Gamebooks (Choose Your Own Adventure Style)

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Back to Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings Part 5


The "follow Princess Valeria" path starting on CHOICE #2 is the beginning of the "short route", a tradition in You Say Which Way.  Another example of one major branch being smaller than the other is the "smugglers in the present day" timeline of Dinosaur Canyon.


So let's look for clues and let Valeria go.  I ask Zim if he has a vacuum cleaner spell, and he ends up conjuring a "dust dwarf" with the following spell:  "Az kam, dolf neek lo, ka reem.  Wolka pern, sheck sheck, sladderus".  He's probably trying to imitate the Baldur's Gate spell chants, but Tina thinks the spell involves a basketball player.


"The red dust swirls like water draining from a sink, then rises and transforms into. . .a naked dwarf with a ginger beard that reaches his toes".  The dwarf sticks out "a tongue even longer than his beard" and starts licking everything in the room.


"Naked dwarf butt-even grosser!' Tina says, shielding her eyes from the horror".  Be glad the beard prevented you from seeing a "full frontal" dust dwarf!


Tina finds a letter from Crown Prince Kombucha of Nigerai asking for a 1000 gold coin loan with the promise of 10,000,000 gold coins.  Since these coins are from another world, they wouldn't have any apparent value to a numismatist.  Kombucha would get $1,300,000 if each gold coin is 1 ounce.  He wins no matter what ending occurs.


My character figures out that the Emerald Sage has been using a magical computer, which is proven when the dust dwarf cleans up the room some more.  "Behind the keyboard is a cracked mirror with 404 Page Not Found written on it-isn't that an internet error message?"  There's also a suit of armor with a dog skeleton inside.  Tina "snorts" and insists "it's a perfectly normal suit of dog armor holding a perfectly normal dog skeleton".  The narration questions what her idea of "perfectly normal" is, not understanding the obvious sarcasm in the previous paragraph.



"Summon Dust Dwarf" must last at least as long as Animate Dead, since there's no hint that he'll disappear.  The dust dwarf is already licking Valeria's room.  I'd love to see her reaction to that if Norman being in her throne room makes her livid.  CHOICE #6 is whether to press the red button on the dog armor, or investigate some "leather-bound" books.  If Back to Dungeon of Doom weren't a children's book, the books would probably be bound in human skin.


What kind of CYOA player would I be if I didn't press a button to activate an obvious trap?  "Unhand me, Elf!  Identify yourself immediately.  What is your business with the princess".  One weird convention of fantasy stories, even recent ones, is that characters can get away with saying "Unhand me, Elf!" without comment.  Imagine an equivalent line about a real life ethnic minority. . .oh wait, the prince from Challenge of the Five Realms says "Hold your tongue, Eskimo", so I don't even have to make up a hypothetical scenario!  


Jasmine the dog believes we're Norman's minions at first, and questions why there's a "nude dwarf" licking Valeria's bedroom, but we introduce ourselves.  Tina asks why a dog is a royal bodyguard.  Peter Friend had obviously played or watched King's Quest 6 before writing Back to Dungeon of Doom.  The in-story answer is that Norman had turned Jasmine into a dog.  "When I politely but firmly told him to stop being so silly, he called me a yappy old guard dog and said he wished he could switch my mouth off".  Jasmine was 73 when Valeria's sleeping curse began, so she's now 123 and undead.


Jasmine was never impressed with Norman's attempts to woo Valeria, and now she finally has the chance to seek vengeance.  "If he'd left me alone, I'd have died of old age long ago and he'd be rid of me forever.  Instead, he's foolishly put me in this nice new dog skeleton body, with armor and very sharp teeth".  


CHOICE #7 is whether to follow Jasmine to Valeria, or open the "round door" that Jasmine thinks the Emerald Sage was behind "weeks ago", which is unlikely since that happened before she was cursed 50 years ago.


While pursuing Jasmine, we "run past an archway filled by a huge stone head, which mumbles something you don't have time to listen to right now".  A reference to Boma and Bamo that's unusually subtle by this book's standards.  Another "follow Princess Valeria" branch reference is directly pointed out to the reader in the form of a zerox that Jasmine had killed. 


