Let's talk about something awkward ... online dating!

[TheHumanHydra]

Any advice for a young man looking to find someone on the interwebs? Do's and don't's, tips, etc. Any experiences you'd like to share, good or bad?

[Commodore]

Are you a single man in possession of a good fortune? I've had a couple friends meet their wives through eHarmony. So second-hand, they seemed to like it. But it's a serious-minded sort of place.

[TheHumanHydra]

No, I'm just your average (soon-to-be-ex-) university student. A lot of my friends are getting married or in serious relationships, and I'd like the same. The problem is ... I've never dated! I signed up for a couple sites recently (Plenty of Fish and Christian Mingle); I just don't know quite how to proceed on them. You know, what do you say to someone? How do you know if they're interested back? When do you ask for their number, or do you? For a date? How do you let someone know you're not interested without hurting them? You know, stuff like that, and anything else anyone more experienced than me might think of.

Oh, and I promise if I get a girlfriend I'll still report. She'll just have to accept my world-conquering ambitions. It's, uh, career-preparation ...

[Gaspar]

I don't have any real advice on dating sites, while I've browsed them I've never actually used one. But in terms of what to say/how to read someone/etc- these are life skills nobody can tell you how to pick up. You learn the same way you learn anything, you try, you fail, you get back on the horse and try again. The biggest advantage of internet anything really is that it greatly minimizes the impact of rejection. A lot of people don't approach potential partners because they're afraid of being turned down and being embarrassed. In this situation if you try to chat someone up and they're not interested, they just won't respond, which is nothing to be bothered by. If you take enough bashes at them, you'll eventually get better at it. That's really the whole angle - overcoming your fear of failure. The rest is just details.

I'll bite my tongue on eHarmony and Christian Mingle out of respect for the forum.

[TheHumanHydra]

Thanks, Gaspar. Please don't bite your tongue - if there's something wrong with those sites, especially the latter since I have a profile there, I should probably know about it.

[darrelljs]

My only advice is be yourself...no point in having someone fall for !you.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure its best to let Gaspar bite his tongue on those sites .

Darrell

[kjn]

First, there is a difference between online dating services, and "just" online dating. The latter isn't that different from "normal" dating, except that you see each other first somewhere on the Internet, instead of somewhere else. Just hang out at places you are familiar with and like, and maybe stretch out from there to other places that you think will mean the same. But in those cases it helps to remember to be there for the place, not for dating. Meeting someone would be a nice bonus. (I know, I met my wife through Usenet.)

As for online dating services, a lot will depend on how the service is set up and the type of people it attracts (or wants to attract). I know at least one couple who got together using an online dating service, and it seems to work very well for them (I also know one couple who got together using the neighbourhood/relatives dating service, and that also seems to work very well). But the first question should always be that you feel comfortable with the service itself and the culture there. Granted, that's probably a lot easier as a guy than as a girl - what I've seen of the "proposals" to girls on these services is quite limited, but still scary.

Be yourself, be polite, respect a no and be gracious about it, and try to show enthusiasm over whatever you're enthusiastic about. The latter part is probably the most important one.

[spellman]

OKCupid runs interesting stats on their dating system.

http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/online...t-message/

Granted, a kjn stated, this is highly dependent on the environment you're in. OKCupid has a bad rep from a few of my friends as having some... interesting people on there since it's popular in urban regions and free.


Most dating advice for in-person works for online dating. You just have to somehow express all of it via text only. Here's some basic pointers:
* Be yourself. There's no bigger screw up than faking it until they get to know the "real you." Lies break down the foundational trust in any relationship. So be honest. Just not brutally honest. open, but don't TMI it.
* Apply pressure. Girls are just as confused as guys when it comes to subtle signals. Quick Google searches of "How to tell he likes you" should prove that without a doubt. So show intent. Prompt things, ask questions, show interest in their life. People in friendships AND courting respond positively to people who are interested in THEM as a person.
* Don't be a creeper. If you're getting stonewalled, that's the polite way of saying "not interested" so drop it and move on. This also includes taking things in steps. Your first contact shouldn't be "let's meet." Do some basic talking via messaging, then move to texting/calls, then meet live. Unless they really want to meet at a neutral event.
* DO NOT fall into the trap of thinking you have a huge pool of "applicants." It's a common mistake that since you have access to all of these profiles you have a huge pool of possibilities and can be flippant and replace failures. If you're not taking it seriously, they pick up on that and move on.
* Know what you want. Are you dating to gain experience? Dating looking towards marriage? Don't mix the signals and be forthright. You throw very different styles if you're looking for a casual versus a serious relationship.
* Be yourself. I bears repeating. And if yourself isn't what you want, start doing self-improvement until you're happy with yourself.

Other than that, most advice has to be custom-tailored for the individual and their circumstances.

[spellman]

No, I'm just your average (soon-to-be-ex-) university student. A lot of my friends are getting married or in serious relationships, and I'd like the same.

I should also note don't be nervous about dating just 'cause it seems like everyone else is getting married and you're missing out. Currently in the USA the median marriage age for Men is 29. Women I think it's around 27. Dating someone is fundamentally a friendship. Just with an extra layer coated on top. I was once told there are 3 components to a successful marriage: Trust, Common Interests, and Physical Chemistry.

[Commodore]

I'm not sure how OKCupid is as a dating site, but if you love statistics, it is a great, great data mine.