"Q:, You May Already Be Pre-Approved For A Credit Card!"I read the e-mail title again, and couldn't believe what I was seeing. The e-mail was addressed to Q:, and it seems he's eligible for a credit card. While I deleted the spam and blocked the sender reflexively I couldn't help but wonder what Q: would have said to this e-mail solicitor. But, to take it a step further, what would he say if it was a telemarketer instead of some e-mail spam?
-Lemming
Q: *phone rings* Hello?
Telemarketer: HELLO! Is this Mr. Q: I'm speaking to?
Q: I ASK THE QUESTIONS!!!!, don't you know that?! Who the hell are you?
Telemarketer: Sir, I really need to speak to Mr. Q:.
Q: Pretend he's me. What do you want?
Telemarketer: Want? Little old me? Ohh... shucks, nothing at all. I just wanted to tell you that you're pre-approved for a Mystical Extra-Shiny Chrome-Plated Golden Platinum Mister Card WITH SCRATCH AND SNIFF HOLOGRAMS!
Q: Did you escape from a place with nice padded rooms?
Telemarketer: Hey, buddy, I think I know you from somewhere. So sign up with us. If you become a debtor to the Mister Card we'll even give you discounts on aluminum siding for your house - I'll put in a good word, as any old friend should!
Q: Who are you again? What's your company name?
Telemarketer: Pssh, you don't need to know that, do you?
Q: I ASK THE QUESTIONS!!!!, get it right, got it!? You're one of those damned telemarketers. Take my name off your calling list, alright?
Telemarketer: List? What list? There is no list.
Q: Yes, there is a list! It's how you get the numbers to call people, and you'd better-
Telemarketer: Would you like a trip to Aruba?! You can charge it on your NEW MISTER CARD! But act now, savings are only as close as you are to subscribing!
Q: Stop your sleazy double talk! Never call back here again! Wait - I want to stop all you creeps from calling me. How did you get this number?
Telemarketer: We employ psychics to give us numbers to call. You cannot stop us.
Q: I bet you just pick numbers out of the phone book and pay irritating companies to provide you with more names and numbers. How would you like it if I made a point to make worthless phone calls to your place of residence during meals?
Telemarketer: I wouldn't mind if it got me a Mister Card! *says "Wink"*
Q: *shudders* Your slimy fake charisma is disgusting and you haven't give me a straight answer during this entire conversation. And you know what?
Telemarketer: Wha-
Q: *click*
Telemarketer: Hello? Q:? Where'd you go? HOW DARE YOU HANG UP ON ME! *phone rings ... answers it* Eh?
Q: I ASK THE QUESTIONS!!!, how do YOU like worthless phone calls!? *click!*
Telemarketer: Grr! That's IT! This is WAR! *looks down at computer console and searches for The Big Red Button ... presses it*
Q: *RING!* What?
Telemarketer: Would you like a VISE credit card?
Telemarketer: How about a Pelican Express, sir?
Telemarketer: NEW Aluminum siding alloy: 50% cheaper!
Telemarketer: Did you know interest rates are favorable for you to refinance your house?
Telemarketer: It's ME, Miss Cleo! Believe in the power of the Tarot!
Telemarketer: Buy twelve CDs for a penny each! Don't worry about the contract!
Telemarketer: Punch the monkey!
Telemarketer: XXX super hot alphanumeric p0rn just for you! Does Mr. Q: need a naughtly little Miss A: ?
Q: WHY WON'T ALL OF YOU JUST F-!?
Lemming: Q:! What the hell are you doing? Quit hogging the phone lines!
Q: Help! Telemarketers! They've formed an organized militia of psychological torture! Do you have any idea how horrible they are!?
Lemming: TELEMARKETERS?! Those bastards! *leaves*
Q: Wait! Lemming! Where are you going?! Don't leave me!!!... ? *sobs under the onslaught of earsplitting rings*
Telemarketer: ...and if you act now...
Trainer User: hay u u gunna dy u !@#$ $%^% #@!@
Q: Oh, wonderful. A trainer brat, too?
Telemarketer: Shoo! I'm busy here, kid.
Trainer User: im no kid u @$%@#@ im 19 (but my prophil sez 8 iz lieing) im heer to boonty hont u
Q: He wouldn't have... Would he?
Telemarketer: Go away, buddy, I'll call your house next. Besides, I can't understand what language you're speaking.
Trainer User: ur probem iz i spek sleng an u no spek my langege
Q: *runs for cover*
Telemarketer: Whatever. So, Mr Q:, how bout some nice aluminum siding for your car? Mr. Q:?
Trainer User: now u dy!! *AUTOKILL*
Q: *shouts from his safe hiding place* Damn you, Telemarketer! I ASK THE QUESTIONS!!!, and any moron would know that by now, wouldn't they!?
Telemarketer: *SPLAT!*
Telemarketer: *SPLAT!*
Telemarketer: *SPLAT!*
Telemarketer: *SPLAT!*
Telemarketer: *SPLAT!*
Telemarketer: *SPLAT!*
Telemarketer: *SPLAT!*
Telemarketer: *SPLAT!*
Trainer User: dood dat wuz kool and now i krash u out of bnet 4 along tiem. 10... 4... 7... 3.... 9... 6... 8... 2... uh, wut com affer 2?
Q: CTRL+ALT+DEL
Trainer User: ok tanx
Trainer User has left the game.
Q: Well, it seems that pairing two equally detestable and loathsome individuals against each other has resulted in the elimination of both, at least for the time being. See you next time folks, ok?
Telephone: *RIIIIIIIIIIIING!*