Have you ever thought about what a unique item would be called if it were a plain magical item? Well, I did and this is a list of what I think the items would be called if they were plain-old magical items. In some cases they are called by names that make them sound better (at least to me).
I list in parenthesis the reasoning in naming some of these. Prefixes/suffixes may be moved from their normal position to make for smoother reading. Also some enchantment names may be renamed to make for a more potent name.
Swords 1) Black Razor: Ruthless Dagger of Fragile Vitality
2) The Bonesaw: Foxy Frog's Sword of Mighty Dyslexic and Atrophic Gore
3) The Defender: Armored Brass Sword of Vitality
("Armored" used to represent armor class on a non-armor item.)
4) Doombringer: Doubly Savage Gold Sword of the Night Vulture Pit
(250% dmg. 125 = Perfect Savage. Savage 125x2 = 250%. In some cases I prefer to use perfect forms of enchantments rather than using two different enchantment names. Example: Ruthless and Vicious Gold Sword of the Night Vulture Pit.)
6) The Executioner's Blade: Jackal's Ruthless Dim Sword of Craftsmanship
(Since -10% light is not a normal enchantment, I call it "Dim.")
7) The Falcon's Talon: Weak Silver Sword of Skillful Haste
8) Gibbous Moon: Spider's Jagged Sword of the Dim Night Sky
(-30% lr = -20% Night + -10% Dim. Gibbous Moon is one of my favorite translations.)
9) The Grandfather: Jaguar's Vicious Lightweight Silver Sword of the Moon
10) The Grizzly: Ruthlessly Deadly Sturdy Sword of the Giant Diseased Bear
(Don't you like this one too?)
11) Gryphon's Claw: Massive Sword of Dyslexia and Atrophy
12) Ice Shank: Crimson Sword of Mighty/Strong Brittleness
(+Str ranges from 5 strength to 10 might so I included the slash.)
13) Inferno (aka the Torch): Raven's Flaming Sword of the Brightness of the Deep Red Ruby
(Ruby maxes out at 60%, Red is 16-20% res fire. Combining them to make "Red Ruby" was almost redundant (It also adds up to 76%) so I made it "Deep Red Ruby" to stress the maxed out fire resistance. Nothing grants +30% light so I just called it Brightness.)
14) Lightsaber (aka Flashlight Saber): Luminous Silver and Cobalt Sword of Lightning
(I'm using Luminous to replace "of Light" because it sounds better.)
15) Shadowhawk: Yellow Steel Sword of the Bloody Night
(Yellow = 5% resist all.)
16) Wizardspike: Topaz Serpent's Gold Dagger of Brilliance
15) Gonnagal's Dirk: Swift Crimson Dagger of Maiming and Atrophy
("Crimson Dagger of Maiming" has a nice ring to it. Sounds bloody.)
16) Griswold's Edge: Vulture's Gold Sword of Swift, Ravenous Bear Flaming
(Uhoh! A pyromaniac! Hehe. "Ravenous" used in place of "Raven" for +20 mana because 3 animal names was a bit much. Also note that "ravenous" contains "raven.")
17) Diamondedge: Cobalt and Mithril Armored Sword of Massive Brittleness
(If it were a diamond it'd have 50% resist *MAGIC*, so this could be more accurately named "Cobaltedge.")
18) Eater of Souls: Vampyric Tiger's Constricting Sword of Aged Blood
(Constricting used for "constantly lose life" effect.)19) Shirotachi: Lightweight Electric Sword of Hasty Puncturing
(Lightweight in this instance to name 1-handedness on a 2-handed item. (Shirotachi is a Great Sword.))
Staves 1) Gleamsong: Snake's Bount/Plentiful Staff of Weak, Diseased Phasing
(Hehe)
2) Immolator (aka Damnityourenotshadows): Spider's Flaming Red Staff of Disease
(ROFL! What about Spider's Inflamed Red Staff of Disease? LMAO! BNMs, your long reign of comedy with your Weak/Bent Staves of Disease is at an end! The more graphic SIRSoD wins!)
3) Mindcry: Angel's Plentiful Topaz Staff of Brilliant Guardians
4) Naj's Puzzler: Vulture's Plentiful Amber Staff of Skillful Sorceric Teleportation
5) The Protector: Osmaticaly Armored Plentiful Staff of Healing Thorny Vitals
(This name's kinda bouncy. Say it out loud, it's fun!)