We catch up to Valeria and Jasmine.  Valeria demands a cup of tea and a slice of cake, but Jasmine sternly insists she's a bodyguard, "not your butler".  Valeria is disappointed that we're here and no longer apes.  "She stamps her foot.  'When a princess turns you into something, you should have the good manners to turn into the correct something and stay that way!"


Princess Valeria is more proficient with "Ancient Fringolese" spells than English pun magic and successfully turns us into mice wearing costumes shrunk-to-fit.  Jasmine objects and says that we all want to defeat Norman, but Valeria presses the red button and turns Jasmine off again. 


CHOICE #8 is to "Give Up, and Accept Your Doom" or "give chase" and look for the Emerald Sage.  The first option is more similar to La Isla de los Dodos's "Do you want to drown?" than a You Say Which Way.


"Yeah, I don't see any way out of this', you squeak.  'Does anyone have any cheese?' Zim asks.  'Suddenly I've got a massive craving for cheese'.  'Does this look like a cheese shop?' Tina squeaks.  'Of course we don't have any cheese'.  Zim sighs.  'We'll starve to death'.


He's wrong.  That squeaking has attracted a cat.  Well, it mostly looks like a cat, except for the bat wings and spiky tail.  Whatever it is, it catches and swallows Zim whole, then bites Tina's head off.  The last thing you ever see is it pouncing on you, jaws wide".


When I notice "the last thing you see/hear is. . ." in a CYOA, I think of Charlie Foxtrot and the Galaxy of Tomorrow's "So that's what [cause of death] feels like!"  It's almost as lazy as Young Adult protagonists forgetting that they've held their breath.  Maybe I've chronicled too much interactive fiction for an obscure Internet forum.



Results So Far


2 Good Endings

2 Deaths

1 Bad Non-Death Ending

1 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Back to Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings Part 6


"Giving chase" in CHOICE #8 gives us the idea to climb onto Jasmine and press the red button to reactivate her to fend off the flying cat.  "Yeah, she doesn't bark like a dog, she actually says, 'Bark'.  Totally weird".


Jasmine apologizes to us and says Princess Valeria has been bad her whole life, "even when I was potty training her".  We ride on Jasmine's head with the help of my "Elven rope".  Did humans never think to carry rope in the Dungeon of Doom world or something?


Jasmine thinks Valeria is in the kitchen looking for cake, and will only find 50-year-old crumbs.  Well, 200-year-old food is good enough for Fallout characters!  As for Norman, intuition tells Jasmine that he's in the throne room since he always wanted to be king.  I ask how we're going to battle the Emerald Sage if we're still mice.  Zim tests a "pea-sized" fireball, then makes a "shimmering globe around his mousy hand" with Enigmatic Reflection.  My mental image of that is a mouse with Minor Globe of Invulnerability active.


"If we can get within inches of Sage Norman, I can stab him in the toe, maybe.  Then you could shoot a tiny fireball up his nose, Zim, and then maybe he'll sneeze himself to death".  That's Tina's sarcastic plan.


We see three skeletons with rags and a rusted sword, which prompts Tina to think that they might be alternate universe versions of ourselves who died as humans.  She's too excited about that.


The Emerald Sage is watching a video of "cartoon hippos dancing in ballet tutus".  Maybe the way to defeat him is to permanently distract him with YouTube.  Jasmine plans on biting Zim's throat in a sneak attack, and CHOICE #9 is whether to ride with her or to get down.


Norman and Jasmine taunt each other, and Jasmine thinks she can win because she's undead.  Norman casts an Obliterate Magic spell which turns Jasmine back into a human skeleton and destroys her permanently.  Zim's Enigmatic Reflection turns us back into our avatars.  "So, you've obliterated your own magic and you're not a wizard anymore".  Norman's "trans-dimensional magic" trapped us in Dungeon of Doom land, and now all of us including the cosplayers are back on Earth.


