Gamebooks (Choose Your Own Adventure Style)

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Secret Project Alternate Endings Part 14
 
 
Talking to Kathy instead of Dr. McKenzie in CHOICE #15 causes a less dramatic but still Good Ending.  Kathy laments having to redo her homework because she lost her memories from yesterday.  When I tell her that she attempted to steal the teleporter, Kathy explains that she works for a secret organization (i.e. the Blacksmith, though that title is never mentioned here) and is planning to give the teleporter to the people.
 
 
Kathy puts the teleportation mat into her backpack and summons a podcar to take us to the closest "simulated food processing plant".  "It's bubble-shaped with four seats and screens showing maps and other stuff.  It's self-driving".  Kathy reveals that cloned meat is counted as "simulated food".  So it's not "real" unless it comes from an animal directly?  It's not a new concept either:  you can see it in H. Beam Piper novels as "carniculture".
 
 
Kathy proposes sending the simulated food to the poor, so they'll begin a revolution.
 
 
"You frown.  A revolution sounds like a lot of people might get hurt.  'I've got a better idea', you say.  Kathy stops and faces you.  'What's that?'  'We teleport the technology to them.  The machinery, the computers, the blueprints.  Everything we can find.  Then they can make their own food'.
 
 
Kathy claps you on the shoulder.  'Puzzler, you're right.  That's a genius idea.  How did you think of it?'  You grin.  'It's nothing more than that old parable:  give a person a fish and they're fed for a day, teach a person to fish and they can feed themselves for life'.
 
 
'What's a fish?'  You shrug.  'I don't know.  Some mythical food, I suppose.  Anyway, the meaning is the same.  If we teleport this technology to the poor, they can use it, duplicate it, and learn to feed themselves.  They won't be under the control of the Patron anymore'.  Kathy smiles.  'You're a hero, Puzzler, for working this out".
 
 
The world of Secret Project is implied to be much worse than what you see in the story, thanks to a throwaway joke.  If all fish have gone extinct long enough ago that the Puzzler doesn't know what they are, then the world's oceans, lakes, and rivers are lifeless.  Deadline Delivery and Heart of Ice's settings are starting to look good in comparison.
 
 
Poor people in Secret Project lack the infrastructure to build teleportation mats and simulated food, but according to the epilogue:  "Before long, the Patron's influence waned, and a different society emerged".  Note that it doesn't say "better", only "different".  What new dystopia has been created?  Kevin Berry won't say.
 
 
Results So Far
 
 
7 Good Endings
 
3 Deaths
 
4 Bad Non-Death Endings
 
1 Neutral Endings
 
0 Inconclusive Endings


EDIT:  Realms Beyond ate the formatting the 1st time I posted this and vomited it out.  Make sure to post in Calibri (Body) size 11!

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Secret Project Alternate Endings Part 15


Staying with Kathy in CHOICE #9 leads to new pages but no new endings.  My Puzzler skills amount to. . .shaking a vacuumbot until a necessary processor chip for the teleporter appears.  CHOICE #16 is between walking to the cafe or visiting the Patron. 


The cafe has "arty tables and chairs", whatever that means.  If Mary Elizabeth Braddon were writing this, she'd spare no detail about the architecture and decor.  Teena talks to the Puzzler and mentions that apprentices are the "guinea pigs" in Secret Projects.  She's not permanently invisible, since the serum lasts for "a few hours".  Then why does she talk about being invisible in school in other timelines?  Teena's appearance flickers into view long enough for the narration to say she has "curly black hair".  Teena wasn't the 1st invisibility apprentice:  the others "disappeared".  The Puzzler then has to pick between exploring the labs or beginning testing, which I'll treat as CHOICE #9/10.


Visiting the Patron gives us the detail that Wimbledon Common and Richmond Park still exist, but are the only parks left in London.  The office has "banks of screens" showing "live sports to business news to office surveillance".  A gym is next to a shooting range.  "Wotbots" are mentioned again, but I still have no idea what they are.


The Patron is the 40-year-old man this time.  According to Kathy, it was a woman last week.  The options here are to begin testing the teleporter, explore other labs, or walk to the cafe.  I'll treat this as CHOICE #9/10/16.


Only place left is the No Entry:  Danger room in CHOICE #10.  Remember Tin Man from CHOICE #15?  He's back, and we'll get to see what he's like before the Puzzler can reprogram him.  "Robots with a high AIQ (artificial intelligence quotient) who misbehave are sometimes locked up until their neural network brains can be retrained".


The Puzzler finds out why Tin Man's a prisoner in dramatic fashion:  "The human scourge must be eliminated!'  It raises a heavy arm and whacks the side of its head.  'No.  No.  I did not say that.  I do not want to take over the world.  I only want to help you".  CHOICE #17, the final decision of Secret Project, is whether to release Tin Man or stay in the No Entry:  Danger Room.  I'll show the 2nd option for now.


"You can't open the door.  Who knows what the robot might do if you let it out?  It doesn't understand its purpose.  That's probably why it was locked up in here, so its AI could be retrained to be helpful, not harmful.  And it's clearly not time to let it out yet.  Entering this room was a bad idea.  How can you leave without setting the robot free too?  It might run amok through the science facility cafe, causing untold damage and hurting people in its wayward mission to eliminate humankind.


'Let me out!' the robot demands.  It raises a heavy, bodybuilder arm above its head.  'No', you say, your voice trembling.  The robot looms over you.  'All right', it says, and pulls a box off a shelf on the wall by the door.  'Will you play backgammon with me?'  'Okay'.  Thankfully, the robot seems to be calming down.  You sit at the table, opposite the robot, and play game after game.  It's pretty good.


Eventually, you wonder if you ought to get back to the lab.  But how are you going to get out without releasing the robot too?  Maybe you could wait until someone else comes along.  'When was the last time someone visited you?' you ask.  The robot's tinny voice grinds out, 'the guard comes every five years.  She came last month, actually'.  Oh no. . ."


The Puzzler dies of thirst, but the epilogue text doesn't acknowledge this directly:  "Over time you got really good, though know one ever knew that.  But at least you didn't let the robot out".


Results So Far
 
 
7 Good Endings
 
4 Deaths
 
4 Bad Non-Death Endings
 
1 Neutral Endings
 
0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Secret Project Alternate Endings Part 16


Releasing Tin Man from the No Entry:  Danger room in CHOICE #17 is the worst ending of the book, and appropriate for a finale.


"You can't stay in here.  Who knows what the robot might do if you don't open the door?  Besides, you need to get back to Dr. McKenzie's lab.  The robot isn't your responsibility.  You turn slowly and punch in the access code for the door.  The robot's standing so close you would feel its breath on your neck, if it breathed.  Instead, there's a faint smell of oil.


The door swings open.  Before you can step through, the robot shoves you aside and hurries from the room.  You regain your balance, but it's too late--the robot has slammed the door behind itself.  You're locked in.  Never mind.  You can wait until the robot goes away and then simply re-enter the code to get out.  Five minutes pass.  You stab the passcode into the control panel.  It buzzes and flashes a red light.  The door doesn't open.


That's odd, but maybe you mistakenly typed the wrong code.  You enter it again, slower and more carefully this time.  Buzz.  Red light.  You try a third time, but it's no good.  The sneaky robot must have reprogrammed the passcode on the other side.  You're stuck in here".


Not only does the Puzzler die of thirst again, but now Tin Man is going to have a high body count before going down.  The epilogue text tries to make Tin Man's motivations ambiguous, but we're not fooled:  "Is it going to try to destroy humankind or will it help people?  You'll never know because no one ever comes to find you on this thread".


Final Results
 
 
7 Good Endings
 
5 Deaths
 
4 Bad Non-Death Endings
 
1 Neutral Endings
 
0 Inconclusive Endings



I don't think I've played a You Say Which Way where the failures outnumbered the Good Endings before.  Most seem fair, because the Puzzler is taking unnecessary risks.  Some of the worldbuilding is lazy, particularly regarding the Patrons.  Even if Kevin Berry is trying to write commentary on the systemic problems of capitalism going beyond the individual, business leaders do have different personalities and management styles.


Still, it was fun to write snark about Secret Project.  I don't think I can hate the weaker You Say Which Ways anywhere near as much as, say, 22 Minutos:  Tibicenas.  Hopefully my readers enjoy these posts.


Fairytale Factory must be trolling me.  Besides the Valley of Flying Dogs as a follow-up to Isle of Swimming Cats, there's now a sequel to Dungeon of Doom.  If you want to see me review them at great length, mention it in the comments.  Another option is the Spanish book "La Calavera que Guiña y Otras Historias" (The Winking Skull and Other Stories), a collection of 3 shorter horror CYOAs.

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Secret Project CHOICE Map


In case any readers are confused about the structure of this book, here's what I used to keep track of the plot in Microsoft Word.

   
 
CHOICE #1
-Work for Dr. Melanie McKenzie:  Go to CHOICE #8 (CLEAR)
-Work for the Blacksmith:  Go to CHOICE #2 (CLEAR)
 

CHOICE #2
-Patron Ascot:  Go to CHOICE #3 (CLEAR)
-Patron Tower:  Go to CHOICE #5 (CLEAR)
 

CHOICE #3
-Escape from the racetrack:  Go to CHOICE #4 (CLEAR)
-Explore fast forest:  GOOD ENDING (CLEAR, rescued from crud factory slavery by Teena)
 

CHOICE #4
-Get Kathy and Dr. to safety first:  BAD ENDING (CLEAR, caught by guardbots, enslaved in crud factory)
-“Get puzzling to find the solution in time”:  GOOD ENDING (CLEAR, everyone teleports out, food warped to the poor)
 

CHOICE #5
-Climb on outside of Patron Tower:  Go to CHOICE #6 (CLEAR)
-Sneak inside Patron Tower:  Go to CHOICE #7 (CLEAR)
 

CHOICE #6
-Jump off wall:  DEATH (CLEAR, no parachute)
-Keep climbing tower:  GOOD ENDING (CLEAR, QR Code attached to aircar, robots programmed to plant seeds)
 

