Q:nterview with a Devout Priest
by Q:


Digging through the Diablo 1 Manual for no particular reason, or maybe I had one and just don't want to say what it was, either way I stumbled upon something rather interesting...

"While the Horadrim were the greatest mortal spell casters ever known, not all of the followers of the Light were as proficient in magic as they were. During the quest to bind Mephisto, common soldiers were hard pressed to combat the seemingly endless tides of the undead that guarded the First Brother. During this time, Cathan, a devout priest who was also a fierce warrior, found that by invoking the powers of the High Heavens and then infusing them with the essence of Fire, a bolt of great speed and intensity could be created and used by those otherwise untrained in the use of magic. This Holy Bolt harms only the undead, making it far safer to use while on a caotic battlefield." -D1 Manual, pg 45

Great giggling gerbils! Cathan was a priest and a fierce warrior?! AND he invented Holy Bolt? This seems very contrary to the D2 set of items known as "Cathan's Traps."

I could have gone into detail about how bizarre this is, but I decided that it'd be more entertaining for Q: to do it for me. So I tracked down Cathan, exumed his corpse, and resurrected him as best I could.
-Lemming


Q: Greetings, Father Cathan, how are you today?
Cathan: Avast, landlubber! I canna read!

Q: Uh... Are you a priate?
Cathan: Aye

Q: Where is your captain?
Cathan: Cap'n? Arr, I know not.

Q: What's his name?
Cathan: 'Is name is Crunch.

Q: ...?
Cathan: ...

An Old Healer: Cathan! Been have you where?
Q: Elderly person with bad sentence structure, where'd you come from?
Cathan: Arr, Geezer, 'ave ye seen tha cap'n?

Q: I ASK THE QUESTIONS!!!, alright?
An Old Healer: Eh? Captain? Pirate, Cathan you are a not.
Cathan: Sure I be!

An Old Healer: *Shillelagh with a over Cathan THWACKS the head*
Cathan: Arr!!... OW!! That hurts!

Q: Father Cathan, are you better now?
An Old Healer: Fine be now should he. Bye-bye. :)
Cathan: Yes, I should be in a rational state of mind now. I respond poorly to resurrection, you see. Either that or somebody severely botched the job.

Q: Of course... Well, you're a priest, are you not?
Cathan: Yes, I am.

Q: And a fierce warrior?
Cathan: I've been known to be, yes.

Q: You created the spell Holy Bolt, did you not?
Cathan: Ah, yes. Holy Bolt... I remember that spell. It came in so very useful during the battle with the First Brother.

Q: Would you classify yourself more as a Paladin or a Sorcerer?
Cathan: I'd have to say I'm more like a Paladin.

Q: And not at all a Sorceress?
Cathan: Ha! You must be joking!

Q: Well, somebody was. Have you heard of the set of items known as "Cathan's Traps"?
Cathan: Hmm, no. Did somebody make them and name them after me? That's so thoughtful.

Q: Father Cathan, this set of items is not what you might think it would be. It's a set items, and the weapon is a staff! What are your immediate thoughts?
Cathan: A... a... STAFF!? What do I look like, a mage? I'm a fighter! You can't fight with a walking stick!

Q: But it gets worse! Did you know the staff provides a bonus to Fire Skills?
Cathan: WHAT?! I created a flame that didn't harm mortals; the idea of an object of mine providing the power of actual fire is beyond stupid!

Q: Might I add that no item in the set exceeds 24 strength requirement?
Cathan: AHH!! I'm a fighter! A FIGHTER! I'm not meant to be toddling around with gear so light weight that a Fallen could use it!

Q: So, this set is a complete forgery?
Cathan: It is at that! Somebody was trying to make money off of MY good name!

Q: Speaking of which, it's sad that nobody remembers you anymore. If they did, they might've resurrected you before now, you know?
Cathan: I... I... must be forgiving... must be forgiving... must not take it personally... I... MUST KILL WHOEVER MADE THAT STUPID SET!!

Q: This wouldn't be the best time to mention that the headgear included in your set was an ugly mask, would it?
Cathan: Oh, so now they're saying I'm ugly?!? I'm UGLY?! Do I look ugly to you?! DO I?! DO I?!?!

Q: I ASK THE QUESTIONS!!! And you're supposed to be a priest. So settle down, ok?
Cathan: They didn't call me a fierce warrior for nothing! I will tear the forger of my fake gear limb from limb!!

Q: Heh... I hear that Lemming made it. :) Gonna go kill him?
Cathan: You're lying to me! I can tell! I won't be lied to! I will not be manipulated! I'm really old! I've decayed for years and nobody cared!! Now they do, and I'm back, dammit!

Q: Ah... You're rather unstable. Just let me call in-
Cathan: GGRRAAHH!! *TEARS Q: APART*


Eww, that ended in a bloody mess. I hope Cathan's good with a mop.

Cathan: MOP?!? MOP!?!

*stunlocks the undead Cathan with Holy Bolt*

Cathan: *dies*

An Old Healer: Happened him to what?

Eh, he said something about a mop.
-Lemming


Re: The Frequency of the Dropping of "Cathan's Visage"

Hawkmoon: "Why does Cathan have so many faces?"

Lemming: "She must shave it off all the time."

Occhidiangela: "Cathan has beauty secrets that I want no part of."

This conversation pre-dates my learning of Cathan's gender, thus my reference to him as "she."


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