[SPOILERS] scooter Reruns Bluey

[scooter]

This is part 2 in my roast-as-previews series. Don't worry, there will 5 parts, not 4.


Commodore - Brennus (Spi/Chm) of Mongolia



when Thoth says he's keeping Vikings


These are the picks of someone absolutely soiling their pants at the mere thought of Viking Galleys. He's terrified. Look man, here's the deal. If Boudica/Vikings come after you, you've already lost. You aren't going to fend him off gracefully and then go on to win the game no matter what you pick here. And if he doesn't come after you, you don't have enough juice here anyway unless enough others faceplant. Would you like to build settlers? FULL PRICE. Would you like to generate great people? FULL PRICE. Like, sure, you can build some nasty Knights, but I would like to see the plan to tech Feudalism, Machinery, Guilds, Theology, and Civil Service, and oh by the way you gotta get Astro at some point. You also have to expand in order to have population to whip to begin with. Forges to enhance your whips? FULL PRICE. Gers are nice, but just to get to that point you need a Wonder worth of hammers just to build Settler/Barracks/Ger to produce a single build queue. Got discounts on any of those things? NOPE. But hey, at least you have cheap Monuments and Temples. The happiness - that's the bottleneck you have to solve on Medieval start on a relatively balanced map.


How does this pick win a single first-to bonus in a part of the game oozing in them? It's probably not beating PHI to any big bulbs. SPI gives you economic options, but congrats, you got the 3rd most economically effective SPI leader out of 3 selected, and you picked it before any of them. As for Mongolia, well half the point of Mongolia is you have a rush option which forces your neighbors to be honest. Have fun doing that with a horseless start. (Or if this start is NOT horseless like mine appears to be, the map is getting roasted next.) If the mapmakers have any sense of justice and/or humor, they'll stick this pick next to the Vikings and let them duel while the other 3 of us attempt to win a game of Civilization, something that can barely be said for this pick. It's never a good sign when you're one of two players to pick The Military Combo, and you end up with the second best military combo. If I said Boudica is trying to finish 4th out of 5, this pick is all about not wanting to be the one finishing 5th. Brennus of Mongolia: when you dare to dream of 3rd place.

[scooter]

This is part 3 in my roast-as-previews series. Don't worry, there will 5 parts, not 4.


Pindicator - Saladin (SPI/PRO) of Spain




we all expect it, we're just not impressed


Let me first hearken back to my take on Protective, the trait.

Protective: probably also very bad

I don't see anything here worth revising, so instead let's elaborate. Protective's economic bonus sounds great until you remember you can achieve basically the same thing by signing Open Borders, and I'll remind you on Medieval you start with Writing + Sailing already researched and two scouts to find neighbors. Once you take that away, you're left with the trait that was universally agreed to be the worst trait in BtS. And for good reason! How many times do you win a game because "boy howdy those defensive promotions just saved my best city." No, that's how you avoid exiting the game before it's over. Really shooting for the stars here aren't we. I'm sensing a theme here.


As for Spain itself, this is absolute peak "we have Byzantines at home" stuff. Congrats on getting the 3rd best Knight UU I guess. Citadel sounds nice until you realize it's literally just a Castle because Siege are approximately the least scary units imaginable to get extra XP. Oh no, City Raider Trebs, I hope nobody has built the one unit that dominates this era that can flank them to death! Cannons would be scary if only I can imagine this combo getting to Steel before pindicator gets bored of playing on a map with green tiles and instead eagerly signs up to play a new game on the worst map you've ever seen in your life. Serious question: what does this combo have that is truly terrifying? I clowned on Boudica, but at least C1 CR3 Zerks off 4-move Galleys are terror embodied, and Brennus of Mongolia is the closest you can come to reproducing Cataphracts. This combo? Absolute mid everywhere. The most interesting piece is a Knight UU that will be the second best Knight in a 5 player game. It's a whole bunch of tools that scream "respectable" and not "scary." At least Boudica of Vikings will shoot off some absolutely sick fireworks in a losing effort. This is a popcorn pick if you don't like butter, salt, or really any seasoning at all. Saladin of Spain: vanilla ice cream.

[civac2]

The Conquistador is a cuirassier since BTS (or Warlords possibly).

[naufragar]

Got any more of those roasts?

These are great.

Cuidado! Civilopedia is wrong. The Spain UU is a Cuirassier replacement, making it even worse than you've roasted.

[civac2]

Nah, Conquistadors are pretty good. Of course, you need a plan to get them pre rifles by a good margin.

[Tarkeel]

It's easy to forget that Cuirs have two bonuses: the +50% vs melee is nice to chew through pikes, but they also get defensive bonuses. Still, you need to research them within a reasonable timeframe.

Also, Citadels give xp to boats.

[scooter]

This is part 4 in my roast-as-previews series. A guest contributor will bring us home after this.


Yuris - Gandhi (SPI/PHI) of Russia




raps so hot, I spit yoga fire


You know, we didn't do the best job of deciding on settings for this game. I still don't know how religion is going to work other than I'll probably get one, there was obvious uncertainty over the ban list, and also Yuris appears to believe we're playing with Always Peace enabled. I think it's really great that he's going to build a bunch of Russian Universities so that Thoth can capture them and build Oxford if he gets lucky on building capture RNG. He may have the inside track on Liberalism, so congrats in advance on Libbing Banking. On the surface it feels like I'm reaching a bit for snark in part because this leader/civ seems pretty strong. But it is a real issue that this Spaceship Victory combo was picked into the absolute nutjob picks everyone else went for. It's not like this was unforseeable. I'm a Known Idiot, and I said this last night before making a pick.

The other glaring issue is that picks are trending more bloody than anticipated. Nobody in the first snake picked IMP or PHI at all, instead we got Vikings (naval blood), Brennus (Knight blood), and Saladin (CKN blood I bet).

All of this was true before this leader or civ was selected. So what's the plan here? Your expansion is no better than the face mashers, so good luck out-whipping them. You can get to military tech spikes first to protect yourself, but you do have to decide whether to pursue the Guilds path or the Astro path, all while knowing you kinda need to get Education or else your civ falls from questionable to null. Universities are cool and all, but in the Medieval era swords mostly whooped books. It's a really bad sign when your T0 win condition is hope the other 4 players forget about you for a few months. If you'd like to see how this is going to go, go watch one of Sullla's AI Survivor games with Gandhi in it. He's gonna build some really nice shiny stuff, and then one of the "Ug Go Smash" guys will kick over his sandcastle. Gandhi of Russia: well it was going fine until...

[Krill]

scooter has been gracious enough to serve four parts of this joyful five course meal of roasts to us, but he has kindly allowed the serving of the final course, the desserts best served icily cold, to me.

My apologies to the lurkers and the usual Realms Beyond conduct of "No analysis in player threads" in advance.


scooter - Suleiman (IMP/PHI) of America



scooter in two weeks time


Best of luck to you scooter, but this game is going to be essentially decided in the first 40 turns and end at 60. And it will be over in 40 turns because this pick is going to get rushed off the face of the map in the first 15. Two extra settlers aren't going to keep him alive from a Viking galley or Keshik rush: This isn't a drag race, the first car to the corner isn't the winner if it can't get around the bend and victory isn't decided on who can leave a larger dent in the wall. America? Look scooter, you made the point that Brennus of Mongolia gets nothing cheap. When is Suleiman going to build a 90 hammer library when you could get rushed by T15? Precisely how much gpp is this going to give you? And Caste? You really want to try that against these players, regardless of what they picked, giving up slavery? See: previous point. Everyone has a plan until they get an axe in the face; you didn't need to handicap yourself this much after the success of PB73.

Suleiman is a leader looking to have a future but forgets that all the resources that matter are visible on turn 0. So what's the plan going forward? Revolt T0. Settle T1. WhipHope to chop another worker by T5? What are you going to do against a player that has an axe pair and galley on T5 or a HA pair by T8? I'll tell you what you have with Suleiman: pipe dreams of finishing 1st.

Maybe Commodore was right to be terrified of the Vikings: Maybe Thoth will choke on the American corpse and be ripe for pillaging by the Mongols, and at least Yuri has the protection of SPI whipping to use PHI Caste. Suleiman of America is just like the 2000's England mens football team: full of mediocre tools that don't work together and constantly delivered disappointment amidst delusions of grandeur.

[El Grillo]

Whatever happens, these were all a joy to read.

[scooter]

scooter has been gracious enough to serve four parts of this joyful five course meal of roasts to us, but he has kindly allowed the serving of the final course, the desserts best served icily cold, to me.

Perfectly done, no notes.