6) Rod of Onan: Massively Plentiful Staff of Moon Golems
(Moon Golem's pretty cool, no?)
7) Staff of Shadows: Heavy Iron Staff of Foolish Nightly Readiness
(Hehe)
8) Storm Spire: Electric Cobalt Staff of the Mighty Fool
(Electric will replace "Lightning" prefix.)
9) Thundercall: Azure and Platinum Electric Staff of Luminious Lightning
Maces 1) Baranar's Star: Vicious Sturdy Steel Mace of Atrophic and Vital Readiness
2) The Celestial Star: Luminous, Lightweight, and Exposing Flail of Gore
(I call -AC "Exposing" since it exposes you to enemies.)
3) Civerb's Cudgel: Demonslaying Mace of Atrophy and Dyslexia
4) The Cranium Basher: Hyena Pack's Aged Yellow Maul of Powerful Slaughtering
(1 Hyena = -11 - -25 mana. A pack of hyenas = -150 mana! Can't remember what a pack of hyenas is called...)
5) Dreamflange: Drake-Angel's Luminous Crystal Mace of Wizardry
6) Gnarled Root: Doubly Ruthless Topaz & Silver Club of Skillful Magical Exposing
(Sounds like the club of a perverted mage...)
7) Hammer of Jholm: Warped and Aged Steel Maul of Strength
(4-10% damage has no name so I figured that a maul warped out of shape would deal more damage than a normal one and thus the prefix "Warped.")
9) Schaefer's Hammer: Tiger's Useless Thunderstorming Golden Hammer of the Shining Deep Blue Sapphire
(10% light has no name, thus Shining. A thunderstorm would do more damage than simply lightning, thus the name Thunderstorming.)
10) Crackrust: Fallen Angel's Deadly Aged Mace of the Topaz Sky
11) Lightforge: Blazing Ruthless Mace of the Gold Radiant Stars
(Remember, Dreamflange isn't the only mace people wear on their heads... Btw, because of its intense fire damage, I decided to call it "Blazing" instead of "Flaming.")
12) Thunderclap: Giant's Aged Azure Hammer of Luminous Electric Bolts
("Electric Bolts" = Charged Bolts.)
Armor 1) Demonspike Coat: Extra Armored and Aged Garnet Plate of Mighty Osmosis
2) The Gladiator's Bane: Protecting and Extra Armored Leather of the Pit of Craftsmanship
3) Leather of Aut: Extra Armored and Aged Leather of Dexterous Might and Dyslexia
4) Naj's Light Plate: Raven-Angel's Lightweight Amber Plate of the Mind
5) Nightscape: Extra Armored Amber Cape of Dexterity and Stable Darkness
6) The Rainbow Cloak: Extra Armored Sturdy Topaz Cloak of the Sky
7) Scavenger's Carapace: Exposing Lapis Plate of Dexterity and Tripled Osmosis
8) Torn Flesh of Souls: Godly Aged Rags of Healthy Zest
("Extra Armored" doesn't fit TFoS, thus "Godly.")
9) Wisdom's Wrap: Spider's Extra Armored Azure Robe of Magical Health
10) Arkaine's Valor: Extra Armored Mail of Zesty Harmonic Protection
11) Armor of Gloom: Godly Lightweight Night Plate of Negation
12) Bone Chain Armor: Awesome Extra Armored Mail of Undead Repelling
("Awesome... Undead Repelling" is 40 AC x 150% = 100 total ac vs Undead. And, of course, Extra Armored in reference to its 40 base ac, which is more than any normal Chain Mail has.)
13) Bovine Plate: Shining Aged Jade Cow Skin from the Land of Fools
or
Pack of Hyenas' Shining Jade Cow Skin of the Aged Fallen Arch-Angel
(Case 1: "Land of Fools" = -50 Mana and -2 Spell levels. 'Tis the reverse of a AA Wiz (+2/+25) to a mage.)
(Case 2: Bloodslayer's -1 slvl was "Fallen Angel" so -2 slvl would be "Fallen Arch-Angel. Pack of Hyenas = -50 mana. In both cases, Cow Skin is used for the Bovine Plate's base item since it sounds better.)
14) Demon Plate Armor: Grand Extra Armored Plate of Demon Repelling
(Grand and Demon Repelling go together as the Grandness is applied only to Demons.)
