Gamebooks (Choose Your Own Adventure Style)

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

No Me Llames Tami Alternate Endings Part 26


Let's not follow the Lost Jewels of Nabooti temptation in CHOICE #26!


After a while of looking around the terminal, I see a clock with Roman numerals and head toward it.  There's a line that mentions I'm seeking a "profesor", NOT a "profesora".


A strange man blocks my path, with shoulder-length yellow and black hair, leathery skin, and a "turquoise skull smiling with its eye sockets" tattoo on his earlobe.  He says "What are you doing?  Where are you going?  Why did you take so long?  And above all, who are you?  Why didn't Jordana come?"  He drags me by the arm and suggests "We're going to take a walk".


I'm taken to a car with stinky leopard plush seats.  The man, who turns out to be the Professor, asks where Jordana is, and of course calls me Tami.  I don't even bother to tell him not to.  Evidently the lie I told the 3 hair color lady in CHOICE #21 happened to exactly match this criminal conspiracy, and she mistook me for Jordana!


CHOICE #27 is to either jump out of the car and risk death or injury, or "continue traveling with your kidnappers (because that's what they are)".


"Jumping out of a moving car in the movies is definitely much easier and more elegant than it is in reality".


I hit the Professor to stun him while he's going for the shoulder, and I jump out.  My hips hurt the most, and nothing softened (amortiguar) the blow.  Then I hear voices saying things like "call the ambulance" and "we can't leave her here like this".


Someone says I'm their daughter Elisa, but I've never been called that before, and I have no idea who this person is.  "Elisa or not, continue here".


"You stay for several days (or what you think are several days), to recover your consciousness.  During that time lapse, your life is reduced to brief fragments of light, unconnected images, and the voice.  The voice never abandons you.  The shrill (chillón) voice that insists on calling you Elisa and saying it's never going to leave you.


After a time, you manage to associate the voice with an image:  the lady has bulging eyes, orange hair with grayish roots, and she never lets her sky-blue plastic rosary go.  You hear her praying many times per day.  You were never religious, but after several times you remember the Lord's Prayer, the Hail Mary, and that long prayer that says 'I believe in God the Father Almighty'. . .Sometimes you would like to answer her .


For example, to be able to tell her you aren't Elisa, and surely, in the back of those brilliant eyes of the crazy woman, she also knows it.  Some afternoons, you see her taking out the dust of the photo frames-that is already full of statues, photos, and stamps, that it takes a while for you to be able to examine all the images in depth.  You  know that she avoids looking at the photos of Elisa to not realize that she is another person.  That she is lying to everyone, including herself.


'What a good person, Doña Leonor. . .so much patience with that girl.'


'One does everything for their children. . .you understand me, doctor.'


'Of course, Leonor.  Talk to her.  Talk to her a lot, so she, although she can't move, can understand everything.'


At first, you try to spin your pupils from one side to the other, so the doctor realizes how desperate you are, but it's in vain.  Sometimes you wonder if he isn't as crazy as her.  And sometimes. . .you simply wonder if it's true, if in reality you were always Elisa and you didn't know it.  END".


Tamara's injuries are so severe, she can only move her eyes, just like in certain soap operas and Alexandre Dumas Sr. novels.  And she's called Elisa now, but at least it's not Tami!


Results So Far


6 Good Endings

11 Deaths

10 Bad Non-Death Endings

0 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

No Me Llames Tami Finale


Our final ending involves staying in the kidnappers' car in CHOICE #27.


The car stops, and the Professor takes me down narrow streets that are deserted right now.  We travel through a humid hall with trash bags and broken flowerpots.  Three giant rats appear, but not ordinary rats.  These are ratmen!  I try to run away, but a handkerchief covers my nose and lips.  I'm immediately floating among the constellations "Three Marías", Ursa Major, and the Southern Cross.  This may be a "chloroform dream".


In the room where I'm at now, I hear a telephone ringing, and someone says "Hello, Jordana.  I passed by the counter and I didn't find any package.  Is everything fine?  Call me".


"The first months are the hardest.  Obviously, you'd like to leave and continue with your life, and follow some news (international, national, but more than anything, about your family), but your state doesn't allow it.  The Professor visits you every day, and assures you that you're fine, besides giving you your dose of syrup.  You never worked up the nerve to asked what he was giving you, but you suspect it's a kind of vitamin supplement.