"We won!' Tina says.  Her phone rings.  'Gretchen, you're okay?  Cameron and Diego too?  Great, tell them 'hi', sorry we never got to meet them properly.  Oh, you're welcome-I couldn't just let that creepy old Sage guy kidnap you'.  Jim looks at you.  'So, is that it?'


'Sure, we won', you say.  'Sorry that you lost all your Zim magic'.  He shrugs.  'Doesn't worry me.  I'm never going to play Dungeon of Doom again.  In fact, I'm going to delete it off my laptop right now'.  Good idea.  But when you try, you can't.  'It's already gone', you say.  'Mine too' Jim frowns.  'And mine'.  Tina types something. 


'It's gone from the internet too.  As though the game never existed.  That's good, right?'  'Yeah, but. . .what did he mean by 'I'll be back?'  Jim asks".


Oh no, is there going to be a Dungeon of Doom 3 in 2021?  As long as there's a mirror site hosting a previous version of Dungeon of Doom, the Emerald Sage could return. . .


Results So Far


3 Good Endings

2 Deaths

1 Bad Non-Death Ending

1 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Back to Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings Part 7


Jumping down from Jasmine leads to the other CHOICE #9 ending.  We see Gretchen, Cameron, and Diego in the cage.  Unlike one of the other timelines, they were too afraid of the Emerald Sage to escape.  Norman kills Jasmine with an Obliterate Magic spell as before.  My mouse squeaks draw his attention, and we're turned back into our avatars. 


The Emerald Sage gloats about his evil plans.  To Norman, Earth is "connected to this world by a trans-dimensional pathway called the internet".  Don't know what that means for the Dungeon of Doom game.  It must be online only even though you can buy it physically.  Norman changes the name of MegaGamerz to Emerald Games "just for fun".  He makes New York City into Emeraldia and assumes the title "mayor for life". 


"On-screen, dozens of news websites report this, not one of them questioning it.  People will believe anything on the internet".  Well, that should be revised to "people will believe anything on the Internet that fits their existing political biases".  Don't know of any real conspiracy theories that say a wizard from a video game rules the world.  Maybe Norman's using Macedonian propaganda sites. 


Norman is in love with Valeria, not merely using her for political power.  "I did this all for her.  A princess deserves only the best, so I had to become the best wizard in the world.  Soon I shall be the Emerald Emperor, Beloved Leader of Two Worlds, and worthy of her hand in marriage".  He'll have to send villagers to defeat Gandohar first.



The Emerald Sage makes us float in midair and repeat Princess Valeria's "I'm going to sort out Norman once and for all" statement in her voice with a truth spell.  Valeria and Norman's relationship reminds Cameron of their older brother's girlfriend.  "Always yelling at each other".


(Back to Dungeon of Doom is much more careful about following the YSWW gender neutral policy than Secret Project.  Velzon's cosplayer Cameron has a unisex name.)


Tina sends us back to Earth by fumbling with the computer mouse, which bites her and gives the "Incorrect wizard.  Disconnecting excess dimensions" message.


"Suddenly the three of you are back in the real world, sitting at the kitchen table.  Your laptop shows the Game Over screen for Dungeon of Doom.  Huh?  Why would you have played that horrible game?  All you can remember are lots of plants and having a long tail.  No, that doesn't make sense.


'Why's my thumb bleeding?' Tina asks.  'And I have a weird headache, like, like. . .'  'Like tiny fingers are crawling over your brain?' you ask.  'Yeah, me too'.  Jim nods.  'Me too.  Did we fall asleep or something?  Do we have any cheese?  Why do I crave cheese?  I'm lactose-intolerant!'


Tina's phone rings.  'Hi, Gretch.  Snap-I was just thinking about you too.  What cosplay contest at the Emerald Games store?'  Emerald Games?  That rings a bell.  Something to do with them changing their name from MegaGamerz?  You check your internet app, but all the trending news stories are about New York city mysteriously changing its name to Emeraldia and no one knows the new mayor".


"Congratulations, this part of your story is over".  Why is the epilogue text congratulating me?  The Emerald Sage is starting to take over Earth!  Guess I'll have to rule this as a Bad Non-Death Ending considering what happened in the "Don't replay Dungeon of Doom" conclusion.