Axes 1) Aguinara's Hatchet: Angel's Pure White Diamond Axe of the Mind
2) Bloodslayer: Fallen Angel's Massive Demonslaying Axe of the Pit
(If Angel gives 1, Fallen Angel might take 1. Also, isn't "the Pit" another way of saying "Hell?" It fits! Hmm, funny that Bloodslayer can't even be found in Hell! However, Hell is mostly demons (save dogs) so maybe it's meant to SLAY in Hell but just not be found there. *is reading too much into this*)
3) The Celestial Axe: Lightweight Steel Axe of the Frail Fox's Weakness
(Fraility -10 + Weakness -5 = -15 str.)
4) Hellslayer: Vulture's Massive Axe of the Mighty Zesty Eagle
5) Messerschmidt's Reaver: Ruthlessly Deadly Flaming Axe of the Circling Vultures of the Moon
(1 Vulture = -25 hps. 2 Vultures = -50 hps. They circle, don't they? "...Circling Vultures of the Moon" that sounds pretty cool.)
6) Sharp Beak: Jaguar's Axe of the Foolish Frog
(Hehe)
7) Stonecleaver: Deadly Silver and Lapis Axe of the Eagle/Wolf
(Both Eagle and Wolf can have a +life value of 30.)
8) Wicked Axe: Golden Age Axe of Skilled Illness and Health/.../Osmosis
9) The Butcher's Cleaver: Brittle Cleaver of Might
(Cleaver = "Unusual Item Damage")
10) The Mangler: Frog's Doubly Massive Axe of Atrophy and Dyslexia
Shields 1) Blackoak Shield: Extra Armored Sturdy Shield of Ill Dimness and Skill
2) Dragon's Breach: Extra Armored and Aged Crimson Shield of Dyslexia
3) Holy Defender: Extra Armored Red Shield of Protective Blocking and Craftsmanship
4) Stormshield: Aged Blessed Shield of Mighty Painful Blocking
(20 x 100% = 40. Extra Armored doesn't fit when there's an exact % that will give the exact ac. Or rather, an exact % that I don't mind calculating. "Mighty Painful Blocking" Hehe.)
5) The Deflector: Extra Armored Topaz Buckler of Dulling
("Dulling" to replace "Dull," a weapon enchantment on a shield. Since the Defelector is not specifically a weapon itself (although it could be used as one :), any weapon (be it equippable, fist/foot, or the shield itself) used while the Defelector is equipped would do less damage, thus the shield has a dulling effect.)
Jewelry 1) The Bleeder: White Snake's Ring of the Jackal
2) Constricting Ring: Deep Green Emerald of Constricting
3) Ring of Engagement: Armored Thorny Ring of Healthly or Protective Puncturing
4) Ring of Regha: Luminous White Ring of the Mind's Atrophic Weakness
5) Bramble: Maimed Spider's Ring of the Pit
(I'm assuming the +3 Damage is "+3 Damage Done" and not "+3 Damage From Enemies.")
6) Empryean Band: Lightfooted Thief's Ring of Balance and the Sky
("Lightfooted" replaces "of Light" in this instance. Sounds interesting, doesn't it?)
7) Optic Amulet: Light Blue Amulet of Health Magic
(Luminous not used in this instance to replace "of Light" because it sounds somewhat better.)
8) Ring of Truth: Topaz Ring of the Healthy Fox
9) Amulet of Warding: Obsidian Amulet of Death
(What better to represent -100 life than Death?)
10) Acolyte's Amulet: Sweaty Amulet of Stamina
(Think in terms of exercise: The more you work out, the more you sweat. Eventually you'll have more stamina. In this instance, you work out by letting your mana get gobbled up.)
11) Auric Amulet: Miser's Amulet
12) Giant's Knuckle: Ring of the 4-Armed, Wheelchair-Bound Giant
(1 Giant's arm = 20 str. 3 Giant Arms = 60... Paralysis = -10 Dex. Paralysis of 3 limbs = -30 dex. Considering the fact that this Giant still has use of 3 of his arms (thus 60 str), we can deduce that his legs (2) and one arm must be paralyzed. Thus, 4-Armed (but he can only use 3) and Wheelchair-Bound.)
13) Gladiator's Ring: Mage's Ring
(Mages don't have many hps, and wearing this'll make almost anyone look like a mage. Say, that reminds me. One time I got my HF Monk's life to 0 by wearing two of these, a gothic plate of trouble, and a large shield of trouble.)
