Well, Q: has been reconstituted from the ashen state which he was reduced to in his last encounter with Lazarus. Time for another Q:nterview!
-Lemming
Q: Do you know how much I'd like to NOT do this?
Lazarus: Abandon your foolish quest; all that awaits you is the wrath of my master. You are too late to save the child, now you will join him: in Hell.
Q: You said that last time we met, do you realize that?
Lazarus: Begone! I do not have time to toy with the likes of you.
Q: You're burning in hell. You got some place better to be?
Lazarus: Hmm, I suppose washing Diablo's bunions can wait until later...
Q: *shudder* So how about that kid on the altar, who was that?
Lazarus: Wirt.
Q: Wirt!?
Lazarus: Of course. You didn't think that little fool in Tristram was a mortal, did you?
Q: ...?
Lazarus: It's all very simple, really. We grabbed that wretched child, Wirt, from town and killed him. When Griswold came looking for him, we dressed a Fallen in some human skin and chopped off his leg.
Q: Ah, so Pepin was never able to heal Wirt because he cannot heal demons?
Lazarus: Correct.
Q: And that's why Wirt never sells anything helpful?
Lazarus: We tell him to sell items "of the Ages" most of the time, but mix it up somewhat so the mortals don't get suspicious. Being a moronic Fallen, he cannot tell the difference between "good" and "bad" items, and sometimes sells good items on accident. But most of his wares are nightmares.
Q: Hmm, what's with the purple robe of yours?
Lazarus: It's authentic human skin. The purple color is from being eternally bruised.
Q: Ew, that's gruesome. So, what's the deal with you and the succubi?
Lazarus: They're evil clones of Smurfette.
Q: You dare invoke the name of evil 80's cartoon abominations!?
Lazarus: I had nothing to do with it. I wanted to clone Velma from "Scooby Doo," but D has a thing for midgets and the 80's.
Q: Hell must be a truly foul place, no?
Lazarus: Indeed.
Q: But, Laz, the question on everyone's lips is, why do you always drop utter crap after you're killed?
Lazarus: Diablo has a bit of a problem here, you see. On one hand, if he gives us good equipment we could be able to massacre any would-be heroes to come our way. However, if someone should happen to kill us, they'd loot our bodies and take the good gear with which they'd surely slaughter Lord Diablo.
Q: So you're given lousy equipment to do the job, you thus get killed, and Diablo is left do deal with ill-equipped adventurers rather than taking a chance and equipping his minions well?
Lazarus: Correct.
Q: But Diablo failed to notice one crucial flaw in his plan, didn't he?
Lazarus: Indeed. We weren't strong enough to begin with! Do you know I've had warriors show up at my door wearing nothing but cursed gear and subsequently bashing my head in?! It's true! So terribly true...
Q: Sounds like trouble. Say, you know you're probably the most-killed enemy in all of Tristram, right? How's that feel?
Lazarus: Having explained to you my weaknesses I feel no need to become upset at your veiled insults.
Q: *equips a bunch of cursed items*
Lazarus: Oh, not this again.
Q: AHH!!! *suddenly drops dead*
Lazarus: Hm? HAHA! Fool!
Q: *lies dead*
Lazarus: In your quest to annoy me, Q:, you failed to overlook your low hit points! Upon equipping -Life gear you instantly slew yourself!
Blackjade Laz, honey, we saw that Q:nterview today.
Red Vex & Bloodlust: Mm-hmm.
Lazarus: Oh? What did you think of it, sweeties?
Blackjade YOU CALLED US CLONES OF SMURFETTE!
Red Vex & Bloodlust: GRR!
Lazarus: Errr....
Blackjade Girls... get him!
Red Vex & Bloodlust: *wings flap*
Lazarus: *flees*
The Succubi spread their wings and launch themselves at Lazarus. Unable to defend himself, Laz succumbs to the attacks. Hours pass.
Blackjade Laz, I'll ask you again, how are you?
Red Vex & Bloodlust: *chuckle*
Lazarus: I'm...
Blackjade *whip snaps* Wrong!
Red Vex & Bloodlust: Hehe!
L4z4ru5: J1nk135! 1 4m f1n3 t0d4y, m4573rz.
L4z4ru5: (Jinkies! I am fine today, masters.)
*Stops watching the eerie spectacle and leaves to resurrect Q:.*
-Lemming