By means of your abdomen increasing in size, you are invaded by an apathy (desidia) that makes you forget to water the plants in the hall.  You pass the days in bed caressing your belly and imagining that being that rocks in your stomach and seems to travel like a snake.


The days pass and you know the great moment is approaching.  You aren't afraid.  The Professor explained everything to you:  you're going to feel like something is scraping just below your belly button, for a few hours.  When your little guest passes through, everything's going to end for you.  You aren't going to be able to know it, but it doesn't bother you:  you're sure it'll get along very well with the other creatures in the hall".


So is Tamara going to die and give birth to some snakeman?  That's the interpretation I have, anyway.


No Me Llames Tami feels like just a bunch of random crap happening, and is a bad CYOA because of it.  Sometimes you're doomed in situations where there should be a chance of things going in your favor, like bringing Pepo with you.


But it was sometimes fun to read all the bizarre endings.  My favorite moment was seeing the Llámame Poli cover for the 1st time after making the wish to be successful.


The next book will be Dungeon of Doom from the You Say Which Way collection.  Peter Friend wrote that one, and you'll remember him from Deadline Delivery.



Results So Far


6 Good Endings

12 Deaths

10 Bad Non-Death Endings

0 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Dungeon of Doom Part 1


One Saturday, my character, Jim, and Tina are playing Dungeon of Doom on our laptops.


"Jim taps his keyboard to launch another fireball at the Nine-Headed Dragon's eleventh head.  (One head grew back twice)."


"Yee ha!'  Tina's onscreen avatar, Tina Warrior Princess, finally chops off the dragon's last head".


"Level Completed appears in giant sparkly letters.  The floor of the dungeon room fills with gold coins, gems, roast chickens, healing potions, and other end-of-level bonuses.  Your avatar, Velzon the Elven Archer, runs around the room collecting them.  Tina Warrior Princess and Jim's avatar, Wizard Zim, do the same".


Why do I have to play an elf?  Particularly the most cliche combat class for one too?  Now I'm reliving bad memories of Christopher Paolini's novels.


Tina and Jim argue about not taking the game seriously.  Jim doesn't think there should be cowgirl warrior princesses, while Tina points out Jim's wizard is wearing sunglasses.  Jim insists they're "Enchanted Shadow Crystal Lenses.  They give a plus 10 bonus when detecting and deciphering magic".


I see something strange on the wall behind the dragon's tail.  I throw a coin at the wall, and it disappears, revealing the message "Secret Bonus Level". . .in "Klodruchian Runes".  Is my character the kind of person who reads every book when playing Skyrim?


Jim suspects this is a glitch, like every protagonist in a poorly-written creepypasta.  "Remember that level in Monkey Maniacs, where jumping on the giant banana made the whole game crash?"  Bethesda Softworks must have programmed that game in this timeline. . .



Going through the portal sucks us all into the game Jumanji style.  My elf avatar Velzon is wearing "leaf-embroidered jerkin, spider silk trousers, and lizard-leather boots."  My weapons include a bow along with a dagger made of "finest Kargalin steel".  That detail will probably come up later.



Tina says "This better not be a maze.  I hate mazes.  Always get lost".  And it's true, because she has a "terrible sense of direction".


Tina and Jim want me to take point, probably so they can steal all the loot once I die.  But they justify it by saying "you're good at that elfy scouting stuff".  Does this mean I have enhanced hearing or magical scrying powers or something?  Maybe sending the archer into melee combat isn't such a good idea.


Anyway, CHOICE #1 is to either turn left and fight goblins, or right and fight ogres.  If we can kill a Nine-Headed Dragon with more heads than advertised, chances are we can beat either of these.  Unless this game uses Oblivion level scaling.

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Dungeon of Doom Part 2


So I go to the ogres hoping to take out the most dangerous enemies first.  Unfortunately, we don't get any experience from them because 4 ogres run past us, ignoring us completely.  They only harm they do is to step on Jim's foot.


I suggest the ogres are running away from a more powerful opponent.  I'm right, because we see "a head as wide as the corridor and nearly touching the ceiling.  It rolls straight towards you, grinning and wagging a long purple tongue".


I order everyone to run, but several doors are locked, and I don't have the luxury of using "elven lock-picking skills".


There's an open door leading to a "pitch black" room.  Tina and Jim are still being pursued by the "rolling head".  CHOICE #2 is to either take a chance by going into the dark room, or run for it and risk exhaustion.  Jim's got to have the Lumos spell, right?  


"The ceiling starts to glow, revealing that the room's only a few feet deep and wide".


"Stupid elf!  This is a dead end!', Tina snarls".


The giant head isn't small enough to fit through the metal door, and the door is starting to close automatically.  The purple tongue grabs my leg and drags me toward it, but now I have a chance.  Tina asks me to "Stab it!", while Jim advises "No, tickle it!  Trust me, Velzon!"


I don't really get much of a clue here.  Jim seems to know a bit more about the lore of this game, but that's a bit of a stretch.  Besides, listening to wizards is usually a bad idea, and I have a dagger made of the "finest Kargalin steel".


Unfortunately, listening to Tina is a worse idea.


"You stab the purple tongue.  Its end falls off, and the room's door slides closed.  Outside, the giant head roars in pain or rage or both.  It batters at the door, but can't get through.


The tongue end stretches and swells and keeps growing, thicker and longer, like a large snake.  Tina stabs it with her sword, but that just makes more bits fall off, and they grow into more snakes.


'I told you not to stab it', Zim moans.  'It's Orzkedryle's Endless Legion of Tongue Serpents.  We're doomed.'


'Orzka what?'


Dozens of tongue serpents wrap around the three of you, squeezing, crushing.  With your last breath, you scream, not that it helps.  Everything turns black, and. . .


Suddenly the three of you are back in the kitchen, wrapped together in a pile on the floor.


'Gross!' you say, and Tina says 'Blurgh!' and Jim says 'No one's allowed to cuddle me except Mom', all at the same time.  Blushing, you look at each other, then stare at the floor.


'I'm late for lunch.  Bye.'  Jim grabs his laptop and rushes out the door.  'I'm late for. . .something too.'  Tina leaves, almost running.


You stare at your laptop screen.  Game Over.  Try Again?"


The CANONICAL ENDING may not have ended well for our characters, because I spent too much time reading Klodruchian runes rather than the monster manual.  But we didn't die in real life, like you'd expect from a "trapped in a video game" plot.  Especially a clearly supernatural virtual reality setup.  The epilogue text suggests that we could have done "even worse".


So unless I see something indicating otherwise, I'll change the Bad Non-Death Ending category to the Game Over category for the purposes of this book.  Deaths will only be counted if the players die, not their avatars.


0 Good Endings

0 Deaths

1 Game Over

0 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings Part 1


So let's not pay attention to Tina the cowgirl warrior princess in CHOICE #3, and listen to the wizard with sunglasses instead!


I tickle the giant tongue, and it worked!  Jim didn't know that.  It was a desperate plan because he knew the head was "Orzkedryle and her Endless Legion of Tongue Serpents".  Jim's tongue is ticklish, so he thought it would work on the monster too.


"How do you know your tongue's ticklish?'  Tina asks".  "Haven't you ever tickled your tongue?"  "No!  What kind of weirdo are you?"


This "room" is actually an elevator, as indicated by "dwarven runes".  Zim worries "It's a trash compactor, like in Star Wars", but I tell him "You watch too many movies".  But Star Wars is a movie I'd expect these kids to have seen, and this is a stock RPG which has probably taken a bit of influence from it. . .


We have to deal with a low ceiling on the next floor because it was built for dwarves rather than humans.  I warn Tina not to touch the slumberworms, as they can put any human to sleep and then eat them alive.


Jim suggests going left because that way is "cold and damp" and will have fewer slumberworms.  Tina wants to go right, but that seems to have a "faint golden glow" that doesn't smell of smoke.  Apparently Velzon the elf knows what dwarves smell like too, but can't find any trace of them here.  Does this game you can play on your laptop come with Smell-o-Vision?  Jim also detects powerful magic coming from the right.


CHOICE #4 is to head to the left like Jim wants, or right like Tina suggests.  I'll go left because Jim saved me in this alternate timeline, and Tina got me a Game Over.


Jim detects some magic through his sunglasses, and I feel my elf ears twitch.  There's also an antimagic effect to prevent Jim from casting anything.  Jim has reservations about going forward because "my mom says never to walk in wet shoes or you'll get blisters".


Um, in real life, I've had to walk in wet shoes multiple times, and I never got blisters like Jim says would happen!


Anyway, Queen Moist of the water spirits appears and says "Thank you, brave heroes, for rescuing me from that horrid puddle".  Tina introduces herself thus:  "I'm royalty too-Tina Warrior Princess.  Pleased to meet you".  Moist isn't impressed with Tina's title.