CHOICE #7
-Stay in laundry hamper:  GOOD ENDING (CLEAR, meet intelligent laundrybot who shows QR Code to bossbot, planting trees becomes a trend)
-Exit the hamper:  GOOD ENDING (CLEAR, paraglide off tower to escape Patron, QR Code reprograms robots)
 

CHOICE #8
-2 particles:  BAD ENDING (CLEAR, transferred to crud factory)
-3 particles:  Go to CHOICE #9 (CLEAR)
-11, 17, or “some other number”:  NEUTRAL ENDING (CLEAR, main character becomes temporary janitor)
 

CHOICE #9
-Explore other labs:  Go to CHOICE #10 (CLEAR)
-Stay with Kathy:  Go to CHOICE #16 (CLEAR)
 

CHOICE #10
-Go to lab to begin testing:  Go to CHOICE #11 (CLEAR)
-Go into “No Entry:  Danger”:  Go to CHOICE #17 (CLEAR)
 

CHOICE #11
-Eat apple:  Go to CHOICE #12 (CLEAR)
-Don’t eat apple:  DEATH (CLEAR, sentenced to clean up polluted waterways for “last of your short life”)
 

CHOICE #12
-Teleport yourself:  Go to CHOICE #13 (CLEAR)
-Leave building to go home:  Go to CHOICE #14 (CLEAR)
 

CHOICE #13
-Warp to the café:  BAD ENDING (CLEAR, waxing philosophical, Dr. McKenzie teleports Puzzler to crud factory in epilogue)
-Warp to Rome:  DEATH (CLEAR, crash into Colosseum from above)
 

CHOICE #14
-Follow masked woman:  Go to CHOICE #15 (CLEAR)
-Go home:  BAD ENDING (CLEAR, teleporter stolen, Puzzler fired)
 

CHOICE #15
-Tell Dr. McKenzie:  GOOD ENDING (CLEAR, Tin Man and Teena join, Patron overthrown and imprisoned to play backgammon with Tin Man, democracy restored)
-Tell Kathy:  GOOD ENDING (CLEAR, teleport technology to the masses, “different society emerged”)
 

CHOICE #16
-Go to science facility café:  Go to CHOICE #9/10 (CLEAR, explore other labs or begin testing)
-See what Patron is doing:  Go to CHOICE #9/10/16 (CLEAR, explore other labs, begin testing, go to café)
 

CHOICE #17
-Let Tin Man out:  DEATH (CLEAR, trapped in room, Tin Man will try to destroy humanity)
-Don’t open door for Tin Man:  DEATH (CLEAR, trapped in room and forced to play backgammon, die of thirst)

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

Merry Christmas, Realms Beyond!  You'll get no present from me. . .unless snide commentary on a 2020 You Say Which Way book counts.  Due to "popular demand", Peter Friend has written a sequel to Dungeon of Doom instead of his better YSWW Deadline Delivery.


Here's a link to the original Dungeon of Doom playthrough if anyone needs a recap.


You Say Which Way:  Back to Dungeon of Doom Part 1


"Is Back to Dungeon of Doom the best title they could think of?' Jim asks.  'Not very original, is it?"  Peter Friend is trying to ward off my "You Say Which Way is running out of ideas" jokes, but that didn't save Isle of Swimming Cats, did it?  (Speaking of Isle of Swimming Cats), there's now a "sequel" of sorts named Valley of Flying Dogs.)


Unusually for a Choose Your Own Adventure, it's implied that multiple endings from the original Dungeon of Doom have occurred:  "And you died over and over again in dozens of horrible ways, even though that's impossible too.  You still have nightmares about it".


The Galactic Gaming News website has a picture of what seems to be Velzon the elf, Tina Warrior Princess, and Wizard Zim.  Tina thinks they've stolen her likeness for this promotion.  "That's totally illegal.  Data privacy and copyright infringement and. . .um. . .all that.  We should sue them for a million dollars!"


Jim thinks we should enter the look-alike contest at the Megagamerz store to win a thousand dollars each "coz naturally we look quite a lot like ourselves".  Tina wants to use her $1000 to hire a lawyer to sue for $1,000,000.


Velzon, i.e. my character says Megagamerz's previous contest only awarded a $30 voucher, so the $1000 prize is likely a "scam".  Tina notices that Back to Dungeon of Doom can't be pre-ordered, as if the game weren't suspicious enough already.  (Do video games still offer pre-order bonuses like they did in the time of Assassin's Creed 2?  Haven't seen many video game advertisements in a long time. . .)


We play Banana Boombox Biker for a while, but Jim has bad taste in games, and Tina and I "refuse to play it more than once".  None of the look-alike contestants could have competed with the originals:  one Wizard Zim impersonator has a Harry Potter toy wand.  Our classmates Ibrahim and Gretchen attended the launch party and "vanished into thin air", but not before Ibrahim recorded a low quality video on his phone.


Tina's friend Gretchen is the winner in the Tina Warrior Princess category, and two other people named Cameron and Diego represent Velzon and Wizard Zim.  "Congratulations.  I win.  Welcome back to my dungeon", says the Emerald Sage from Dungeon of Doom. 


