Me be Barbarian Lord for much time, want be big King like Corwin, Cohen, and Sparta. But Animal have bad fight, lose good stuffs, end up with wussy plate and wussy helm. So me go down into crack behind Pepin place to kill big uglies and get real man plate. Me go down much stair, kill bunch of uglies, find silly juju man. Juju man call him Vidgyair, zap me with evil juju. But juju man weak, Animal knock him down easy with bow (me very skilt with bow). Silly juju man not have real man plate, just stoopid juju necklace. What Barbarian Lord do with wussy necklace?! Me take to Cain the Old Guy; he name it "Obsigan Zojak". Animal think Zojak some funny cheese or something. Cain tell Animal necklace have much juju. He say keep necklace, give to some lady friend. King Sparta say juju necklace is omen. Me decide it is time to kill ALL uglies.

Next day me go back to crack behind Pepin. Me leave behind all glittery and much juju trinkets. Me only take wussy plate, good new hat and sheeld, good sord, a few silly joolry for friends, and MUCH red pop. Animal like red pop: taste good after killing uglies. Me want see what uglies around first, then kill ALL! First part of hot place have blue uglies with bad breath and ugly witch with pink spit. Second part of hot place have more blue uglies and little yipping dogs. Third part of hot place have red uglies (Animal get nautious now from all bad breath) and real ugly witch with red wings. Me no this be tuff bunch of uglies, but Animal never scared. Me get sord ready and attack!

Red uglies very tough, make Animal want drink much red pop. Ugly witch ladies not like Animal, try run away and spit. No ugly witch spit on Barbarian Lord and get away with it! Me kill all! Me see evil temple place. Temple not smell good, Animal peek in door to see what up. Ugly witches attack Animal! Animal kill these witch like all rest. Now me find bow on floor and kill all juju men in temple (me very skilt with bow). Only silly ugly preacher guy left. Me smash him into wall of temple, kill with good sord.

Now me go back to other part of hot place, kill all uglies. These uglies much easy than red ones, but Animal already drink most of red pop. Me go into damp cave place, find more yipping dogs and ugly ladies! Animal wish he have more red pop, stay in hot place so long make thirsty. When all ladies and yipping dog dead me have just 3 red pop left! Now Animal ANGRY. Animal go on RAMPAGE, kill all monsters in damp cave and death place and juju church. Animal laugh at wimpy uglies in this places "HAR HAR!" Animal find much red pops and DEFILE evil juju shrines with yucky blue juice. Animal not drink yucky blue juice on mighty quest. Now me have lot of red pop, almost kill ALL. It time return to hot place to kill BIG uglies and juju men.

Animal see stair in hot place hiden in evil juju symbol, but me not scared. Barbarian Lord already no about this juju trick. Me go down to evil place. Now Animal knock down juju men AND BIG ugly all easy with bow (me very skilt with bow). Me drink much red juice, but kill BIG uglies like crazy man! Now all left is BIGGEST UGLY and his guards. Animal think Dark Lord is WUSS for needing guards. Real man not need guards. Me yell insults and get BIG uglies chase. Me kill them mostly with bow (me very skilt with bow). Now me try pick off juju guards from long range. Me kill bout half them, but now Dark Lord get MAD. He charge Animal, but me not kill him until ALL guard ded! Me put on sheeld, bash last 4 juju men against wall. BIGGEST UGLY play with fire, burn almost whole place down! Me drink lot red pop, stay cool. Now ALL is killed! Me brace against wall and smack Dark Lord with sheeld!
EVIL UGLY DIE LIKE THE WUSS HE IS! ANIMAL BE KING!
Me still have 4 red pop left to celebrate, go to Oggen's Bar, tell tale of great feet!

-Animal

(P.S. from Nystul: Yes I did post this at Oggie's...)