Somehow Q:'s done it again: He found an informant and managed to get some answers out of him. Like the company insider he interviewed, this guy's probably just a nutcase posing as someone with special information, but you be the judge.
-Lemming
Q: So, which company do you work for?
Informant I work for the company, and I sense a soul in search of answers.
Q: What kind of answers can you give me?
Informant The answer kind.
Q: ...Ok, I'll just ask, and you tell me if you can. First off, will there be a Diablo 3?
Informant "Will there be a Diablo 3?" You bet! It'll be a First Person Real Time Roleplaying Strategy Board Game playable - for free! - over at your friend's house.
Q: It's a FPRTRSBG?
Informant And the first of its kind. *wink*
Q: Why the departure from computer to board games?
Informant People were always saying how much Battle.net "sucked" when we "restricted" Diablo 1 players to public channels in order to "improve their gaming experience." So we decided, why spend more money? They can play it for FREE over at the house of friends! It's just like being online, only in person! You can even leave a phone off the hook to simulate real internet connection! And part of the game - this is really cool - is making dialing noises and rolling dice to see whether or not you get connected to your ISP. And for those with cable modems, you'll get a message saying "Cable is no longer available in your area." Isn't that wild?!
Q: ...So, what's the plot of the game?
Informant Well, the story goes that after the Worldstone is destroyed by Tyrael, a gigantic crackmonkey descends upon the land and calls itself... Diablo 3!
Q: The head boss in the game is named "Diablo 3?"
Informant Of course! We completely forgot to add the 2 in the name of Diablo in "Diablo 2."
Q: Ok, I don't need to know any more about that. Are you guys done with Diablo 2?
Informant We are probably done with it. We released it, patched it, go ahead and play it.
Q: But we have been playing it, and...
Informant Good. That's all we ask.
Q: Look, parts of it are still broken. It's pathetic that it's taken so long to fix. So, for one, why aren't you releasing any more rune words? You advertize runes, provide space for at least one hundred words, yet you provide only 24 of them?!
Informant There isn't anything wrong with the current rune words, is there?
Q: One: I ASK THE QUESTIONS!!! Two: No, but...
Informant Then we're done.
Q: No, you're not! You advertized runes, and I demand runes! Who's with me?!
Informant *imitates a cricket chirping*
Q: Pul, Um, Ohm, Lo, Sur, Ber, Cham, and Zod runes aren't even used in ANY of the words! WHY!?
Informant Because you can't fit PulUmOhmLoSurBerChamZod into one item. That's too many runes!
Q: GGAAHH!! Logic... inane... eroding... mind... help... ?
Informant ZodChamBerSurLoOhmUmPul.
Diabbo There you are!
Q: *looks up* The hell...?
Informant Eek! You're not supposed to be here yet! Our deal isn't over!
Diabbo No deal! You spelled my name wrong in TWO games! I'm collecting my due TODAY!
Q: *watches*
Informant No!! Not now! We haven't released the third game yet!
Diabbo You will pay, NOW! *magical gesture* Now you will be forced to tell the truth whenever you are asked! Bwhahahaha!
Q: Well, isn't this interesting?
Informant NOOO!!
Q: So, time to get some real answers, eh? Now then, about Pul, Um, Ohm, Lo, Sur, Ber, Cham, and Zod: why aren't they used in any of the rune words?
Informant Because you can't fit them all into one item.
Q: You said that last time! Diabbo, your curse didn't work! Come back, eh?
Informant His curse didn't work because I *was* telling the truth. Just think of the implications of that.
Q: Egh... You're... truly too stupid to understand the questions?
Informant Indeed!
Q: Grah!! I demand to speak to a more intelligent being! Fetch one, now! Well!?
Informant I am one of the more intelligent beings. Our programmers are acutally chimps randomly hitting keys. They say that given time, a bunch of chimps on typewriters could produce Shakespeare. But in our experiment, we proved that a bunch of chimps at keyboards can produce a top-selling game!
Q: You are evil. But how could one so clueless plan this!?
Informant Yes.
Q: That wasn't a "Yes" or "No" question, you do realize that?
Informant Or.
Q: *groan* I have a few more questions. Ready?
Informant Shoot.
Q: Why does Holy Fire suck so much?
Informant Because you're not supposed to use it.
Q: ARGH! Don't say that! You add the skill, you'd best have a use for it in mind! Otherwise, what the hell is the point?!
Informant Holy Fire's purpose is to kill Fallens in Act 1 Normal Difficulty. That's it. Holy Bolt harms only undead, and Holy Fire harms only Normal Difficulty Act 1 Fallens.
Q: THAT'S SO STUPID I CAN'T EVEN STAND IT!!! And what the hell is with Poison Explosion?
Informant It's meant to be as appealing as a cloud of methane.
Q: I assure you, it is. And like methane, now you'll answer all my questions as to why you made certain features so damn annoying!! Next up: Why is Valkyrie so stupid?
Informant She was programmed on a dare to see how slow and stupid you could make a minion without it being considered summonable dungeon furniture.
Q: Yeah, she's just about as intelligent as your average Bone Wall... What's the deal with Molten Boulder? Don't you know that the flames do most of the damage, but when it explodes the target is pushed OUT of the flames?
Insider Well if it didn't push the monster out of the flames you wouldn't be able to see the neat flame pattern we made.
Q: But it's the same pattern made by Meteor! You can see the patten clearly there, don't you realize that?
Informant We wanted Druid players able to see it, too.
Q: *eyes narrow for a moment* Why do minions attack Bone Walls?
Informant Minions are actually evil and they're trying to free the poor, entrapped monsters.
Q: Evil? How!?
Informant Well, when you do PvP they will attack you, so they're evil.
Q: But friendly minions will attack friendly bone walls! Why aren't you addressing that issue?
Informant Put an address on an issue? I don't work in the subscription department of a magazine. Remember, I work at the company?
Q: I ASK THE QUESTIONS, YOU IGNORAMUS! Fine, you obviously can't understand the Bone Wall concept. Why is Oak Sage so stupid?
Informant So he floats correctly. A brain would weigh him down.
Q: ... If you give Enchant to a Sorceress as if to imply that she has a bright future in melee combat, why don't you give her any +Attack Rating skills so that she can actually be EFFECTIVE?
Informant Enchant is supposed to be used on her minions.
Q: But she didn't have minions when you first introduced it! Don't you remember?
Informant I wasn't working on this project back then, so I can't comment.
Q: Why did you add "Magic Find" enchantments instead of just making it easier to find sets and uniques?!
Informant Because it's funny to watch people not use the useful items they're trying to find in favor of using items to make it easier to find those items.
Q: Why are certain runes so rare even if the majority of the rarer ones aren't used in words?
Informant They're not. The ones you're capable of finding can be found, and the others are just fabrications.
Q: Why do you restrict access to the Secret Cow Level?
Informant Because if you keep fighting cows all the time, who's going to kill the demons? Certainly not the supposed heroes who are off killing evil bovines! Besides, it's funny when people go there, leave, and tell their friends about it. Then they try to go back, but they can't open the portal anymore and their friends think they're lying!
Q: And that's why all of public Bnet knows about it, eh?
Informant Or.
Q: Why do you rely on giving bosses a set of a few special abilities rather than varying the natural abilities of monsters so that each generic type represents a special threat?
Informant Giving the normal monsters special abilites would make bosses less threatning.
Q: FINAL QUESTION: Did you ever consider that you could have a successful sequel without redesigning the game from the ground up? That is to say, why didn't you keep with the D1 style?
Informant The cartoony style of D2 tested better with our preschool test audience. (They thought Diablo 1 was too scary.)
Q: The mysteries behind the accursed features of D2 have been unfolded, and now accursed Informant, I have one last thing to say to you. Do you wish to hear it?
Informant Hear "it"? I already heard you say "it."
Q: NI!
Informant AIEEE!! *melts into a puddle of goo*
Q: I finally... survived!?
Diabbo Pay up.
Q: Eh?
Diabbo Remember our deal: You survive the Q:nterview, I take what I want from you.
Q: Oh, sure, go ahead. Will it hurt?
Diabbo *CHOMP!* *swallows Q:* Only until you're digested.