Jim investigates by visiting a few websites that claim that either aliens, robots, or vampires kidnapped the cosplayers, but I say the Emerald Sage has imprisoned them in Dungeon of Doom.  Jim is skeptical about the idea of a video game villain abducting people from real life, and Tina has to point out that they were trapped in Dungeon of Doom before.  My character proposes that the look-alike contest was meant to capture us, and the Emerald Sage didn't count on trapping cosplayers.



Tina thinks the way to save everyone is to replay Dungeon of Doom and enter the "secret level".  "But. . .when you last played that horrible game, there were land sharks and flame-farting dragons and worse.  Do you really want to go through that again?"


In what may be the shortest path to a CANONICAL ENDING in New Zealand CYOA history, CHOICE #1 is to play Dungeon of Doom, or "No, anything but Dungeon of Doom again".  Neither Realms Beyond or I asked for this.


"Sorry', you tell Tina.  'I'm not playing that game again.  Even if those three cosplayers are inside the game, we can't help them-the Emerald Sage is probably waiting for us.  We're not real heroes-we're just kids who like playing computer games'.  Jim nods.


'I don't need you two cowards'.  Tina slams her laptop shut and stomps out.  'I'm a warrior princess!'  You and Jim don't look at each other.  'So', he says eventually.  'Another game of Banana Boombox Biker?'  'No thanks'.  He leaves too.


You don't hear from Tina all week.  Next Saturday, you and Jim are sitting around the kitchen table, looking for computer games to play and waiting for Tina to arrive.  You check the Galactic Gaming News website.  'That's weird.  The MegaGamerz news story is gone'.  Jim frowns.  'What's MegaGamerz?'  'Are you crazy?  It's our favorite computer games store!'  'Are you crazy?  We always go to Emerald Games.'


You search online.  The MegaGamerz website has vanished, and there's now an Emerald Games store at exactly the same street address.  Have they changed their name during the week?  Why's Jim saying he doesn't remember MegaGamerz?  Your screen flickers green.  You recheck Galactic Gaming News.  'The Back to Dungeon of Doom story from last week has disappeared!'


'What's Back to Dungeon of Doom?' he asks.  'A sequel to that Dungeon of Doom game we used to play?  Not a very original title'.  You search for Back to Dungeon of Doom.  No matches.  'You don't think Tina tried rescuing them by herself?' you ask.


Jim stares at you blankly.  'Tina who?  That new girl in English class?  You're not making any sense.'  Your head hurts.  Who's Tina again?  Was that her name?  Or was it Meg?  Meg, a gamer-yeah, that sounds familiar.  Your screen flickers green again, then displays the Emerald News, whatever that is.  You can't navigate anywhere else or even close your internet app.


The whole kitchen flickers green.  Music blares from your and Jim's laptops.  Your favorite music.  Everyone's favorite music.  On-screen appears the Emerald Emperor, the most wonderful person in the whole world.  You and Jim stand, salute your screens, and start singing along:


Oh Emperor divine and cool
No better guy could ever rule.
To be his slaves, we are so keen,
Beloved emperor so green.
We sing his praises every day,
And gladly gift him all our pay.
He is the planet's supreme mage,
the coolest, bestest, Emperor Sage!"



The Emerald Sage must have learned songwriting from Gruntilda, or Child of Light characters who aren't Rubella.  Endings based on abandoning the plot are more common in R.A. Montgomery's books like Journey Under the Sea than in the You Say Which Way series.  


Tina failed because Fighters are irrelevant in Dungeon of Doom.  Wizard Zim and Velzon did all the work in the 1st book!  You'd think being trapped in a video game would be a good case for Tina's lawsuit.

Results So Far


0 Good Endings

0 Deaths

1 Bad Non-Death Ending

0 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Back to Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings Part 1 Start


The only way to prevent Norman the Emerald Sage from taking over Earth is to play Dungeon of Doom in CHOICE #1.  I have to offer to play Banana Boombox Biker again to convince Jim to join the party.  Fortunately, this seems to be a New Game Plus:


"Jim's avatar, Wizard Zim, uses a teleportation spell to send your avatars straight to the room with the Nine-Headed Dragon, and the three of you attack it with an avalanche of fireballs, arrows, and Mighty Smiting Blows.  The dragon is so surprised that it drops dead on the spot".


It only took one full game's worth of grinding to make Tina Warrior Princess useful.  Dungeon of Doom must be designed around a specific party composition, since only I as Velzon the elf can see the portal to the next area.  I direct the party to the room with Princess Valeria the Sleeping Beauty parody.  Just before that, Wizard Zim makes a reference to Alternate Endings #13 from the first book:  "Yeah, I remember that too, but. . .I also remember the ivy killing us.  And I remember the Sage turning us into daffodils.  And another time, he turned my foot into solid wood."


Never thought I'd see Deaths being part of the official timeline, but Tina explains:  "They all happened-a new alternate universe from every choice we made".  Is Fairytale Factory now writing books specifically for me to review them?   


