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Herman Gigglethorpe · May 15th, 2019, 19:30

22 Minutos: Tibicenas Alternate Endings Part 58

For any hope of a good route, I need to return to CHOICE #2 and ask the woman for an explanation. This causes her to die very quickly as the wolf bites her in the neck.

CHOICE #94 at 13:33 is to either try to see what the wolf does with the woman's corpse after it's dragged out the window, or speed up and try to save my life.

Doing the latter results in the fastest DEATH #1 yet.

"You make impact against the gigantic wolf that occupies half the highway, but the creature resists. It doesn't fall. It growls in pain and that growl seems to have come from Hell itself, but it doesn't die.

You step on the gas pedal, but the vehicle doesn't advance. You only see the chassis breaking before the body of the monstrous being. A dense and terrible smoke begins to leave the hood and soon the engine gurgles and dies. The car stops.

The wolf jumps on the hood. Its paws are fractured, breaking like a piece of ceramics after a hammer blow, but it doesn't seem like it cares in the least. Through the cracks, you see a fire, like a kind of lava that flows (manar) outside. It holds onto the dashboard and breaks it with its weight. Before you can do anything, it has its fangs in your face".

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: "Die in less than 5 minutes".

Results So Far

0 Good Endings

9 Deaths

1 Bad Non-Death Ending

0 Neutral Endings

1 Inconclusive Endings

Herman Gigglethorpe · May 15th, 2019, 20:04

22 Minutos: Tibicenas Alternate Endings More Dead Ends

If I try to investigate where the wolf is dragging the woman's corpse in CHOICE #94, there isn't much hope.

This creates a scene of wolves jumping on the woman's body and eating it. CHOICE #95 at 13:34 is to either concentrate on the road, or keep looking. Concentration merely shifts me back to CHOICE #68, while continuing to look is a DEATH #2 we've already seen.

So the only hope of seeing either DEATH #4 or ENDINGS #2 and #9 is to take a different path in CHOICE #1.

This time, I'll continue driving instead of stopping. The woman plans to grab onto the car no matter what, and tries to open the passenger's side door. CHOICE #96 at 13:32 is to stop and help the woman, or accelerate and leave her to her fate.

When I brake, she grabs onto the trunk and asks me to accelerate. Then I see the wolf. CHOICE #97 at 13:33 is to either maintain my current speed so she can hang on, or speed up at all costs. CHOICE #98 at 13:34 happens when I keep the same speed, making the car slow enough for the wolf to bite off her leg. The next step is to either open the door for her, or accelerate and hope she can hang on.

Apparently, she doesn't climb inside in time, so CHOICE #99 at 13:35 is another "speed up or maintain speed" decision. Maintaining speed gives me a variant of the earlier CHOICE #6 that featured the tourniquet. But the other CHOICE #100 option at 13:36 is to return to the highway. But that just leads to CHOICE #7.

Speeding up in CHOICE #99 and leaving the woman to die also leads to CHOICE #7. It seems she isn't as relevant to this story as the author would have you believe.

Although I get a short message insulting me before the "click here" line: "You speed up trying to ignore that because of your selfishness and lack of participation, a woman is being devoured alive. You could have helped, but you've decided not to do it. Click here and try to forget your actions".

At this point, this gamebook is so tedious for everyone that I might as well just post the remaining major endings tomorrow night and be done with it. I've explored this travesty far more than anyone ever should. 22 Minutos: Tibicenas should not be professionally translated into any other language, and must only be used as a particularly harsh form of penance for bad Spanish-speaking CYOA readers. The next gamebook will be You Say Which Way: Dinosaur Canyon. Everyone likes dinosaurs!

RefSteel

(May 15th, 2019, 20:04)Herman Gigglethorpe Wrote: 22 Minutos: Tibicenas should not be professionally translated into any other language, and must only be used as a particularly harsh form of penance for bad Spanish-speaking CYOA readers.

Okay, hang on, I feel like we, your loyal readers, need to do something to make it up to you for going through all of that. So I'm going to write an improved version of 22 Minutos: Tibicenas for you! It's called...

2 + 2 Minutos: Tibicenas

sunrise089 · May 16th, 2019, 09:17

@RefSteel: love it! I actually did a ctrl-a for ‘Page 22’ to try to figure out how to get there in your story, only to then get the joke smile

Herman Gigglethorpe · May 16th, 2019, 18:31

RefSteel's parody is far better than the actual book! Bonus points for including references to "swallow saliva" (tragar saliva) and "arm yourself with valor" (armarse con valor). If this book included Spain's distinct methods of swearing, you'd have even more joke material.