14) Karik's Ring: Prince(ss) of Fool's Ring of Immortality
(If the King of Fools = -20 Magic (thus stupidity... see Overlord's Helm), we can deduce that the only person stupider must be someone who learns everything he or she knows from this King. This person, logically, is probably either the Prince or Princess of Fools. Their stupidity provides bliss, and they are too stupid to know how to, when to, or that it is possible to die, thus Immortality.)
15) Mercurial Ring: Perfectionist's Ring of Muscular Dystrophy
(If perfection is achieved at +30 there is no need to go higher. Ah, but the perfectionist MUST strive to that goal! They are so focused on their goal that their muscles become frail and it eventually appears that they have muscular dystrophy. The naming may be inaccurate in that respect (as one must be born with muscular dystrophy, I think), but its point comes across nicely. :)
16) Ring of Magma: Ruby Ring of the Shattered Azure Pearl
("Shattered" to describe negative resistance modifiers.)
17) Ring of the Mystics: Diamond Ring of Shattered Crimson and Azure
18) Ring of Thunder: Sapphire Ring of the Shattered Crimson Pearl
19) Xorine's Ring: Vizjerei's Ring of Muscular Dystrophy
(Mages get so caught up in their studies sometimes...)
Helms 1) Fool's Crest: Thorny Helm of the Whale Pit of Tears/Pain
2) Gotterdamerung: Beyond Godly Defelecting Helm of the Dark Negating Zodiac
("Beyond Godly" sounds much better than "Extra Armored" and of all uniques, Gotterdamerung deserves the distinction of Beyond Godliness. Negating = All res 0.)
3) Helm of Sprits: Bloody Helm
(Why not "of Blood"? Because people who search for it say, "Where the heck IS that bloody helm?!" Hehe.)
4) Overlord's Helm: The King of Fool's Gigantic Brittle Helm of Vital Accuracy
(-10 is Fool, -20 would be fit for a King of Fools! This one's got a funny name, too. Gigantic Brittle Helm... hehe)
5) Royal Circlet: Serpent's Beyond Godly Crown of the Shining Stars
(The ever-elegant RC gets a fitting name.)
6) Thinking Cap: Snake-Angel's Amber Cap of Fragility
7) Harlequin Crest: Lemming's Exposing Cap of the Healthy Egg
(Egg = +<10 life. Lemming = +<10 mana. Silly, isn't it?)
8) The Undead Crown: Messy Crown of Blood
(Messy and Blood = 0-12.5% life steal. Because it's "messy" you can't expect it to steal life all the time, and it does have a chance to steal 0%.)
9) Veil of Steel: Frog and Hyena's Strong Emerald Helm of the Night's Powerful Vim
Bows 1) The Blackoak Bow: Deadly Dim Bow of Skill and Disease
(Is the user diseased or is the enemy? Poison bow! The D1 Amazons are on to something!... but the D2 Amazons don't have a poison arrow skill! They must've forgotten. No matter, D2 AMZ AMAs can simply use either Venom Ward, Snakecord, or a poison damage bow and voila: Blackoak!)
2) Bow of the Dead: Brittle Iron Bow of the Diseased Nightly Dexterity
3) Deadly Hunter: Silver Bow of Dyslexic Demonslaying
4) The Celestial Bow: Lightweight Armored Bow of Quality
5) Eaglehorn: Aged Mithril Bow of Massive Precision
6) Flamedart: Silver and Crimson Bow of Fire
7) Fleshstinger: Sturdy Platinum Bow of Vicious Accuracy
8) The Needler: Mithril Crossbow of Swiftness
(Since it looks like a crossbow, I'm going to include "unusual item damage" by simply calling it a crossbow.)
9) The Rift Bow (aka Drunk's Bow): Shaky Bow of Atrophic Quality
(Shaky = Random Speed)
10) Windforce: Kodiac's Doubly Massive Bow of Strength
(Kodiac sounds better than just "Bear.")
11) Blitzen: Lightning of the Ages
(It fires lightning instead of arrows, thus the base item "bow" (and its unusual item damage) is replaced by simply calling it "lightning.")
12) Flambeau: Fireball of the Ages
(See "Blitzen.")
13) Gnat Sting: Swarming Dart Bow of Readiness
("Dart bow" = Unusual item damage, low like blow darts. "Swarming" = multiple shots.)
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