Princess Valeria wakes up, and Wizard Zim says he should cast Serpentine Snooze because he knows about the thorns being snakes in disguise.  Valeria casts it instead, and it doesn't work like Wizard Zim's version:  "The thorny branches turn into snakes and fly off in every direction, making squeaky-toy noises as they bounce off the ceiling, floor, and walls, then out the doorways". 


This part is based on Alternate Endings #12 from Book 1 where we helped the Emerald Sage awaken Valeria.  Norman hasn't been the same since.  "He couldn't stop babbling to himself about your silly world-your electricity and internet and websites, whatever they are, and his new best friend Prince Kombucha of Nigeria who's always borrowing money".


I didn't know what "kombucha" was until 4 years ago.  Perhaps the Nigerian email scammers ran out of aliases and got inspiration while looking for healthy drinks.


As a "reward" for telling her to use Serpentine Snooze, Princess Valeria "chants something in Ancient Fringolese" and turns us into chimps that say "ook" instead of killing us.  Did you really think I wouldn't notice the Librarian from Discworld reference, Peter Friend? 


Valeria had actually meant to turn us into frogs.  Wizard Zim somehow manages to change us back to normal with a spell, even while saying "ook" several times.  Wizard Zim says the reason for Princess Valeria's miscasts is that "her spell pronunciation is terrible".  It's Wingardium LeVIOsa, not LevioSA!  (The book already made a Harry Potter joke, so I'm allowed to do it too!)



Finally we're at CHOICE #2, the 1st real decision of the book:  follow Tina Warrior Princess's advice and chase Princess Valeria , or follow Wizard Zim's advice and look for clues to the Emerald Sage's plans in the "Sleeping Beauty" room.

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Back to Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings Part 1


We follow Princess Valeria, and Wizard Zim makes a comment about how princesses shouldn't be trusted.  Tina Warrior Princess looks like she's about to attack him until he clarifies that warrior princesses are okay.  Tina made a similar remark in the 1st book.


Tina must have read my commentary on earlier gamebooks and/or Baldur's Gate:  "I'm more worried that Valeria's a wizard princess, coz wizards can't be trusted either".  Considering she also tried a solo playthrough of Dungeon of Doom in the CANONICAL ENDING, I'd think we'd get along well if we ever met.


Valeria shouts "Stop following me!" and fires a spell that turns a wall blue instead of destroying us.  A "granite head" on the wall would be unremarkable under most circumstances in the Dungeon of Doom, but it says "You're not her" when we pass by.  Wizard Zim comments that the talking head is a "four-hundred-year-old enchantment".  Is the video game merely a teleporter to a fantasy world that runs on Narnia time?  What makes less sense even to the narrator is that the enchantment is "blurry".



Princess Valeria tries to hex us once more, but loses her place in the spellbook.  Tina Warrior Princess offers to make a deal "princess to princess" about how we're trying to find the cosplayers.  If we find them, we'll never bother her again.  Wizard Zim agrees to assist with magic, and my character Velzon will be useful for "scouting and avoiding traps and um. . .elfy stuff".


Princess Valeria comments that the castle looks different than it was 50 years ago, since she didn't recognize some of the new walls.  I explain that monsters had taken over the Dungeon of Doom, and Norman the Emerald Sage was the only person who stayed behind.  Valeria's furious about Norman paying more attention to "Prince Kombucha" than her.  Hopefully one ending involves the Nigerian fraudster unwittingly saving the world by taking all of the Emerald Sage's assets, but that's too original for You Say Which Way.


Valeria tells us to "ignore the heads" because all they ever say is "you're not her" or "you're not him".  Supposedly they were like that when her "great-great-great-great-great-something grandfather" built the castle 300 years ago.  She likes the idea that the castle is now hers if her parents have disappeared, and doesn't seem bothered by the monster occupation.


The "turn the wall blue" spell from before may yield a clue.  Wizard Zim believes that the stone heads are "actually one head with two faces" since there's only 1 blue wall in this part of the castle, and it's visible through a gap.  He also thinks it's odd that 400-year-old stone heads are part of the architecture of a 300-year-old castle.  CHOICE #3 is whether to check the stone heads with Wizard Zim, or follow Tina and Valeria to the next area.  Do I trust my wizard and split the party, a death sentence in this sort of game, or trust a villainous wizard and keep the party together?



Apparently no one had bothered to ask the heads whom they were looking for in the past 300 years.  They are two siblings named Bamo and Boma, who fought a "sorcerer demon" and were cursed.  I suggest that Wizard Zim cast his "floating mirror spell".  He says he'll give it a try, although he's "no expert on sorcerer demon magic". Both siblings return to normal, but an "arch collapses, showering Boma with rocks, which she doesn't seem to notice".  "An enormous granite fist" breaks the floor around us. 


Wizard Zim and I dash out of the way and catch up with Princess Valeria and Tina Warrior Princess.  Valeria's still cheering about how she'll be queen now that "Mommy and Daddy are probably dead after fifty years".  Tina asks "What have you done wrong this time?  Is something chasing you?" because we've rushed into the room.  I think another spell is about to hit me when I see a "bright light casting long shadows" nearby and make everyone else trip.