Queen Moist says water spirits can live in any body of water, but tend to be stuck in whatever one they're in unless moved.  She tried telling a rat to get her out of the puddle, but its low intelligence made that plan failed. 


I ask about a reward, and remember an incident on "Level 84" where we saved a prince from a dragon, and the monarchs gave us an "enchanted carrot to get past the end-of-level giant rabbit".  But couldn't we have just killed the rabbit with our high level characters?  RPG players love nothing more than murdering NPCs for little to no justification, and will take alleged "invincibility" as a challenge.  I should know.  When playing Skyrim, I slashed Shadowmere to death just to see if I could!



Queen Moist says we can have a warm bath, along with all the gold we can carry.  It's tempting to the whole party.  But this seems to be a pure dungeon crawler, and no shops have been mentioned yet.  What do they spend the gold on.  And wouldn't gold be heavy to lug around?


Queen Moist says that to reach her home, we'll have to go past the "wall of screaming skulls".  And she means that literally.


"Bone-face!"  "You're skinny!" "Your nose has fallen off!"  "So has yours!  And your eyeballs!"


Tina notes that there is no 2nd doorway on the right, only a hole.  And I see that the water "looks too deep, and. . .why so many bubbles?  There's a weird soapy smell too."


Moist responds to our concerns with "I'm queen, so you must obey me.  That includes you, Princess Tina, because queens outrank princesses."  Evidently, principalities don't exist in Dungeon of Doom.


Jim wants me to go through the hole to get the reward from Moist, but for once Tina's the reasonable companion.  CHOICE #5 has no subtlety at all.  The latter option is listed as "No way, this must be a trap".  But let's fall for it to see what happens!


It's no swimming pool, but rather a "giant bathtub" that may be used by a giant.  The water spirits aren't happy to have Moist back.  "Should have boiled her into steam.  That's the only way to get rid of unwanted royals".


Moist orders the royal guards to arrest the "traitors", but they're thoroughly republican.  "We are your royal guard, your royal snobbiness, or rather, we were.  After we tricked you into leaving, we voted to become a democracy, so you're no longer queen, and you can go stick your-".


Tina interrupts them and asks for the reward, like all RPG players who button mash through text boxes when finishing a quest.  The only gold in this place are the "taps", which require "a dozen trolls to lift even one of them".


The water spirits give us a "bath" like a "horizontal rainstorm" when the queen sneers, and Jim's about to fall.  CHOICE #6 is to either help him, or say "no, you're not brave enough".  Let's wimp out and fail this morality test!


"Sure, Zim's your friend, but not good enough a friend that you'd risk drowning.  He grabs at Tina, and she loses her balance too.  Both of them fall into the bathtub water and sink without trace.  'Tina?  Zim?'  Nothing.  They're gone.


'Two down, one to go!' yells a watery voice from the tub.  The water spirits' splashes now get three times as bad, as they're aimed at you alone.  Every time you take a step towards the hole you came through, the splashing gets worse, and you're nearly washed into the tub twice.


You look around, and spot another hole higher up the bathroom wall.  Surely the water spirits can't splash that high?  It's worth a try.  Better than staying here, anyway.  So you start climbing, as fast as you can, holding on for dear life when the splashing gets too bad.  As you climb out of range, they stop splashing and start yelling and cursing at you instead.  Ignoring them, you concentrate on the hole above you, one handhold and one step at a time.


'Good riddance, two-legs, say hello to eight-legs!' is their final insult, as you clamber into the hole.  What did that mean?  Inside the hole, eyes stare at you, then long hairy legs grab you.  Eight legs.  Just as you finally realize (far too late) that it's a giant spider, it bites your arm.  Everything turns black, and. . .


Suddenly, you're back in the real world, sitting alone at the kitchen table, with a really sore arm.  The words Game Over sparkle on your laptop screen.  Huh?


Weren't you playing a computer game with someone, maybe two someones?  Something about a giant bathtub?  No, that doesn't make sense.  Maybe you just imagined the whole thing.  Behind the table, a spider abseils down the wall, and you shiver".



This seems to be a Game Over rather than a Death, as the epilogue text doesn't say that Velzon's player is killed.  Probably just startled by a regular spider.  But Tina and Jim are still doomed.


0 Good Endings

0 Deaths

2 Game Overs

0 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings Part 2


Our final ending for tonight will involve saving Jim's character Wizard Zim in CHOICE #6 instead of chickening out at the last second.