This episode will be a special one: CHEAT YOUR OWN ADVENTURE. Since I have no way of telling exactly how to get to these endings from page 1, I'll just post my informal translation of them along with suitably snarky commentary.

To get to the final CHOICES leading to DEATH #4 and ENDING #9, you're supposed to select "Say you both will continue together until the end" in some 13:47 branch, instead of either taking the idol or giving the idol to the woman.

This takes you to 13:49, skipping a minute without the usual no-CHOICE filler page. The woman and the player character reach the altar room in the Cave of Despair, and she puts the idol on the altar. This causes a "blue flash" to come out of the idol. The woman "is busy speaking in a language you don't recognize, praying some forgotten litany". Earthquakes are shaking the idol, and the next CHOICE is to either grab the idol so it doesn't fall down, or hold the woman up instead.

Picking the latter results in DEATH #4. No smoke inhalation, unlike RefSteel's parody. You prevent a rock from the roof from falling and crushing her to death, but the idol is broken and the ritual is ruined.

"What have you done?' the woman asks again while she tears your jaw apart with the rock.

'What have you done?', she insists when she hits you with the arm you are using to cover yourself. You hear your bone breaking and scream in pain.

'What have you done?', she insists again when she makes your face burst with the rock. You notice your nose breaking, and blood fills your mouth.

'What have you done?', she continues asking when she breaks your face again. You notice a tooth breaking and falling inside your mouth. You choke (atragantarse) on it.

'What have you done?', you continue hearing, each time farther away, while she continues crushing your head to a pulp. Her screams are mixed with weeping, but you can't do anything.

'What have you done?"

So you only get DEATH #4 if you choke at the last second and save the woman instead of the idol. For a book that loves to kill the player character many times, it's kind of a waste. The wolves and fire have to pick up the slack for most fatalities.

What you're actually supposed to do is keep the idol steady. The giant rock falls, but bounces in the air just before it hits her and falls to the floor harmlessly. The Magic Force Field is quite the plot convenience!

Two wolves howl outside the door, and seem to be afraid to go further. If you hold onto the idol in the final CHOICE, you win. After one wolf explodes in a blue flash, the other flees. The woman sees "We did it. We've stopped Guayota". Does she bother to introduce herself to you? No!

All the wolves have gone to pieces by the time you both leave. The woman tells you "My commitment was always to care for this sanctuary. It's built on the lair (guarida) of Guayota. From here, he managed to invoke the tibicenas, his demonic host (huestes). A ritual had been done to keep them at bay, but something must have failed, because they managed to leave. Whatever may be the case, I carried away the idol to repair it and give energy to the sanctuary again, but I couldn't return it on time".

And ENDING #9 doesn't end with you marrying the unnamed priestess:

"You both go to the surface after a torturous climb. The sun illuminates a sad scene. The fire is much more extensive and now seems unstoppable. But the Harimaguada, the Guanche priestess, seems exulted with joy. She proudly looks directly at the sun.

'Thanks, Magec', she says to the sun. It seems to answer her, but you don't hear anything. 'Thanks for giving us your light. I only returned a small favor, nothing more.'

The woman sits down, completely ignoring her wounds, to contemplate the spectacle.

'The Canary Island pine is strong. It will sprout again. Although it burns, it will sprout again. This is nothing. Guayota has lost and will not return for a long time'.

You're going to respond to what she said, but she has died. You see her prone on the floor with a smile on her lips, and you don't need to take her pulse to know it".

Does the player character avoid death by smoke inhalation now that the fire is larger than ever before? What does he do with his knowledge that modern astronomy is bunk, and the Guanches had the right idea the whole time? What will happen next time Guayota returns in the distant future without a priestess to stop him? Don't expect answers to any of these questions!

(Except maybe they'll program self-driving cars to ram Guayota when he eats the sun again. . .)

Final Results

1 Good Endings

10 Deaths

1 Bad Non-Death Ending

0 Neutral Endings

1 Inconclusive Endings

This is the book I will judge all future terrible CYOAs by. "It might be bad, but at least it's not 22 Minutos: Tibicenas". For traditional novels, The Mysteries of Udolpho by Ann Radcliffe is my equivalent standard. 22 Minutos combines the repetitive endings of Dragons Realm with the inconsistencies and illogical decisions of La Isla de los Dodos to create the ultimate punishment for gamebook fans unfortunate enough to know Spanish.

(Knowing Spanish is fortunate in the case of La Prisión, the standard I use for good CYOAs.)