Valeria "swears filthily-a princess really shouldn't know words like that".  If she's a Spanish princess, the cussing probably involves milk or communion hosts.  The reason the castle was falling apart earlier is that Boma and Bamo are "fifty-foot-tall granite giants" who only have "the front half of a body".  When Tina and Valeria ask who Bamo and Boma are, we reply "It's complicated", "And definitely not our fault".  The giants hit one tower with a glass roof and destroy a wall by accident, which Valeria notes is her throne room.  Valeria runs away while Boma and Bamo dance around and break things, and Tina asks if we'll follow her.  Zim wants to enter the courtyard in the other CHOICE #4 option.



The Emerald Sage looks despondent as he casts a spell to make a vine grow from the tower.  When he wonders who attacked "his" castle, Valeria insists that the Dungeon of Doom belongs to her.  Valeria asks "in a dangerous voice" what he's doing in her throne room, and Norman says he's sold two of her jewels to Prince Kombucha for a "unique investment opportunity".


Valeria thinks of the Emerald Sage as a mere "apprentice wizard" now that she's memorized his spell book.  They two get into a magical duel as they argue, and the spells escalate until both sorcerers become trees wrapped in each other's branches.  Tina is reminded of her grandparents yelling at each other.  "Although my grandparents have never turned each other into trees-sometimes I wish they would".


We rescue the cosplayers from the "ruined tower" with the help of Bamo and Boma.  Gretchen, Cameron, and Diego have become their costumes, so apparently Dungeon of Doom has that effect on other people besides our party.  Diego explains that the Emerald Sage has a magical computer.  Boma and Bamo dig it out, and we discover its keyboard has "far too many keys, many with strange symbols".  A mirror that says "Internet connection lost" is a substitute for a monitor.  And a mouse with a long tail replaces a computer mouse.


Attempting to use the mouse makes it say "Incorrect wizard.  Disconnecting excess dimensions", which warps us back to Earth after a green flash.


"Suddenly, you, Tina, and Jim are sitting around the kitchen table in the real world.  Your laptop shows the Game Over screen for Dungeon of Doom.  You haven't played that game in ages.  Or. . .did you just finish a game?  Or were you taking a nap and having a weird dream?


'My thumb's bleeding'.  Jim frowns.  'Didn't I just say that?  What happened?  Where. . .who. . .'


'A house bit your thumb', Tina says.  'No, it was a louse, no, um. . .weren't we with Gretchen and some other people?'  Her phone launches into some awful K-pop tune.  'She's calling me now.  Hi, Gretch.  Slow down, you're not making sense.  What cosplay contest?  What's Back to Dungeon of Doom?  I said I'd explain what later?'


Back to Dungeon of Doom?  Is that a sequel?  It does sound familiar somehow.  You go to your internet app and search for Back to Dungeon of Doom.  Nope, no matches found.  'Now I remember', Jim says.  'We were about to play a new game called Banana Boombox Biker'.  Banana Boombox Biker?  Sounds awful".


This is a rare Good Ending where the epilogue text criticizes the player.  Peter Friend says the victory was "mostly by good luck, and you never got to the bottom of his evil plan".  Prince Kombucha might be a character we can meet rather than just a recurring joke when I explore the book further.


Don't know why the cosplayers remembered the events of this timeline, but Velzon, Tina Warrior Princess, and Wizard Zim became amnesiacs.



Results So Far


1 Good Endings

0 Deaths

1 Bad Non-Death Ending

0 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Back to Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings Part 2


The narrator may chastise the player for not figuring out the Emerald Sage's plan, but at least everyone survives in the "courtyard ending" of CHOICE #4.  Velzon, Tina Warrior Princess, and Wizard Zim are not so fortunate in the "follow Valeria downstairs" path.


"You sigh.  'We may as well keep going.  We still need to find the Sage, and then rescue Gretchen, Cameron, and Diego'.  Tina nods.  'I hardly know Gretchen', grumbles Zim.  'And none of us know Cameron or Diego'.  'That's not the point of rescuing people', you tell him.  'Heroes rescue anyone who needs rescuing'.  He shrugs.  'Suppose so'.


Tina leads the way down the stairway but stops halfway.  'There's something blocking the way.  I can't see what'.  Zim moves his wand from side to side like it's a radar scanner.  'Valeria cast another spell.  I'd better-'


Before he an finish his sentence, he and Tina are lifted into mid-air.  You try to step back, but something grabs you too, crushing your arms against your body and wrapping tightly around your neck.  Tighter.  Even tighter.  You can't breathe.  The last thing you ever hear is Tina gasping 'Told you so.  Invisible ivy', before everything turns black.  Forever".



It's a traditional CYOA Death, complete with "the last thing you ever. . ." stock text at the end. 


This ending won't make sense to readers until I bring up an incident that I left out in earlier posts.  Between CHOICE #1 and CHOICE #2, there's a scene where Tina swings her sword around a room looking for "invisible ivy".  Zim snickers and doesn't believe it exists.  


This is a fair conclusion since Valeria says "Stay.  Away.  From.  Me.  Or.  Else." and point an enchanted twig at you just before CHOICE #4 is presented.  It's ironic that you die to the one danger that Tina warns about when you follow Tina's suggestion in this ending. . .