Results So Far


3 Good Endings

2 Deaths

2 Bad Non-Death Ending

1 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Back to Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings Part 8


The last ending for tonight involves going through the round door in CHOICE #7.  I should finish the book tomorrow.


Zim detects nothing behind it.  As in a vacuum, not an empty room:  "No, I mean there's no air, no stone, absolutely nothing".  Zim believes it must be a Cryptic Obscuration spell, an incantation advanced enough that he thinks it must be guarding something worthwhile.  The door itself is an illusion, which causes Zim to suspect a Bright Shadow spell as well.


Tina notices a resemblence to a tent with "ugly pink fabric on the walls, floor, and ceiling, no hobbits".  Zim had pointed out earlier that the fake door resembled a hobbit house from Lord of the Rings.  If there were hobbits, Tina would have played Banana Boombox Biker willingly.


My character Velzon notices the room is a "bouncy castle".  Tina think  her dagger can cut through the walls and help us escape.  It doesn't work out.


"She slices a few inches down the wall's fabric.  Some air escapes with a hiss, but nothing else happens.  She peers through the cut, and groans.  'Surprise, surprise, another room lined with pink bouncy fabric.  I hope this isn't a maze.  I hate mazes'.


With a ripping sound, the cut grows downwards, then across the floor.  You all try your best to hold on, but the fabric's slippery, and you fall into another identical pink bouncy room below.  'Dung balls!  Now what?' Tina asks, looking up at the cut in what's now the ceiling.  'Anyone got a ladder?'  The cut grows again, right down a wall and across the floor, dumping you down into another identical room, where the same thing happens all over again.


And again.  And again, a dozen more times.  And then. . .you're floating in mid-air.


On the far wall appears the projected face of the Emerald Sage.  He raises his eyebrows and smiles.  'Oh dear, what's fallen into my bouncy trap?  An elf, a warrior, and a. . .very minor wizard.  What a coincidence-an elf, warrior, and wizard just escaped from a cage here in my throne room'.


Huh?  Does he mean Gretchen, Cameron, and Diego?  Does he think you're them?  'I'm busy conquering your world right now, so I'll leave you there where you can't cause any more trouble', he continues.  'I'll be back to check on you in a year or so.  If I remember'.  His face flickers out, and you fall again.  And again.  And again.  Forever".



Norman's last line implies that the falling trap is meant to torture Tina, Velzon, and Zim forever rather than kill them, so I'll call it a Bad Non-Death Ending.


Results So Far


3 Good Endings

2 Deaths

3 Bad Non-Death Ending

1 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Back to Dungeon of Doom Alternate Endings Part 8


The only decision left is to look at the leather-bound books in CHOICE #6.  Zim's more concerned that the dog armor will sing rather than attack if someone presses the red button.  "My uncle was given a plastic singing fish last year-it sang Happy Birthday non-stop for twenty minutes until my auntie smashed it.  Hilarious".


While Tina and Zim are arguing about whether Jasmine will sing, I find out the books are from Earth.  They have titles like Beginner's Guide to Websites and The Wonderful World of Email.  Norman must not have realized that stage magic doesn't give you real power, since one book is Professional Magic Revealed "with diagrams explaining tricks like pulling rabbits out of hats and sawing people in half".  Other books have misleading magical titles too, like Enchanting Quilt Designs.


There is one line in the narration that speculates that Norman was "pleased" to find that Earth has no native magic, with the implication that nobody could challenge his Dungeon of Doom spells.


Tina and Zim calm two leopard-sized flying cats with "bat wings and a spiky tail" by rubbing their chins and rubbing their stomachs.  Cats like Zim, but he doesn't care for them.  Tina has a pet cat, so she understands their behavior.


Zim notices a symbol that belongs to "Glagkhor, the ancient Wato god of hortimancy" on a door behind one of the cats.  But he has second thoughts, and think the sign is actually the "ancient Wato symbol for vegetables".  A frightened dust dwarf runs past us into a hole.  I point out that the "giant rolling head" from the original Dungeon of Doom has returned!  CHOICE #10 is to either follow the dust dwarf into the hole, or dash to an archway to escape.  Tina says "that dwarf knows even less about this dungeon than we do" and "cats always know how to look after themselves".


The fate of the dust dwarf:  "The giant head's long purple tongue reaches in, grabs the dust dwarf's tongue, and pulls him out through the hole before you can react.  His squealing stops, and all you can hear is the giant head chewing and slurping".


I warn Tina not to slice off the tongue since it turned into snakes in the original Dungeon of Doom.  But none of our tactics work in the end.


"You shoot the tongue with two arrows, but the head doesn't react.  It rolls back again, presumably getting ready for another charge.  Zim frantically flicks through his spell book.  'I could try a Transcranial Implosion spell.  It needs a griffon feather and a spotted zebra's tail bone, and by luck I have both in my satchel of ingredients'.  He frowns.  'The feather cost me ninety gold coins-I was saving it for a special occasion'.


'Isn't avoiding death special enough for you?' Tina asks, as the head accelerates towards you again.  While Zim's chanting and waggling an old bone and a bent feather, the head smashes into the hole again.  This time, half of the wall collapses, and the head's tongue grabs Zim around the neck and drags him into the mouth.  Tina slashes at it again with her sword but gets too close, and the tongue snatches her too.


The head butts its way through the wrecked wall, sees you and smiles, showing far too many teeth.  The last thing you ever see is its purple tongue whipping towards you".


Zim is a true RPG player if he hoards rare consumable items even in life-or-death situations.  I planned on writing a joke about Dungeon of Doom being a roguelike, but permadeath doesn't exist even on Earth.  The characters often reference deaths from the first book, resulting in one of the strangest CYOA experiences I've had in spite of the generic fantasy RPG setting.


Transcranial Implosion seems to be the only wizard spell that needs ingredients like in the Ethshar books.


 
Results So Far


3 Good Endings

3 Deaths

3 Bad Non-Death Ending

1 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

You Say Which Way:  Back to Dungeon of Doom Finale


The last ending occurs in the book when you follow Tina's advice and go to the archway with the cats in CHOICE #10.  Zim's levitation spell only works on the caster, so I have to improvise with my "Elven rope".  The giant head eats Tina's sword, as if Dungeon of Doom didn't already have it in for Fighters.  We rise far above the castle, and the flying cats are generous enough to take us to the top of the throne room tower in spite of Tina's insistence that "Cats never help.  They're too selfish".


My arrows fall out when my quiver tips over as we're descending the branches and vines into the overgrown throne room.  Zim's wand grows "leaves and flower buds, then starts to curl around his hand".  He knows it's one of Norman's traps, so he has to cast aside the wand.


Gretchen, Diego, and Cameron have escaped the cage in this continuity, and Norman still thinks we were captured instead of the cosplayers.  Tina tells Norman "This world is just a stupid computer game", but Norman replies "Your Earth is just an amusing game world on the internet, and I've worked out how to control it".  Will the plot turn into the Matrix, or perhaps Star Ocean Till the End of Time?


Norman changes MegaGamerz's name to Emerald Games as before, but is distracted by a Crown Prince Kombucha email before he can make New York into Emeraldia.  "He's not a real prince, and he's not from Nigeria', you shout.  'He's made-up, just like you are.  You're being scammed".  How does Velzon know that the "prince" isn't from Nigeria?  Maybe they assume he's from neighboring Benin?


Before Norman can complete his plan, a flying cat eats his mouse and attacks him.


"Begone, filthy beast!'  The Sage raises his wand, probably to cast a really nasty spell.  The cat thing smashes the Sage's head with its spiky tail, and he collapses to the floor.  The cat thing finally snaps the mouse tail and flies back up into the trees.  The mirror screen goes dark, and the computer starts beeping.


'Is the Sage dead?' Zim asks.  'I think so.  I hope so.  Let's get out of here', Tina says.  'Can you pick the door's lock, Velzon?'  You try.  The lock's old and rusty, and should be easy to pick, but somehow your hands can't quite grip the door.  Then you realize you can see through the cage bars.  'Everything's fading!'  'Is that good or bad?'  Tina asks'.


Before you can decide, the whole tower fades away and you're back in the real world, sitting around the kitchen table with your laptops.  Huh?  What happened?  'Did we win?' Tina asks.  'Weren't we playing Dungeon of Doom?'  'Dungeon what?' Jim asks.


It does sound familiar somehow.  Is it a game?  You go to your internet app and search for Dungeon of Doom.  Nope, no matches found.  Tina's phone rings.  'Hey, Gretchen, how's it going?  What?  Why are you at Emerald Games in a warrior princess costume?  What do you mean, you don't remember why?  Stay there, I'll come get you'.  She hangs up.  'Sorry guys, got to go.  See you next Saturday'.


'What were we playing?' you ask Jim.  'All I can remember is. . .something about a flying cat?'  He shrugs.  'If we've forgotten, it must have been a terrible game.  Want to play Banana Boombox Biker?"


Norman is dead, and the only change he made to Earth was renaming a video game store.  It's weird that sometimes the characters remember the Dungeon of Doom events, and sometimes they don't.  Perhaps the game is deleted permanently in more than one ending.


Well, if readers liked the first Dungeon of Doom, they won't be disappointed in the sequel.  It's more of the same, except with more focus on the Princess Valeria subplot.  The fact that Deaths from the 1st book are "canonical" in the sequel make it stand out from other CYOAs.


You Say Which Ways are briefer than some other books and series, but Back to Dungeon of Doom is short even by YSWW standards.  (Probably a good thing in this case.) Its table of contents only takes up 1 Kindle page!  There are 10 endings here, compared to 17 in Secret Project, for example.  


Final Results


4 Good Endings

3 Deaths

3 Bad Non-Death Ending

1 Neutral Endings

0 Inconclusive Endings

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

Don't get excited:  this post isn't the beginning of another CYOA.  But it may be of interest to about 2 people.


Yesterday I learned that Secret Project is a remake of the 2017 novel Teleport, also by Kevin Berry.  Based on the free Kindle sample of Teleport, here are the similarities and differences:


-Both books have Patrons ruling the world and a Blacksmith rebel leader in London.

-The plot involves a scientist working for a Patron inventing a teleporter, and a "Puzzler" type assistant.

-Teleport is set in 2065 instead of 2085.

-The scientist's daughter in Teleport is a human instead of an android.

-Patrons are called "Lord" and "Lady" in Teleport, but don't seem to be official nobles in Secret Project.

-Patron turnover isn't quite as high in Teleport, since the scientist has been working for Lord Zachary for 18 years.  But assassination is both common and a legal method of succession in Teleport.

-Characters swear in Teleport, unlike in the children's CYOA Secret Project.

-Thomas Kitrell is the Puzzler equivalent in Teleport, which is probably why the Puzzler is called "he" in Secret Project.  Unlike the Puzzler, Thomas Kitrell is in the hospital because of a "brain upload".

-Social classes called Creatives, Supported, and Underclass exist in Teleport.

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

Fairytale Factory must be out to get me.  Peter Friend released Revenge of Dungeon of Doom when I wasn't looking.  The Emerald Sage painted the dungeon bricks red on the cover, so this time you know he means business.  Does anyone in the Peanut Gallery want me to review the misadventures of Velzon, Tina Warrior Princess, and Wizard Zim?  Or should we invade New Zealand in hopes of getting a Deadline Delivery sequel instead?  (Or I could just ignore it altogether if nobody cares.)

[sunrise089]

The Emerald Sage painted the dungeon bricks red on the cover, so this time you know he means business. 

[Herman Gigglethorpe]

Just for that, I'll review Revenge of Dungeon of Doom.  Torturing myself for your entertainment is only $1 on the Kindle store!  It'll probably be Sunday or so before the game begins.  Tomorrow I'll go to a used bookstore to look for some actual literature and some CYOAs on the off chance they have them.


You'd think the Emerald Sage would paint the bricks green, but once you're on the third round of a tired You Say Which Way subseries, anything goes.  One collection of the books refers to a "trilogy", so maybe New Zealand will have to come up with new ideas afterwards.