If nothing else, Dinosaur Canyon has to be better. Maybe my first playthrough goal will be to find a way to get my character fossilized next to a dinosaur, causing some future paleontologist to discover it and "prove" Young Earth Creationism. But chances are the writer didn't think of an ending that elaborate or bizarre.

In case anyone else is foolhardy enough to take on the remainder of 22 Minutos: Tibicenas, I'll attach the Word document I use to keep track of the CHOICES.

Herman Gigglethorpe · May 17th, 2019, 17:48

You Say Which Way: Dinosaur Canyon Part 1

It's time to revisit our friends from New Zealand in another You Say Which Way! Dinosaur Canyon is written by Blair Polly, who I was surprised to learn is a man. (Blair is considered a preppy girl's name in the U.S.) Blair Polly seems to have contributed to Creepy House too.

"A meteorite streaks across a cloudless Montana sky and disappears behind a hill, not far away". I see this happen by looking out a window inside a bus, along with a friend named Paulie Smith. The other students "look up from their phones. 'What? Huh?" How much do you want to bet that there will be a Dr. Pook style villain who will have a cell phone jammer ready for these kids?

Anyway, Dinosaur Canyon has a specific setting in the Montana badlands, which seems to be rare for You Say Which Way stories. Who knows where Deadline Delivery, Creepy House, and the Earth parts of Dragons Realm take place?

The bus goes to a side road and we see a sign that says WELCOME TO GABRIEL'S GULCH.

Mr. Jackson tells us "Once your tents are set up, you've got the afternoon to go exploring. So get to it. And remember, take notes on what you see and hear. You will be tested". Mr. Jackson just preemptively answered the question every bored American student asks: "Will this be on the test?"

Our teacher is having some fun here. Mr. Jackson "is drinking coffee with some parents who've come along to help. . .and are laughing and telling tales of other camping trips". Before we go, he warns us to not wander alone, and to beware of rattlesnakes.

The cell phone kids are still "puzzling over how their borrowed tents work or complaining about the cell phone reception". Paulie and I are the only ones who know how to set up a tent. (This is not true about me in real life, by the way).

I tell Paulie to go with me to the west before Mr. Jackson or the parents decide to tag along. The narration then tells us the "badly eroded hills" are great places to look for fossils. Paulie claims they've found T. Rex bones here, and says "But did you know scientists reckon T. Rex had arms about the same length as man's but would have been strong enough to bench press over 400 pounds?". I guess Paulie's here for education and exposition purposes, to avoid giving the player character too much of a distinct personality.

Paulie really wants an Ankylosaurus, though, since "they're built like a tank with armor and everything". My character proposes CHOICE #1, since I seem to be a bit more proactive than in other You Say Which Ways.

Either we can go left to Gabriel's Gulch and look for the meteorite that Paulie is excited about, or go right to the "eroded hills" to dig for fossils and maybe see an abandoned mine. Paulie refers to Gabriel's Gulch as a "canyon", which means I must go there if I have any hope of going back in time and getting fossilized!

Herman Gigglethorpe · May 17th, 2019, 18:09

You Say Which Way: Dinosaur Canyon Part 2

"The canyon is narrow with a dried creek bed running down its centre."

That's the first line we get when I go left into Gabriel's Gulch in CHOICE #1. Paulie is almost as excitable as Wil from Dragons Realm, but less annoying, and doesn't call me the "Great Zeebongi". Paulie takes a picture of the sandstone arch with his cell phone, so the author doesn't have a complete disdain for modern communications.

"Did you know sandstone dates back to the Late Cretaceous period?' You shake your head. 'Do you live on Google, Paulie?' 'But-but that was the time of the dinosaurs. Everyone knows that!"

In real life, I may not have known about Mesozoic geology, but I did read a substantial number of kid's science books, some of them involving dinosaurs. So I can relate to Paulie a bit.

Our first hint of danger happens when I read my guidebook and say "It says here that Gabriel's Arch was named after the man who discovered it in 1802. It also says he died after being bitten by a rattlesnake a week later". Use your best Cedric the Owl voice and shout "a POIsonous snake!"

Unlike other You Say Which Ways, there are nature facts in this one! When an animal is introduced, a hyperlink will appear taking me to a page with information about it. The one for rattlesnakes has the line "More poison is injected in hunting bites than when striking defensively. (Why waste good poison?)" Prairie rattlesnakes are the only ones we might face in this story, as they're the only kind that live in Montana.

When I warn Paulie not to sneak up on the rattlesnakes, I get this reaction. "Oh no!' Paulie says in mock terror, flapping his hands in exaggerated fashion and whipping his head back and forth faster than spectators at a tennis match". I was thinking of the chicken dance until I read the tennis match part.

"Near the edge of the ridge, a stone arch soars above you like a gateway to some mythical portal". That line is the most obvious foreshadowing I've seen in a while, and the book even includes a color photo of a stone arch! If that's not the time travel device, I'll eat my nonexistent hat.

The meteorite turns out to be "fist-sized", and probably contains iron. My character wants to show it to Mr. Jackson, and I say "Take a photo of me in the arch with it, Paulie".

"As you wait under the arch, the rock in your hand glows red and starts to vibrate, slowly at first, then faster and faster. A high-pitched hum gets louder and louder. You drop the lump and place your hands over your ears". This sends Paulie and me back in time after a flash. Meteorite travel isn't just for Final Fantasy 5.

Instead of a grassland, the Mesozoic landscape is a "steamy jungle". We both wonder if we're dreaming, and suspect the nearby footprints must be from an emu or ostrich.

But "your speculation is cut short" when a 6 feet long and 3 feet tall lizard approaches! It "flicks its tongue a couple times, hisses, then stretches its long neck in your direction".

CHOICE #2 is to either climb the arch, or go back to the canyon.

Herman Gigglethorpe · May 17th, 2019, 18:33

You Say Which Way: Dinosaur Canyon Part 3

Going back to the canyon gives us an action scene, but not an immediate death like you might expect from a CYOA. We run, but the dinosaur is blocking our path, and the canyon is too steep and filled with "murky brown water".

Paulie suggests jumping in the water, but the dinosaur is too close. We go behind different stone pillars, and the dinosaur can't stop in time to avoid falling into the water itself. Then the dinosaur, which turns out to be a Troodon, is eaten by a Tylosaurus. "Then with a splash and a gurgle, both creatures disappear below the surface, leaving nothing but a series of ripples". I'm not familiar with Tylosaurus, so I had to look it up in the nature facts section. It turns out to have been an aquatic predator in a Cretaceous seaway that once split North America. Its snout was a form of battering ram.

After this carnage, Paulie says "Please tell me this is a bad dream", to which I respond "Okay, it's all a horrible reptilian nightmare. You happy now?"

Paulie looks at his cell phone to look through his pictures of the meteorite. He brings up the possibility that the revolving planet may not be in the same position as we are when we travel in time, which is uncommon in stories of this type. Trying to return to the present with the meteorite fails. But we do end up in some time other than the Mesozoic.

"And then Paulie sees what you've seen. Bison. Not just one or two. But tens of thousands of them".

When I hear mentions of the huge bison herds from centuries ago now, I think of the book 1491 by Charles C. Mann. He suggests that herds of this size were an aberration caused by the massive deaths of Native Americans in epidemics after European colonists arrived, rather than the natural bison population prior to that. I wonder if Blair Polly will reference this idea in the book in any way?

Anyway, Paulie notices that his cell phone vibrated just before going back in time, and not because he received any messages. My character scoffs at the idea and says "I hardly think there were cell phone towers in the Cretaceous period, Paulie". But then again the player character hasn't seen One Life to Live, where the characters travel back in time by holding up their cell phones in a thunderstorm.

I try to cheer Paulie up by talking about how cool our time travel school report will be. (But will Mr. Jackson believe it?)

CHOICE #3 is to either go back to where our camp will be in the future, or return to the Cave of Time Gabriel's Gulch.

Herman Gigglethorpe

You Say Which Way: Dinosaur Canyon Part 4

Let's go back to Gabriel's Gulch in CHOICE #3. This plot device is in no way a ripoff of the first official Choose Your Own Adventure! (Although it's still enjoyable.)

Paulie recommends filling up our water bottles just in case. We find a bison carcass that appears to have "gone base jumping without a parachute", according to Paulie. I tell him not to touch it because "it'll have germs all over it". Will there be an ending where some time travel disease causes the next great plague because no one will be resistant to it in the present?

Paulie speculates nervously on what ate part of this bison. "Wolves maybe, or a mountain lion?" NO, NOT MORE WOLVES! I PICKED THIS GAMEBOOK SPECIFICALLY TO GET AWAY FROM THE 1,379,858,390,902 WOLF BITES IN 22 MINUTOS: TIBICENAS!

But fortunately, it's a "big cat" instead. Paulie and I hang onto each other and jump into the current to get away. My character loves this and says "Yippee! This is like a big slippery slide!" Paulie is wiser and says "Did you know that most fast moving streams end in waterfalls?"

"Paulie is doing windmills as he furiously back-paddles in a useless attempt to slow his progress towards the edge". But we both land in water rather than impaling ourselves on rocks or something. Paulie's cell phone has a "waterproof cover", but he worries about losing his photos.

We notice a dinosaur bone and take it. When Paulie takes a picture, it sends us back to what seems to be the present, as the creek is now dry.

Paulie gives us another good moment when I say I have to report the location of fossils to the park rangers.

"But that law is recent', Paulie says with an evil grin. 'We collected this fossil millions of years before that law was passed. Heck, we collected it before Montana even existed, and brought it back to the present. Technically, I reckon we're okay".

This path is unexpectedly short and results in our CANONICAL ENDING before I realize it!

"By the time you're 100 yards from camp, a sea of amused faces is staring at you. But this only makes you and Paulie sing louder.

'Well, you two seem pleased with yourselves', Mister Jackson says as he comes out to greet you. 'Looks like you've got quite a prize there. How did you come across that?'

You sneak a knowing look at Paulie and grin. 'It's a long story Mister J. A very long and interesting story".

So our 1st ending and my official score is a Good Ending despite my best efforts. Paulie and I snag a bone from some unknown dinosaur in the Bison Period and survive a trip to the Cretaceous. Maybe we'll prove time travel with our photos? More probably, they'll assume we stole the photos from movie footage or something.

Results So Far

1 Good Endings

0 Deaths

0 Bad Non-Death Endings

0 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

Herman Gigglethorpe · May 17th, 2019, 19:44

You Say Which Way: Dinosaur Canyon Alternate Endings Part 1

What would a good time travel CYOA be without parallel universes where my character dies in grisly ways?

In this alternate path, Paulie and I go towards the camp site location in the Bison Period. Paulie mentions what local wildlife live here, including prairie dogs and pronghorn. When Paulie mentions that the pronghorn is the fastest land animal in North America, my sarcastic character responds "You obviously haven't seen me being chased by that nasty dog that lives down my street". That last line makes me think perhaps the player character has memories of Deadline Delivery? At the very least they could be teleported to this book from Creepy House's library.

Paulie is concerned about not being able to return to the present, and my character suggests "bison burgers". When I go further and ask "Would you like fries with that?", Paulie says potatoes are native to South America, so we can't get them here. I happened to learn about this in real life when I had to read Alfred Crosby's The Columbian Exchange over and over again for a class.

My character suggests turning off the cell phone and turning it on again to see if the meteorite trick will work again. It does. We warp back to the present, and encounter a furious Mr. Jackson.

"Where did you two sneak up from? And where did you get the fireworks? You know they're not allowed on school trips." A few sentences later, and Mr. Jackson's "hands are on his hips".

CHOICE #4 is to either explain how time travel works, or keep the information to ourselves. Let's try the 1st option and get expelled!

We hand Mr. Jackson the meteorite and he notices it's unusually hot. I say Paulie's cell phone is probably the cause of us going back to the Cretaceous. Paulie mentions the swamp, Troodons, and a T. Rex! But we never saw a T. Rex in this timeline, so Paulie must be lying about his already unbelievable time travel story.

Understandably, he doesn't believe us. "Now go and catalogue your find and stop this nonsense". Eventually he asks "You weren't eating cactus were you?" I'm willing to bet that these two characters lick toads instead.

I suggest that we go back in time to prove the possibility of doing so, but Paulie wants nothing do do with this. "There's more danger than just dinosaurs, you know!' Paulie yells from ten yards away. 'We could end up in the future too,' he says. 'What if we jump so far forward the earth is no longer habitable?"

Or more likely, they'll run into King Arthur who happens to speak perfect Mexican Spanish, as seen in the telenovela Aventuras en el Tiempo.

"You can see Mister Jackson's mind ticking over. Before you can stop him, the teacher stands up and, grunting with effort, throws the meteorite as far as he can. As the rock flies over the edge of the cliff and sails down into the dense scrub below, you wonder for a moment what opportunities you've missed and what dangers you've been spared. Then you turn to your teacher and look down at your finger hovering over the 'on' button on the Paulie's phone [sic].

'I guess that's a no then?'

'I think fossil hunting is exciting enough. Don't you?' Mister Jackson says with a look of relief in his eyes. 'Besides, it probably wouldn't have worked a second time'.

Now that the meteorite is gone, Paulie relaxes. You shrug and give your teacher a smile 'Yeah, you're probably right Mister J, you're probably right".

There's no extra epilogue text for this, suggesting to me that it's a Neutral Ending. Paulie and I survive, but fail to bring back any proof that time travel works, leaving us essentially where we started. Except we have been to the Cretaceous and Bison Periods, an experience few people can have.

Results So Far

1 Good Endings

0 Deaths

0 Bad Non-Death Endings

1 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

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