all depends on perspective.


"You just can't give up your body.  It might be all right for the Atlanteans to move about as pure energy, but you have not reached a point where you are willing to risk what you are for what they are.  It is strange wandering about with bright glowing blobs of energy.  They ask you to give talks on life on earth as you know it, and you agree.  For two years you meet with the Atlanteans in their energy forms and talk about earth and how people live and what they do.  The Atlanteans are interested in all aspects of earth life:  the technology, politics, wars and religion.

You ask them why, but they never give you a direct answer.  Then one day you look down at yourself and you only see bright, glowing energy.  With horror you realize you have become one of them.  THE END".


The Atlanteans were particularly interested in the Emu War.  The aliens said that they could take on material form as necessary, so why wouldn't my character assume the same would happen for them?  Maybe you're only happy if you willingly accept the transformation?  Perhaps my character should have meditated on "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak".  It's strange how the same final result can be both a Good Ending and a Bad Non-Death Ending!


EDIT:  Forgot to mention the drawing that shows a human in a jumpsuit (?) that appears to be stretching their arms against an aura closing in on them.


Results So Far


1 Good Endings

0 Deaths

1 Bad Non-Death Endings

0 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings