Sheis Barbarian was born in a normal Barbarian village. Sheis was raised just like any other Barbarian, but Sheis was different. Sheis, in truth, was a Female Barbarian. The elders in Sheis' village knew not of FBARs and still less about how to raise them¹. Barbarians, the equal opportunity crusaders that they are, decided that Sheis would have every advantage (disadvantage?) that all Barbarians are given.

And so it was that Sheis was raised never knowing that Sheis was any different from other Barbarian². However, Sheis did notice that Sheis was weaker than the other Barbarians. Sheis could not lift the heavy plate mails, heavy shields, and many types of weaponry that the other Barbarians could wield. Still, Sheis excelled in areas that the other BARs did not, such as blocking, archery, and detecting traps.

Later in life, Sheis noticed other Barbarians staring at Sheis. Sheis disliked people starting at Sheis. It's rude, but fear not, Sheis had a solution. Sheis would walk over to them and teach them a little about "trap disarming." Needless to say, those Barbarians never looked at Sheis in such a manner ever again. Other than that, Sheis was pleased with her life, at least for the most part. Sheis wanted for only one thing... Battle!

Soon word came to Sheis' village about a town where evil juju was in the very earth under the town. Sheis set out at once on a quest to destroy the juju at that town, Tristram.

Sheis' arrival in Tristram was an ordinary one. The townspeople paid little heed to her. It was as if heroes traipsed through their backwater town every day. It was only after Griswold the blacksmith offered juju equipment to Sheis that Sheis' true differences were visible. Griswold was astounded by a female's lack of interest in "evil juju trinkets." Of all the womanly heroes that Griswold had ever seen, none could resist his wares, much less call them evil. Sheis, as unimpressed by Griswold's awe as by his wares, proceeded to purchase a dagger and some light cloth armor. Sheis left the smithy and walked off.

A small, puny man by the name of Ogden apporached Sheis before Sheis reached the outskirts of town. He tried speaking to her, but Sheis was mostly uninterested in his ramblings. After taking note of some sort of evil in the church, Sheis shooed the man away and walked off toward the forgotten cathedral.

¹: This sentence may bring questions to the reader's mind about how Barbarians multiply if they "know not of FBARs." The truth is that not even Barbarians know where baby Barbarians come from.
²: On at least one occasion Sheis was asked if Sheis was a Warrior or a Rogue. Of course, Sheis thought of Sheis as a Fighter, a Warrior... a Barbarian. Thus, any reply that people were given were truthful, from Sheis' point of view.

Time has passed since Sheis' original descent into the labyrinth of Tristram. Sheis' power has grown to the level of 30. Now able to handle the full power of monsters¹, Sheis decides that it is time to make them face the wrath of Sheis Barbarian.

Sheis stocks up on red life juice and heads towards the cathedral. Before Sheis can get there, Ogden stops the Barbarian. The puny man looks up at Sheis. He seems intimidated, almost afraid to speak to Sheis. He quickly gets out his words. Ogden speaks of a fallen king, Leoric. He tells Sheis that no normal Barbarian has ever been able to take down this the King, who is now undead. Sheis tells the man that Sheis must try. No evil undead juju king shall ever prevail over Barbarians!

The trip to King Leoric is slow. The beasties, while physically lacking in much health, are strong attackers. Sheis, though able to block nearly everything that is thrown at her, has slow block speed which makes groups of creatures the big trouble.

A path is now clear to level 3. Only the Butcher bars Sheis' warpath. The battle with this fiend is a difficult one. Sheis cannot stun the beast. Luckily, the Butcher is a creature of little intelligence and is easily fooled. Sheis, a master of traps, entraps him in a stairwell and fills his belly with arrows. With the stairwell cleared, Sheis charges down the steps.

Arriving on the third level of the cathedral, Sheis arms self with a morning star that was found. Sheis mutters a protection request to Crom & the Chalupa Deities to save her from vile urine-soaked plague zombies. Sheis then walks slowly towards a small area to the southeast. Many skeletons sight Sheis. They throw back their heads and cackle at the Barbarian. Sheis knows that this must be the army of Leoric the Skeleton King. Sheis retreats in an attempt to smash skeletons one-on-one rather than one-vs-army.

This tactic works well. Sheis uses it again by coming within the eyeshot of more skeletons. These skeletons are similarly dispatched. Sheis continues this manner of skullbashing until the only fiend that remains to be fought is their undead master, Leoric.

Leoric sights Sheis. Sheis sights Leoric. The empty eyesockets of the skeleton stare eerily at Sheis. His jaw moves into a grotesque position that might be a grin. Sheis angered. Sheis hates it when people stare at her. King or no, this foolish fiend has made a fatal error.

Sheis charges Leoric, yet he remains standing with an expression similar to that which a Barbarian trying to do a math problem would have. Sheis brings the morning star to bear on his kneecap. Leoric shrugs off the blow and goes on the offensive. He inhales loudly, as if he is attempting to suck the very life out of the air around him. He exhales and brings his gigantic two-handed sword to bear on Sheis. Sheishivers from his eerie breathing and blocks his massive sword. Sheis trades his blow back to him and includes one of Sheis' own. They continue to trade blows until finally the skeleton buckles from the onslaught.

Leoric recoils from the hit and his skull lowers, his scalp at Sheis' height. Sheispins around and thrusts Sheis' morning star at the skull. The blow shatters the empty skull and bone shards litter the dungeon walls and floor.

¹: Hell Difficulty

Sheis returns to town. There is much commotion about the feat just accomplished. Everyone greets Sheis as Sheis reenters town. They're in awe. But Ogden above all is the most impressed. The man hangs around Sheis for the rest of the victory party. He stares at Sheis. Sheis doesn't seem to mind.

Some time passes. A bond becomes apparent between Ogden and Sheis. Also, Sheis comes into possession of some golden bands. Sheis sets some black gemstones in the bands. Sheis calls each of the rings a Ring of Engagement. Sheis deposits one of them on Ogden's doorstep along with a folded note.

Ogden's reaction to this was quite interesting. He did like the offer, but he was confused as to why the female referred to him as the wife. Ogden suggested that they dine together one night. It was at this feast that he accepted Sheis' proposal. During the same dinner Ogden brought up the subject of the note.

Nervously (as usual) Ogden attempts to speak, "I-I love your name, Sheis."

"Sheis like it too, but name is name. It no big deal. Sheis happy that you going be wife," replies Sheis while swallowing of a large fistful of meat.

Ogden smiles at this. "Yes, name is name... but, tell me, wh-wh-why did your letter refer to me as the wife?"

"You is wife. Sheis husband. Husband gets wife. If you not wife then you get wife, but you is wife so you not get wife," replied Sheis, finishing off a plate of food.

"Uh... but typically the male is the husband, right?" asked Ogden, wondering if his definition of husband and wife were off.

Sheis looks up from Sheis' next plate of food with a suprised look. With a full mouth Sheis asks, "Mail? That silly. Armor not get married."

Ogden sits confused for a minute. He finally understands the misunderstanding, but now many questions come to mind. He leans back and thinks, but Sheis senses the inactivity and looks up.

"Is you dead?" asks Sheis¹.

Ogden shakes his head in an attempt to bring himself back to the present, "Huh? Oh I'm not-"

"Ok, good. You no dead," Sheis interrupts, then returns to eating.

Ogden begins eating again. He decides that the matter can be discussed after the meal.

The meal ends and as Sheis gets up to leave, Ogden stops Sheis and they both sit down again.

"What you need?" asks Sheis, a bit suprised.

"Well, it's just that I don't think you understand some things. You see, there are two genders: male and female. I am a male and you are a female. Understand?" speaks Ogden.

"You not armor. You being silly," replies Sheis.

Ogden groans, "No, you don't understand. You're a woman and I'm a man."

"Sheis man 'cause Sheis fights. You not fight. How can you be man?" speaks Sheis.

Ogden decides to try a different angle, "Oh. So where you come from, men are fighters. What do you call those that don't fight?"

"Everyone fights. This place weird 'cause everyone not fight or at least train to fight."

Ogden doesn't quite understand Sheis' logic yet, but what he heard was enough to clear things up a bit. He smiles. Sheis smiles back, and then gets up and walks away. Ogden decides to drop the wife topic. It's not important.

¹: Sheis responding to him without food in Sheis mouth is important to note. It is difficult to stop a Barbarian from eating. The fact that Sheis spoke with no food in her mouth is quite important as it shows that she cares for Ogden. Granted, Sheis returned to eating without waiting for him to fully respond, but that's just the way Barbarians are².
²: Ok so I made that up, but it applies to Sheis' tribe at any rate.

Ogden and Sheis have planned their wedding. They decided to hold the wedding in town. Unfortunately, they totally forgot about the wedding guests. No matter. They shall be dealt with later for 'tis time to focus on the wedding itself.

Sheis and Ogden went to Cain one spring evening and told him that they required marriage. Cain said that he would be happy to marry them since he is a justice of the pixipeace.

And so it was that Cain, justice of the pixipeace, married Ogden and Sheis. It was at this time that Sheis gave the other Engagement Ring to Ogden. Ogden accepted it and gave Sheis the ring that Sheis had given to him. Such trinkets are useless in battle and only get in the way, but Sheis will carry it everywhere.

The next day the couple remembered about the wedding guests. Sheis figured that the guests should be informed of what they missed. At Ogden's urging Sheis went to the guest gathering area (Hell).

Upon reaching the third room of guests, Sheis found Lazarus moping around. When he heard the news he became irate and started using jujufire. His friends attacked, too. This was quite rude behavior for guests and Sheis knew that they must be taught a lesson.

Sheis unslung Sheis' bow and made an example of an Advocate. When that didn't seem to effectively pursuade the others to cease firing, Sheis was forced to slay them. They dropped some nice wedding presents, but no one brought a toaster. How thoughtless!

The couple made good use of their wedding presents and put each of them to good use. (They returned the presents and got refunds.) The following days were pleasant for both of them. But, sadly, Sheis was struck by some kind of insanity within a week of the marriage.

Ogden tried to help but his methods failed. Pepin was called, but his diagnosis was dismal. Sheis was hearing voices... and responding to them. Pepin had seen nothing like this since he had a patient that had been defeated by the Dark Lord of Terror. Pepin reasoned that Diablo was still waiting for the wedding and had begun tormenting the couple for fun.

This same insanity had hit Lazarus, Leoric, and Kabib¹. Pepin started attempting to find cures but stopped when Sheis suddenly passed away. Sheis had died from swallowing a small bird that had once served Kabib as a gourmet chef.

¹: Yes, Kabib. You were expecting Melvin? Don't you know who Kabib is? And you call yourself a Diablo fan...

The Truth As You Don't Know It
brought to you by LemmingofGlory

The vile Q: escaped from the bottle of concentrated liquified Wirt peg leg splinters that I had shoved him in. That's how he was able to pollute your minds with the previous messages. I'll now clarify a few things.

1) Sheis Barbarian did the things stated in Parts 1-4. Some tales are expanded or condensed for time saving purposes.

2) Part 5 was entirely made up by the vile Q: to boost his ratings. What ratings? Frankly, I don't know. Q: lives in his own little world where the things he does mean something and every time he talks he's competing with nonexistant competitors for awards in journalism. At least I think that's why he does the things he does. It's funny, I never bothered to ask him, but that seems accurate enough.

3) There's a 3? You'd better check 4 to see if there's a 3.

4) If there's a 4, then there must have been a 3, right? You'd better go back and check to see if 3's there yet.

Sheis was chatting with a few people when suddenly Q: started speaking to her by using the power of parenthesis, which is the only way he can speak without asking a question. This was the "voice" Sheis was responding to.

(Dammit, Lemming! I finished that story perfectly! Don't you go spreading the truth!)

Yes, just like that. Anyway...

(NO! You can't tell! You mustn't! It'll ruin my version!)

*Lemming's eyes open widely. A mischievous grin appears. Juju flows from within the small, furry rodent and encircles it.*

(...uh...)

Now, Q:, you know it isn't within your power to thwart me. Cease lest you wish to face my wrath once again.

(Okay, bye-bye...)

*Lemming leaps into the air and his encircling juju orb grows larger. Unrestrained power is unleashed. Onlookers are blinded temporarily. Passersby randomly explode for not stopping to watch. Q:, previously sitting atop a coffee maker, is now seen brewing within the coffee maker. He has a peg leg and is screaming about not wanting to return to Cuba.*

That's better. Oh, and Q:'s not Cuban. I just gave him a near-lethal dose of CNN, circa early 2000. Well, let's finish this story.

Last we left off Q: was tormenting Sheis with his dispicable parenthesis-speak. To a Barbarian, this can be nothing but juju. Sheis was driven mad and decided that she had to expel the juju from within herself. Sheis slew herself.

Yet death was not meant to be. Sheis returned, but not as Sheis. Because of Ogden's influence, Sheis returned with a new name, Garda, and was free of Q:'s juju parenthesis. Garda can now, thanks to Ogden, speak like normal people, though she does prefer BAR speak.

Garda and Ogden go on to have some children. They're not too sure how they had children, but they had them.

This is a run-down of the Barbarians and Barbarian-related characters, most of which exist as played characters. I group all of my BARs into the same tribe. Some of the characters mentioned are introduced in Garda's D2 tales, though not all of them are be mentioned.

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