Attempting to reach for Jim's hand results in him dragging Tina and me down with him.  We dive down, following the chain towards a giant plug.  My "finest Kargalin steel" dagger and Tina's sword pull the plug, while Jim is unconscious.  We go past "grasping tentacles" and reach a "dimly lit cavern" with giant rats.  But we lost all our weapons, Zim's potions and "Big Book of Spells", and even the sunglasses!


"Hah!  I knew they were just sunglasses', Tina says".


The wall has carvings, such as a picture of 3 people fighting giant rats.  More importantly, there's a face with a scary smile with "Say the Magic Word!" on its forehead.


"The three of you try every magic word you know.  The old classics like Open Sesame and Abracadabra and Hocus Pocus and Alakazam, then some of your favorite Ancient Elven Words of Power.  Zim tries lots of wizardly words, although to be honest, you suspect he's making some of them up.  Nothing works.


A swarm of rats bursts from the far end of the cavern.  Yeah, giant rats.  Fast runners too.  'Got it!'  Tina walks up to the carved face and says 'Please'.  The face's mouth opens wide, revealing a small brightly lit room.  Tina grins.  'Wow, Mom was right.  'Please really is the magic word.'  The three of you walk through the open mouth, and it snaps shut behind you.


'Great, now we're safe from the giant rats, unless they're very polite talking giant rats', Zim says.  'But now we're trapped again'.  Or so it seems, until you notice Level Exit carved on the back of the mouth door.  You reach out and touch it, and suddenly you're back in the real world, soaking wet, sitting around the kitchen table with Jim and Tina.


Bonus Level Completed is in big sparkly letters on your laptop screen.  'We won!' Tina says.  Jim snorts.  'Won?  I nearly drowned!  My clothes are sopping wet, and I stink.  Mom's going to yell at me.'


'Remember to say please and thank you to her', you remind him as he squelches out.  'Not funny!'  'I'm serious.  You too, Tina-your mom saved us'.


'Yeah, sort of, maybe, I suppose.  I'd better get home and out of these wet clothes.  Back here next Saturday to play Level 101?"


No reference to the "Speak Friend and Enter" door from Lord of the Rings, given how many RPGs steal from Tolkien?


The problem with this book is that sometimes the Good Endings and the Game Overs both result in the players getting booted out of the game with no real life consequences.  With the possible exception of the one where I don't help Jim, and he and Tina disappear for some arbitrary reason.  I don't know why Peter Friend didn't go for the standard "You die in the game, you die in real life" scenario to add some tension.  And you'd expect the Good Endings to give the players some reward in the real world too.


Results So Far


1 Good Endings

0 Deaths

2 Game Overs

0 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings Part 3


Let's choose not to fall for Queen Moist's tricks in CHOICE #5. 


"Obey me this instant, my minions!"  She's starting to freeze our boots by growing icicles in them.  "Impudent two-legs.  Obey me while you can still walk!"  Then she uses her powers to make the water in the boots scald us.


For once, the wizard in our party bothers to cast a spell!  I say "I thought you couldn't fight elemental magic", which is true.  But our boots weren't immune, so Jim cast Instantaneous Disintegration on them to take out Queen Moist.  Jim offers us healing potions for our feet, which is atypical for him:  "usually he won't hand out his precious potions unless someone gets an arm chopped off or worse". 


So Jim hoards consumable healing items, just like 99% of Final Fantasy players.  Whatever else you may say about the characters' behavior, at least this part feels true.


We all fall down a trapdoor when we're trying to avoid various hazards on the floor.  Jim's spells are useless here, as they are most of the time. 


"You fall into a very deep dark hole, so deep that you keep falling, and falling, and falling.  So deep that there's time for a long argument, all three of you blaming each other for not spotting the trapdoor.  So deep that Zim has time to try casting various spells, none of which help in the slightest.


You point down.  'I see the bottom.  There's something there.'


'Unless it's an enormous pile of soft cushions, I don't think it's going to help us', Tina says.


'Stop distracting me', Zim grumbles.  He waves his wand again and turns into a giant chicken, but only for a few seconds.  'Nearly had it that time!'


You look down, trying to work out what's below.  Oh.  It looks like a floor.  A hard stone floor.  The last thing you ever see is a ring of happy goblins looking up.  The last thing you ever hear is 'Here comes lunch!"


There's no epilogue text saying we were kicked out of the video game or anything, so this is our first Death.  Why does this ending kill the party for real and not the other failures?


This is especially bad writing because there's no reason to guess that taking the cautious path in CHOICE #5 would turn out this way.  I even checked the pre-CHOICE page to make sure.  It's as arbitrary as some of the routes in La Isla de los Dodos or No Me Llames Tami.  This is the same writer who created Deadline Delivery?!


Results So Far


1 Good Endings

1 Deaths

2 Game Overs

0 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings Part 4


Let's take our chances with the hot path to the right in CHOICE #4.


Jim keeps hitting his head on the low ceiling.  Tina's more prepared because she has a steel helmet, and headbutts the ceiling as a joke.


I say "The dwarves wouldn't have abandoned these tunnels without good reason.  We're playing Dungeon of Doom, not Ultra-Peaceful Happy Underground Walk of Absolutely No Danger".


We see a spider corpse covered in slumberworms, along with burned skeletons that have a "dwarven axe and a fire-blackened gold necklace".


Once we go farther, we reach a special room.  "From far above, beams of sunlight illuminate a room the size of a tennis court.  The floor's heaped with gold and silver and jewels-the biggest treasure hoard you've ever seen, and the source of the golden glow".


I say this could be a trap, but Jim's sunglasses don't detect anything, or my elven senses.  It never quite occurs to anyone exactly what mythical creature tends to build treasure hoards.  You'd think they'd take the hint that it's a dragon due to the heat and burned skeletons.


Jim's suggestion will doom us all:  "Sorry, Velzon, but. . .you know that old TV cartoon where the billionaire duck had a swimming pool full of money?  I always thought that was so cool, and this is the closest I'll ever get".


Our wizard is going to get us all killed to satisfy his DuckTales fantasy.  He already indirectly caused the first Death by removing our boots.


CHOICE #7 is to follow Tina and Jim, or run away from the dragon's trap.  Is this going to be another heavy-handed morality test?  To find out, I'll pick the more prudent option.


"No way are you following Zim and Tina down there.  If those two fools want to die over some gold, that's their problem.  You head back up the corridor.  The sound of voices stops you.  Tina, Zim, and an incredibly deep voice.  You turn and look back at the glowing doorway.  If they're having a nice chat, then whoever it is can't be dangerous, right?


More talking, and the deep voice laughs.  Not a nice laugh.  Then there's screaming, horrible screaming, that stops suddenly, which is somehow even more horrible.  A puff of warm air reaches you, smelling like a barbecue gone wrong.


Part of you wants to run away as fast as you can.  Another part wants to go back and find out what happened.  Yet another part of you has already guessed the worst.  Something passes the glowing doorway, then something else blocks it.  Huh?  Looks like. . .a huge scaly dragon butt?  That makes no sense.  The last thing you ever see is the butt farting a long jet of orange flame up the corridor, heading straight for you".



Failing to enable your suicidal friends' behavior leads to Death by flaming fart.  If Tina and Jim are defeated so easily, how could Velzon help?  And how could they not know the most basic dragon cliches?  For players obsessed with a European fantasy-themed game, they sure don't know much. 


The only decent version of these "morality test" CHOICEs was the one in La Prisión where staying behind to help Félix when he was dying caused Death.  At least that one relied on realistic logic.




Results So Far


1 Good Endings

2 Deaths

2 Game Overs

0 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings Part 5


Our last ending for tonight will involve taking on the dragon with Tina and Jim in CHOICE #7.  When you look at the list of CHOICEs included according to YSWW custom, Dungeon of Doom is very short.  Rather like Creepy House than a slog like Dragons Realm.


Jim's not swimming around in the money like Scrooge McDuck.  Instead, he's making "money angels".  Tina's throwing diamonds at Jim.  But a dragon rises from below and says "So nice to see visitors enjoying themselves.  I so rarely get visitors, and when I do, they usually run away when they see me".  It doesn't breathe fire, so we flatter it with comments like "It's a great honor to meet you, your magnificence".


"Such lovely manners.  You're very kind, little wizard, but I'm not royalty.  I do have eighty-seven crowns, though.  Would you like one each as souvenirs?"  This makes me suspicious, and I recall something I "read online".


The dragon gives Quoznar the Undying's crown to Tina, and the dragon turns around, allegedly to look for crowns for Jim and me.


But I tell Jim it's a Reverse Dragon, and Jim had better cast the Bright Shadow spell from Level 87 if we're to stand a chance.  "He frowns and shrugs, then recites several lines of ancient Cobolese while waving his wand in weird spirals.  Suddenly another Velzon, Zim, and Tina stand next to you, or at least three fairly good imitations".  The Reverse Dragon farts on the fakes instead of us, and we rush to a small corridor. 


Tina loses her new crown, and Jim's wizard hat burns up.


"Level Exit is carved on a stone ceiling slab.  He pulls out his wand and casts a Jackrabbit Jump spell.  You all leap up and through the exit, just in time to avoid another jet of orange flame.  Suddenly, you're back in the real word, sitting around the kitchen table with Jim and Tina, staring at Bonus Level Completed in big sparkly letters on your laptop screen.


'Did we win?' asks Tim [sic].


'We survived', you say. 


'My wizard hat was ruined', he grumbles.  'I lost my steel helmet', Tina mutters.  'And that cool crown'.  'We survived', you repeat.  She shrugs.  'Anyone for Level 101?"


Another Good Ending where nothing important has changed from the beginning.  Do our heroes question the nature of their universe now that they know cursed video games exist?  Do they at least say they're reminded of Jumanji?  Do they get any special rewards for this Secret Bonus Level?  No!  Of course not!  They just go ahead and play the next level!



Results So Far


2 Good Endings

2 Deaths

2 Game Overs

0 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings Part 6


Now that I've mapped out the "dark room dwarven elevator" paths, it's time to return to CHOICE #2 and go the other way.


We reach a gate without one of its hinges, and with bent iron bars.  We manage to slip through and then reach a hallway with a "Do Not Feed the Animals" sign.  Orzkedryle the giant head is trying to smash through battering ram style.  We see two oak doors with barred windows.  It's time to play Let's Make a Deal!  In case you didn't get sick of that CHOICE style in La Isla de los Dodos, it returns here as CHOICE #8.


Behind Door #1:  "clucking like a deep-voiced chicken with a head cold, but is almost certainly far nastier".


Behind Door #2:  "a row of unblinking black eyes, silently watching, waiting".


Evidently I read the monster manual this time, unlike the incident with Orzkedryle that resulted in my CANONICAL ENDING Game Over.  Door #1's monster is a Zenobian Snapper, which has 7 legs with venomous talons.  Door #2 has a Nammering, a monster with 4 mouths that can easily decapitate us, but is only dangerous at close range.


Jim the wizard offers us a 3rd option:  open both doors, cast the Invisibility spell, and let the two fight it out.  Why didn't we try Invisibility earlier?  Does this game have limited magic charges like Final Fantasy 1?  Spell ingredients like Ultima?  Oh well!


But let's not listen to Jim.  I'll take my chances with the Zenobian Snapper.


"You turn to the left door.  'Zim, what magic do you have to help against a Zenobian Snapper?'


He pulls a tiny glass flask from a pocket inside his robe.  'Negastic Sleeping Powder.  Won't actually put a Snapper to sleep, but should slow it down.  Then I can throw a few imploding fireballs'.


Tina draws her sword.  'And I can smite it lots.  That'll help too".


'Well, yeah, I should hope so', you say, trying not to sound sarcastic.  'I'll, um, shoot it with an arrow".


'Ooh, scary', Tina says, sounding extremely sarcastic.  But you can tell she's just as scared as you are.  So's Zim.  His hands shaking, he throws the flask through the door's window.  It smashes on the floor inside.  The weird clucking slows and stops.  So far, so good.  Behind you, the giant head rams the gate yet again, and another hinge squeals and breaks.  There's no time to lose.


Together, you lift the ironwood beam barring the door.  Zim summons two silvery fireballs.  You open the door, hoping to find a Zenobian Snapper yawning on the floor.  But the floor's empty, other than Zim's broken flask and a scattering of glittery powder.


Suddenly, a very awake Snapper drops from the ceiling, clucking happily.  Before you have time to even scream, long talons lash out and stab you.  The last thing you ever see is the inside of its jaws".


How many times have we seen some variation of "the last thing you ever see" in a CYOA Death in this thread?  Including the Spanish books?  That could be part of an official drinking game.  I'm sure RefSteel is already thinking of one.


I wonder what Dungeon of Doom event flag activates the "kill players in real life" feature, as opposed to the "boot players out of cursed virtual reality with mild embarrassment" one.



Results So Far


2 Good Endings

3 Deaths

2 Game Overs

0 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings