Cain the Geezer... err... Elder agreed to a Q:nterview but on one condition: You have to stay awake... err... awhile and listen.
-Lemming
Q: Hello, Cain. How are you?
Cain: Greetings, my friend, stay awhile and listen.
Q: I've always wanted to ask, do I have to?
Cain: Why, of course you do, young consonant. If you didn't we'd have nobody to read who what we were talking about together between you and I and today nobody would know the goings-on of the town before it was all over and they knew and nobody would ever know.
Q: Uh... What?
Cain: You listen, Q:, because back in my day - you know, the times when people were people not random letters and punctuation and rodents and twinks and cheaters and walkin' only half a mile to the old abandoned cathedral every day to pay out respects to the old Horadrim before everyone forgot about it and it went downhill to the demons and the king went mad because his son was stolen from the demons in the cathedral that everybody stopped going to and let demons take over - we respected everyone and everyone respected the old folks when they talked because they respected everyone when they talked and everyone even respected everyone when they talked and the old respected the old when they talked, too.
Q: *snore*
Cain: Oh, you young folks are always so tired these days because you don't know what work is like we did back when we remembered a good honest day's toil trying to keep captured evils captured and keep them from being discovered by folks who didn't have no business making them uncaptured, but beyond that you need to realize the need for a good day's work and you're slackin' off on the job there, Q:, and we can't have that if you know what you should know what is good for you to know about knowing, you know.
Q: *zzzzz*
Cain: WAKE UP! *THWACK!*
Q: EEK! OWWW! Hey! Do you want me to do that to you?!
Cain: Now you listen to me right here because you won't hear it over elsewhere you gotta hear it here so you listen to what I'm telling you right now and here so hear it...
Q: *zzzzz*
Cain: Can I go now? I need to get back to my place at the fountain so the pigeons have somewhere to perch.
Q: *startled out of sleep* Wha-? I ASK THE QUESTIONS!!!, got that?
Cain: Well you weren't asking any questions at all I tell ya you sleepy-head! Why, you remind me of Maurice the sleeping boy who was just as much a little scoundrel as Wirt except he had narcholepsy as his ailment instead of a peg leg and he used to fall asleep on everyone while they were talkin to him tryin' to make him listen and do somethin' other than fall asleep all the time.
Q: All that aside... There've been talks about you and something called "Pixips." What are Pixips?
Cain: *glances around stealthily* There's no such thing as Pixips. Don't talk about them.
Q: What harm is there in talking about something that doesn't exist?
Cain: Same harm there is in talking about your imaginary friend behind his back.
Q: You have an imaginary friend?
Cain: No, my friend is real.
Q: May we be introduced?
Cain: No.
Q: Why not?
Cain: Because he's busy.
Q: Is he getting you Pixips?
Cain: NO!
Itzai Bitzai (the Bushido Hamster): *scampers into the interview room* Q:, I have that soundbite of Cain explaining to me what Pixips are.
Q: Good, good. Cain, are you ready to admit defeat to my omnipotent interviewing skills?
Cain: HIM! The wretch! He made my Pixip supply go away! He killed my friend!
Itzai Bitzai: *plays the soundbite*
Medieval Recording Device: ...
Cain: "So, you have interest in my munchies, do you?"
Itzai: "Um, I wouldn't quite call it interest..."
Cain: "Shh! Not so loud! Do you want THEM to hear?"
Itzai: "Since you brought it up, what exactly ARE those things in your beard?..."
Cain: "*chuckle* My munchies are what I gather from items that I identify. I live on them. They're much better than Ogden's rat dishes. No one's ever noticed them before. Don't tell a soul about them!"
Itzai: "Oh. But, what ARE those 'munchies'?"
Cain: "My munchies are magical pixie droppings."
Itzai: "D-droppings?"
Cain: "Yes."
Itzai: "W-why do they move and wiggle?"
Cain: "Because they are alive. Pixie droppings are not dead matter, my Hamsterly friend."
Itzai: "That's quite gross."
Cain: "So be it. They're awfully tasty though."
Q: Thank you, hamster. Droppings, Cain?
Cain: *drags a claw-like hand through his beard and stuffs a wiggling mass into his mouth*
Q: Eww... Cain, is your "friend" the infamous Lord of Terror? Is that who was killed? Once dead, adventurers no longer needed items identified and your endless well of Pixips dried up. Was Diablo your supplier?
Cain: He has returned! Muhahahahaha!! He will destroy that wretched little beast!
Q: Cain, you didn't tell the heroes of Tristram about the soulstone. You let them decide without counsel what to do with that highly powerful artifact. Why?
Cain: PIXIPS! PIXIPS! PIXIPS! Ehehehehe!!!
Q: Were you working WITH the Lord of Terror? Did he build that gibbet for you to keep his minions from destroying you?
Cain: *hiss*
Q: Cain, will you please refrain from feral sounds?
Cain: BOOGA! BOOGA! BOOGA!
Booga: *poofs into existance* Cain! Do you want me for your imaginary friend again?
Q: Um, hello. Who are you?
Booga: I am Cain's old imaginary friend Booga.
Cain: Booga Ooga-bay! *foams at the mouth*
Q: Erm...
Booga: CAIN! You're doing Pixips again! Come on, it's time for more rehab. *drags Cain away*
Cain: Ehab-ray! Ree-hab! Hab-ree!
Q: I'm speechless. Think he'll be back?
I think Q: summed that up quite well.
-Lemming