Results So Far


1 Good Endings

1 Deaths

1 Bad Non-Death Ending

0 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Back to Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings Part 3


Let's rewind time and decide to follow Tina and Valeria in CHOICE #3 instead of freeing Boma and Bamo from their curse.


We see two Wizard Zims behind us, and Tina instantly knows what has happened:  "Oh, dung balls, we've been infiltrated by a zerox".  Is one ending from this book going to reveal that the company got its name from a wizard who took inspiration from the Dungeon of Doom monster?


Tina says the one way to find out which is the real Zim is to kill both wizards.  "Whichever corpse doesn't have three heads and long claws and purple blood was really Zim".  Valeria agrees, and my character wonders in the narration whether Tina is serious, or trying to bluff the zerox.  I point my bow at the wizards and ask them to transform each other into rabbits, since only the true Wizard Zim can do it.  But zeroxes are invulnerable to magic, and Valeria comments that it's in Chapter 19 of the spell book.


My Plan B is to ask the wizards what Wizard Zim's real name is, since the zerox can't know.  The wizard on the left is the real Zim, but now the zerox is impersonating Valeria.  "Oh great, we've been infiltrated by a zerox.  Again', Tina says, with double sarcasm and a side order of snark".


Zim wants to kill them both in the same way that Tina suggested.  My character in a moment of "18 penalty to Intelligence stat" says that "We can't kill a harmless unarmed princess".  Zim reminds me that she turned us into apes!  Tina wants to keep Valeria alive since she can tell us where the Emerald Sage is.



"They continue rolling around on the floor, yelling very un-princess-like insults at each other".


CHOICE #5 is whether to threaten the Valerias to try to reveal the zerox, or pay attention to the doorway because of "running footsteps, getting closer".  If you don't pay attention to an evil sorceress and a shapeshifting monster, this occurs:


"You turn to the doorway, keeping half an eye on the Valerias, in case one of them turns back into a zerox.  Unfortunately, Tina and Zim turn to watch the doorway too, and for just a second, no one's watching the Valerias.  That's enough time for the real Princess Valeria to cast a spell.  Suddenly you're incredibly cold, and you can't move anything except your eyes.  You can't even take a breath.


'Ice?' she shrieks.  'No, I meant to turn them into mice!'  'Close enough-those three were so annoying', says another voice.  'Would you mind if I stop imitating you now?  It's quite tiring pretending to be a princess'.


'Of course, of course.  It's awfully tiring actually being a princess too.  Here come those noisy footsteps-I think I'll turn whoever it is into ice too.  Or mice.  Or ice mice'.  Valeria giggles.  'Marvelous idea, Princess'.  Oh, the other voice must be the zerox.  Out of the corner of your eye, you see three people rush into the room.  There's shouting and screaming, then Valeria and the zerox laugh nastily.


'Excellent.  Come on, let's go find Norman the so-called Emerald Sage', Valeria says.  'I just thought of a hilarious trick we can play on him'.  Valeria and the zerox leave.  Did she turn those three people into ice too?  Apparently so-you can see the arm of one of them, frozen midway through swinging a sword.  Hmm, you still can't breathe, but you haven't suffocated.  So, Valeria's spell didn't turn you into actual ice, it must be just some sort of icy suspended animation.  But knowing that doesn't help you at all.


Your nose starts to itch.  Hours later (or so it seems), two large cat-like creatures flutter through the doorway on bat wings.  One lands on your left shoulder, sniffs you, then bites your earlobe.  Oh no, does it think you're an elf-flavored popsicle?  Something booms, making the room shudder.  The cat creatures yowl and fly off-that's a relief.  A distant rumble gets closer and closer.  Another of Valeria's spells?  Did she and the zerox kill the Sage?  Did he kill them?  The room creaks and shudders again.  The ceiling collapses on you.


Suddenly, you, Tina, and Jim are back in the kitchen, shivering uncontrollably.  After a few minutes, you warm up enough to at least talk, but none of you can remember what happened.  Your laptops all show the same Game Over screen for Dungeon of Doom, which makes no sense-why would you have played that?


Jim closes his laptop and stifles a sneeze.  'I'm going home'.  Your left earlobe hurts.  It's bleeding!  How did that happen?  Tina's phone rings.  From what you overhear, it's her friend Gretchen down at the MegaGamerz store.  Something about a cosplay contest and she's freezing cold and her arm hurts?  Tina leaves before you can work out what they're talking about. . ."


I may put this in the Neutral Ending column, because although everyone is safe, both the conclusion itself and the epilogue text suggest that we might as well not have bothered with the adventure.  "Sure, it's a lot better than being dead.  But then again, you never found the Emerald Sage or got to the bottom of his evil plan, and you only survived thanks to whatever horrible thing Princess Valeria and the zerox probably did to the Sage".


If those were swimming cats instead of flying cats, it would be a more intriguing ending that would link Dungeon of Doom to the Between the Stars series.


Spells must use several languages in Dungeon of Doom.  In this ending, it's clear the "ice" and "mice" spells are in English.  The Emerald Sage's magical computer is also based on English.  But some of Norman's "hortimancy" spells are in "Vernian", whatever that is.  


Results So Far


1 Good Endings

1 Deaths

1 Bad Non-Death Ending

1 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Back to Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings Part 4


"Zim's right, we have to kill them both", says my character Velzon as I decide to threaten Valeria and the zerox in CHOICE #5.  The footsteps from before are the cosplayers, which both Valeria and the zerox mistake for 3 more zeroxes as they look like us.  Zeroxes hate all others of their kind and avoid them when possible, which makes me wonder how they reproduce.  (If Dungeon of Doom is a teleporter interface rather than a video game, that is.)


Gretchen and Tina hug each other, while Cameron asks what a zerox is.  Valeria is nonplussed and asks "What's a cosplay?  What's a Diego?"  I guess she's not a Spanish princess after all.  Diego thinks Dungeon of Doom is advanced virtual reality, but I tell him he's trapped within the video game itself.  Cameron isn't impressed.  "We came all this way for nothing?  What a stupid game.  Okay then, everyone follow me back to the Sage".


Gretchen, Cameron, and Diego are a competent party than us if Gretchen's telling the truth.  Cameron the elf picked a lock, Diego knew invisibility magic "using a twig as a wand", and Gretchen headbutted the goblins.


Dungeon of Doom must have different rules for encounters than most video game RPGs.  Our party intimidates the monsters rather than provoking them to fight to the death in a random battle for 1 experience.  Diego is trapped on a "large striped leaf" until we pull him away.


Cameron gives us directions to Valeria's throne room.  She objects to Norman being there because "Wizarding staff are allowed there only by royal invitation".  Out-of-character, I'm reminded how the samurai ended the Heian period once they realized they had the power to overthrow the haughty aristocrats.


I propose that we all pretend to be zeroxes to confuse Norman once we reach him.  "Since a smarty-pants like him will know that zeroxes are immune to magic, he won't be so sure how to defend himself, right?"  Zeroxes probably are NOT immune to magic that affects their surroundings, so the Emerald Sage could probably collapse the ceiling, grow killer plants underneath their feet, or drop them in a pit or something.  Maybe I'd make a better wizard than these characters.


Once Norman is confused, Tina suggests that Diego and Zim should trap him in invisible ivy.  Zim still doesn't believe in invisible ivy because he never checks GameFAQs, but Valeria points to Chapter 27 of her spell book.


The throne room, or what's left of it, has a tree growing through a glass dome.  The two thrones are covered in ivy and emeralds.  Norman's too busy looking at "a video of a kitten playing a piano".  It's required by law for all "Internet humor" to include at least one cat video joke.  We charge into the room at Tina's signal and impersonate each other.  I even trip the same way Cameron does.


Zim and Diego's invisibility ivy spells fail when their wands become daffodils.  Maybe Norman has Spell Trigger active.  Valeria ran off when we weren't looking, and Norman reflects the invisibility spells back on the wizards.  Cameron's arrow becomes "a harmless drift of petals", while Tina and Gretchen "sink up to their waists in the foliage as if it's quicksand".


The Emerald Sage is surprised to see Princess Valeria.  She seems to like the orchids, but finds out that he sold her parents' scepters to fund Prince Kombucha.  "You've changed, Norman.  I remember when you were a sweet young apprentice royal wizard, unable to even look at me without blushing.  I rather liked sweet young Norman".  Norman blushes and asks Valeria to rule Earth and Dungeon of Doom land together.


But this flattery is only Valeria's ruse.  The twigs on her head stab Norman and kill him.  "He gasps, coughs blood, and collapses over the throne".  Valeria wants to be rid of both us and Norman's computer, and kicks the machine.  This teleports us back to Earth.



"Suddenly, you, Tina, and Jim are back in the real world, sitting around the kitchen table.  Jim's panting breathlessly, and Tina's wiggling her legs as if she's unsure she can move them.  Your laptop shows the Game Over screen for Dungeon of Doom, and your mouse has fur and beady eyes.  You blink, and no, it's a perfectly ordinary computer mouse, the same as always.  What happened?  Why would you have played that awful Dungeon of Doom game again?  Were you trying to avoid playing Jim's bike racing game?


Tina's phone rings.  'Gretchen, hi, I was just thinking about you, can't remember why'.  She listens and frowns.  'Hey, that's a coincidence, my legs hurt too'.  She listens some more.  'Why are you at the MegaGamerz store?  What Back to Dungeon of Doom cosplay contest?'


Back to Dungeon of Doom?  Is that a sequel?  Sounds familiar somehow.  You go to your internet app and search.  Nope, no matches found.  'You won, but now the manager won't give you your thousand-dollar prize?' Tina continues.  'Slow down, you're not making sense'.  Jim finally catches his breath and looks over at you.  'Another game of Banana Boombox Biker?"


This is unambiguously a Good Ending according to the epilogue text because Norman the Emerald Sage is dead.  What it doesn't say is that the other villain Valeria wants nothing to do with Earth, and therefore won't threaten us with cursed video games. 
 



Results So Far


2 Good Endings

1 Deaths

1 Bad Non-Death Ending

1 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings