Part 1: Arrival of the Rodents Not long ago, from lands afar, came the Hamster. With him he brought the gifts of bad eye-sight, monstrous strength requirements, and terror of things larger than himself. These little rodents appeared to be truly puny beasties. Rascal, the first Hamster, wandered into Tristram one day and soon rose to prominence. This paved the way for other Hamsters, such as Itzai Bitzai. Itzai, a distant cousin of Rascal's, came from the land of the Bushido Warriors, who the Hamsters watched to learn the Way of the Bushido. Ah, but these tiny samurai could not sit back and watch Rascal's Den take all of the glory for Tristram, so Itzai set out to Tristram himself. It was quite lonely for Itzai on his first trip to Tristram. The townsfolk loathed him and it seemed that only the cows would speak to him. On a hunch, he approached Cain. "Stay awhile and listen... or pay 100 gold and I will tell you about an item," spoke the Elder. "Um... 100 gold is all I have and I don't need to know what my items do," replied Itzai. "You smell odd, young one. I wish I could lay my eyes upon you, yet my sight is going and I use it only to identify things," said Cain. "Somehow, that wasn't helpful, Sir," said the somewhat offended Hamster. "Your odor, it reminds me of something..." Cain said. Now he paused to pull some sort of wiggling insect from his beard and ate it. "Ah! Yes, dinner! I'll talk to you later, smelly little person." Quite hungry himself, and without thinking, the Hamster stabbed one of his short arms into the elderly man's beard and pulled out a snack. "See here! You can't just go stealing an old man's supper!" proclaimed Cain. "Griswold, help!! Thief!!" Griswold quickly came running to Cain's aid. He immediately saw the tiny hamster and then looked strangely at Cain. "THIS thing is bothering you? Argh! Just kick it you old fool!" spoke the blacksmith. "I fear it, Griswold! I fear it! Make it go away!" And with that, Cain burst into tears, turned around, and munched on some more of his beard-bugs. Griswold gave a heavy sigh as he grabbed the Hamster around its midsection, disarmed it, and walked to the church entrance. The small Hamster had no better ideas so he bit down on the smithy's finger as hard as he could. Griswold swore and shook his hand furiously, releasing his grip on the beast. Itzai flailed wildly in the air, teeth imbedded in Griswold's finger. Suddenly, flesh ripped and in Itzai's mouth was a rather large bit of Griswold's finger. He spat it out and realized that he was heading toward the ground at a tremendous speed! He hit the ground hard and even harder was the kick of the blacksmith! ItzaiBitzai bounced down the church steps and landed square on his rump at the bottom of the steps... Part 2: The Adventures of Itzai Bitzai Most upset by his rejection from town, Itzai decided that he had to prove himself to those snobby townspeople. Unarmed, he walked deeper and deeper into the labyrinth. Skeletons, feral beasts, walking dead, and noisy imps all descended upon him. His paws flew like lightning, striking home more often that not. All perished before him. Though by a stroke of bad luck, a scavenger beast seemed to be his match. No sooner would Itzai would land a blow then the beast had recovered the lost life. Itzai knew this was his match so ran deeper into the labyrinth and left the beast behind. Upset by nearly being defeated, Itzai crushed some skeletons to vent his anger. Soon he had leveled up a few times and was able to return and defeat the scavenger beast he fled from earlier. After that, the level was cleared and it was time to descend deeper. The second floor of the cathedral basement seemed to be insurmountable, so he ran back to town for rest and to prepare for a new Tristram the following day. However, when he arrived in town he found that Ogden would not grant him lodging because the tavernkeeper didn't trust the strange beastie. ItzaiBitzai was forced to sleep very uncomfortably that night... "Hello, cows." said Itzai. "MOOOOOO!" answered Bessie and Belle angrily. "Hrmp, must be in a bad mood," Itzai said. He was almost sorry he'd greeted them. "S***-Spot, mind if I sleep here?" S***-Spot answered with a *KICK* to the Hamster's gut. "S***-Spot, what was that for!?" Itzai demanded. "MOOO!! *KICKKICKICK*," was the only answer S***-Spot would provide. "I don't know what's wrong with you, but if I get kicked again, I'm going to have steak for dinner," warned ItzaiBitzai. S***-Spot responded with what might have been a bovine chuckle, then she kicked Itzai again. "Ok, that's it. I'm sick of this." Itzai raised his paw... *THUD*! Bessie and Bell were upon him with much haste and quickly overcame him. Itzai was then tied to a tree and licked by all three cows until he passed out from the stench of cow saliva. How exactly the cows used rope is beyond the knowledge of our hero. The next day proved to go well for Itzai Bitzai. Though a barrel dealt him a fatal blow, he returned and found a Short Sword in its place. "A most excellent Wakizashi!" Itzai thought. Now he felt more powerful, and this proved to be true. Again he cleaned up the first underground level of the church, so he proceeded to the next. And today it seemed to be quite easier than on the previous day. Itzai quickly located and slayed Bladeskin the Slasher. He returned to town to see Pepin. "What ails you, my friend?" asked Pepin . "I need to be healed. It hurts down there," replied Itzai. "...What?! You mean to tell me that you were in the labyrinth? Oh, I hope you do better than other strangers I've seen in this town... some I never saw again," spoke Pepin. "Well, can you heal me?" questioned Itzai Bitzai. "No... my skills are for humans, you are--" "Hamster. Bushido tribe to be exact," interrupted the rodent. "Oh. I seem to remember seeing one of you before, but I'm afraid I can't sell potions to strangers as they could be evil and cooperate with the demons in the labyrinth." "Hmm. Well, I've brought you proof that I killed something, if that helps. An particularly powerful imp dropped this," Itzai held up a magical club. "Oh! I suppose I CAN sell you things now. Drop that off by Griswold; he'll pay you for it," said Pepin excitedly. The Hamster purchased the number of partial healing potions he thought would be appropriate and then walked off towards Cain. "Stay awhile and lis-- what's that? I sense magic. Do you have something to identify?" asked Cain quickly. "Why yes I do. Do you have some kind of radar?" asked Itzai. "Give it to me! Hmm... club of vitality. 'ray dart'? I don't know what 'ray dart' is," replied Cain. "Now, pay me 100 gold." "Fine," the adorable hero pulled out his gold pouch and paid the old coot. "Nevermind my first question. So, uh, what exactly ARE those things that you eat out of your beard?" asked the Hamster quite forwardly. "W-what do you mean 'things I eat out of my beard'?! I don't eat things pulled out of my beard! Begone!" cried Cain. Itzai decided that it'd be best to leave Cain in denial for now and he walked off toward Griswold's shop. As soon as he was out of Cain's sight (which isn't very far), Cain turned around and ate a few handfuls of his beard buddies. "Hello, Griswold," Itzai said in his most friendly tone. "Argh! Begone, vile one! My finger still hurts!" bellowed Griswold as he turned around and lumbered into the back of his hut. Itzai decided that he would leave the club on Griswold's workstand and wait to see what happened to it. The Hamster climbed into a tool box and waited for Griswold to return. Griswold returned shortly and saw the club. "Argh! A magical club! This must be a blessing from the Item Gnomes! Finally they visit me! I leave ye gold, blessed Gnomes!" said Griswold most excitedly. He quickly ran to the back of his shop and stashed the club somewhere. Itzai took his cue and grabbed the gold. A short time later, Itzai had found more boss creatures and slayed them. He gained Griswold and Adria's trust, and later the Wounded Townsman would speak to him. When Griswold started to trust the Hamster, the "Item Gnomes" stopped visiting him. The poor smithy never made the connection. Now Itzai was ready for much more than he was before. He could gain levels with speed and crawl ever closer to the bottom of the labyrinth. Finally, Itzai grew tired of slaying alone. So, even if he was the one to be slain, Itzai decided to travel to about Tristram and meet other adventurers. Part 3: Adventuring With Others At one point Itzai met Charis`Othello, a level 23 Moor. Charis was gaming alongside a Gothic hero in Hell. The Hamster, seeking greater glory and power, took a neglected portal and tracked down the two adventurers. He quickly found them, and then he also surprised them with his brave stupidity. A level 14 Hamster in Hell is not quite a good thing. Yet, they accepted him and he did his best to hold his own. "Sooth! The Hamster is brave to descend into Hell with us," said Charis. "Verily!" squeaked Itzai. They continued to finish the level. Succubi and Doom Guards tried to stop them, yet they were overcome. Itzai challenged the Doom Guards as often as possible for knights that hide behind shields are cowards! Itzai himself ended up being sizzled more than a few times by stray spells and such. He didn't mind that though. He was glad to be fighting knights. Cowardly knights had to be driven from the land! The level that contained Lazarus was quite dangerous. Snow Witches struck fear into the Hamster, yet he ignored them because the Steel Lords were more important. At one point, the Hamster was closing in on an enemy and a stray arrow from the Moor dealt him a fatal blow. A strong Moor Charis must have been, for the Hamster was relatively healthy before it connected. Itzai felt lucky to be with such a powerful person, though he had to chuckle at the thought of somebody using flying sticks to kill their foes. The group finally found the chamber of Lazarus. Itzai was able to aid in the slaying and even found a Wakizashi of Speed. A very good upgrade from his Steel Wakizashi of the Mind. Now his Hamsterishness was finally blooming. Hamsterly attacks are legendary for their speed. Cain and Itzai had an interesting conversation about this item. "I have a Wakizashi for you to identify, Cain," said Itzai. "I know THAT! Give it to me!!" Cain quickly grabbed the unidentified Wakizashi and identified it. "I don't think I should give this to you... thieves should not be any faster." "Thieves?" asked Itzai. "You! You know! My munchies! You stole one!" cried Cain. "Oh, that. Here, I never did eat it. What the hell is it anyway?" "This... erm... is my, uh... I got it when I adopted a highway!" "A what?" "Yes, yes! Highway, you don't know what it is. I paid top dollar, yes I did. This is not munchie. This is adopt a highway prize." "Um, yeah... thanks for the sword," Itzai handed Cain the 100 gold service fee. "Hmm," thought Itzai, "I'm kinda low on funds. I think I'll try out my hand at repairing this sword." Itzai then drew out his hammer and fixed his sword with only 2 dur loss. "Hey, not bad! I think I'll do this more often, just not to my stuff. I'll call my business 'Durability Reduction Fairy.' People seem to like fairies." Unfortunately, Itzai's business never really caught on. When Itzai returned down the portal, Tristram shook and he fell unconscious. He awoke back at the Variants table in Ogden's Tavern. Part 4: "Channels" and Bots "Greetings ItzaiBitzai-bhm it's hopeless to see you :(" greeted both Bot`of`Disaster and OddBot as Itzai sat down at the Variants' table. WeirdoBot remained silent. OddBot was wielding a gavel. "Wow, that was weird. I lost consciousness while descending a portal. Hmm, this table is a bit empty right now..." spoke Itzai, mostly to himself. "This table is for Nude Bots, everyone knows that." whispered both OddBot and Bot`of`Disaster. "Huh?... right... Well, getting knocked out is no fun. Perhaps I'll try to return," spoke Itzai, again to himself. "Happy Fun Ball, now legal in 17 states!" whispered OddBot. "I'd probably ask why you said that and what the heck you're talking about if I wasn't so lazy..." spoke Itzai. "Laz always drops inane garbage for me," replied both bots. "OddBot, BoD, why must you keep autoresponding?" asked Itzai, expecting no response. "ItzaiBitzai-bhm, BoD, why must you keep autoresponding?" whispered OddBot. "This is starting to piss me off--" Itzai was cut off and knocked out by a mighty gavel swing. Itzai awoke in The Void. "Well, at least there'll be no autoresponse here," Itzai Bitzai mused happily. "No one hears you," came a voice. "You just heard me," replied Itzai. "No one hears you," it said again. "Look, it was bad enough when this place was full of bots and spam bunnies, but adding an unsquelchable fiend is really overdoing it," said Itzai, getting visibly annoyed. "No one hears you," came the monotone voice. "Alright, I get your point. Go away!" yelled Itzai. "No one hears you," the voice harassed again. "Shut up! I can't take this! Go away!" Itzai screamed in 3 quick, separate remarks. "No one hears you." "No one hears you." "No one hears you." ItzaiBitzai fled The Void with much haste. He returned to Variants and found Charis`Othello. Charis was apparently in great hurry and had to go. Itzai was again alone. That loneliness drove him nearly insane and he took a trip into the Warriors Arena. Inside the dreaded Arena were 4 adventurers, including Itzai. "Greetings" either had no meaning or else everyone was illiterate. One sound rang clearly in that channel: silence. Itzai was preparing to leave when someone entered. They spoke, yet it was awful spam! "so you get sick of all thou stupid bots say join this clan or join that one and when you do they dont live up to what they say? well listen to this join or dont come to channel ourclanrulz right away we live up to what they say!!¹" the spammer screamed so loudly that he almost threw up a lung. With just as much speed as he had entered, he left. His ramblings were something Itzai pondered. "He's saying that his clan lives up to other clans' promises/advertisements? I wonder if he knew that's what he's saying." said Itzai aloud. It took a minute or two, but someone eventually laughed at that statement. Itzai deduced that warriors from the Arena took longer to think, and even longer to recognize humor. After a few more minutes, Itzai had had enough of such nothingness. He left for another trip to Tristram... and what would be the toughest battle of his life. ¹: Allcaps edited out as an eyesore. Part 5: Sgorlab! Itzai entered Tristram again - welcomed now - and went to Ogden's for a meal. The Tavern of the Rising Sun was empty that day, except for some townspeople. Gillian approached Itzai Bitzai. "Good day, how may I serve you?" asked Gillian. "Serve?" inquired Itzai. "Yes, sir, I will take your food and drink orders and then deliver the food and drink to you." answered Gillian. "Oh. No one's ever done that for me before," replied Itzai. "What do you recommend?" "Well, everyone's had a little bit of me... erm, meat. The rat is good," responded Gillian. A bit confused by the first comment and horrified by the second one, Itzai had but one response, "I, uh, think I'll be going now." But before Itzai could completely stand up from his chair, Cain brought his hand down on the Hamster's shoulder and pushed him back into his seat. Cain then pulled himself up chair. Gillian's eye was caught by some new customers and she left them alone. "So, you have interest in my munchies, do you?" whispered Cain. "Um, I wouldn't quite call it interest..." responded Itzai. "Shh! Not so loud! Do you want THEM to hear?" whispered Cain harshly, pointing his bony finger at the other townspeople. "Since you brought it up, what exactly ARE those things in your beard? I don't especially want to eat the rodents they serve here. What'd Gillian mean by 'everyone's had a little bit of me'?" asked Itzai, quite confused. Cain chuckled, "My munchies are what I gather from items that I identify. I live on them. They're much better than Ogden's rat dishes. No one's ever noticed them before. Don't tell a soul about them!" replied Cain. "As for Gillian, she probably made an 'accidental' reference to her night job. Free advertising and such, you know," the decrepit figure added. Oh. But, what ARE those 'munchies'?" questioned the Hamster. "My munchies are magical pixie droppings," replied Cain. "D-droppings?" "Yes." "W-why do they move and wiggle?" "Because they are alive. Pixie droppings are not dead matter, my Hamsterly friend." "That's quite gross." "So be it. They're awfully tasty though. I will sell them to you for 1,000 gold each." "1000?! Why should I pay that much?! Couldn't I just take them for myself?" "No, you do not know how to harvest them. Also, they die if they do not have a beard or beard-hair to live in after extraction. You see, they're harvested from the items that I identify, though they must be harvested carefully lest they die! They can't be eaten directly off of the item either." "*sigh* Well, I don't appear to have a choice do I?" With that, Itzai paid Cain for 8 pixie droppings, also called. "You'll need a lock of my beard to keep the Pixips - as they are more affectionately named - alive. That'll be 10,000 gold," spoke Cain non-chalantly. "10,000?!?!?!? WHAT?!" "One-time purchase, Hamster, one-time purchase! Calm down." "Fine." Itzai handed over the gold. "One Pixip will keep you full for a week! Come by any time!" the Elder then stood up and walked out of the tavern. Itzai hadn't eaten in a few days, and he was ravenous. He timidly ate a Pixip. Surprisingly, they were quite good, for something that tastes like a vacuum cleaner bag. He felt immediately nourished and energized. His newfound power encouraged him to take a trip into Hell. The entrance to Hell was unusually warm that day. It seemed to be alive with fire, yet no fire could be seen. The diminutive rodent walked slowly down the bone staircase until he was standing at the bottom of the stairwell. The dungeon floor was blue, for whatever that might mean. But the Hamster sensed magic. "Well, lets find out what we've got shall we?" Itzai tried to gather his nerves by talking to himself. Slowly, very slowly, he walked to the left. He found a small alcove which would serve well as a retreat point if needed. He then went around the corner, finding Snow Witches in a long hall. Their Blood Stars singed his fur as he retreated to the alcove for pop-in and pop-out tactics. "Why are they called 'Snow Witches' when their attacks burn like all get out?" wondered the rodent. After slaying a fair number of the fair demons, the hall was empty of demons and ready to be trod down. Itzai soon found more witches and... *TWACK*! A crack on the head by a scimitar! Itzai could feel fire scorching his underside. What manner of creature is this?! "Arrrg!" squealed Itzai. With an adrenaline rush he sped his blade into the burning skin of the winged beast. His Sparking Mail enhanced his damage and surely caused great pain to the fire beast; soon the demon was finished off. Itzai disliked the idea of fighting a whole level of such beasts, yet he had heard tales of Blackskull and wondered how true they were. A slaying of Blackskull would be seen as very courageous. Itzai fought valiantly through hordes of the red-winged demons and prevailed over the Snow Witches. He slew the beautiful Witchmoon with little trouble and nearly finished off the level when he met... Him. Blackskull. The legion that Blackskull commanded fought exclusively with physical attacks. They brought down blow after blow on the Hamster. He fled down corridors, stopping every so often to swing and make a few hits. Eventually the onslaught overcame him. Though he felled 3 of the mass, it was not enough to impair the strength of the marauding horde. He was surrounded by the beasts, stunlocked, and beaten into submission. He was so badly injured that he couldn't even pretend to be dead. Itzai fell unconscious. Itzai awoke in town standing outside of a house that had been given to him for his valiant defense of the town. He was very weak and barely made it to Pepin for a healing potion. "What ails you, my friend?" asked Pepin. "*groan* I just got my ass beaten in, can't you tell?" replied Itzai. "Oh, yes, and I feared that you were gone for good. I'm not quite sure how you got back to your house though. Will you be returning to the labyrinth?" questioned Pepin worriedly. "I suppose I will, I'm not too keen on losing my stuff," answered Itzai. "Oh good! Leaving monsters to wreak havoc on the town would have been very bad. I didn't think you would! Here, buy a few potions." Itzai secretly thought that Pepin charging him for potions was a bit ungrateful since he was saving the town and all. Still, he bought potions and then went to speak with Cain. "Thanks, Pepin." "Hello, my friend. Stay awhile and listen!" spoke Cain in his usual tired greeting. "Sorry, no time for stories. I've got something for you to take a look at. What do you make of this amulet?" asked Itzai. "*ahem* 100 gold first," demanded Cain. "You know I'm good for it! I always pay. Why do you get so weird when I find jewelry? Here's your money," Itzai handed over the cash. "This is an Obsidian Amulet of Perfection, Hamster," spoke Cain. "W-what? Really...? Wow. That's quite nice, isn't it? Thanks... I'm gonna stop by Griswold now." Itzai walked off towards Griswold's shop. "Argh, what can I do for ye?" asked Griswold. "I need a helm, got one?" responded Itzai. "Hmm, I've got this Full Helm, will it do?" "It'll be just fine. Here's your money," Itzai paid Griswold and left the shop. He headed towards the pile of money he had stashed in town. "Good thing I have that Glorious Breast Plate of Vim and other things for backup," thought Itzai. "This battle is going to be difficult. What are those things anyway? I'd better go ask Cain." Strangely, just as Itzai turned around, he bumped into Cain. "Greetings, my friend, stay awhile and listen," greeted the old fellow in his usual manner. "Remind me to ask you why you always greet me like that, but now I have more important matters. What is large, red, winged, and breathes fire?" inquired the Hamster. "That would be a shaven gnome out raking leaves-ablazing," replied Cain, "or Sgorlab for short." "How would it be breathing fire?" "A Gnome rakes leaves by burning and eating them. Needless to say, that causes quite an interesting reaction." "Oh. Isn't 'ablazing' one word though? It'd make more sense to call it a 'Sgorla.' I think so anyway." "Yes, but Sgorlab sounds better, doesn't it?" "I suppose so..." "Well, I'm only here to offer you more Pixips. Inflation has risen the price to 2,000 gold a piece." "What?! *sigh* I have enough for now. No thanks." "So be it, Hamster. Good day." Cain then walked back to his usual place near the fountain. Itzai thought he appeared drunk and suspicion was soon affirmed as the decrepit fellow tumbled into the fountain head-first. "Perhaps I'd best eat these Pixips as infrequently as possible. I don't want to wind up like that," Itzai thought. Dressed in his backup equipment and pack full to the brim with potions, the Hamster descended into Hell yet again. The Sgorlab were far off, yet he could still smell the foul, burning stink of their halitosis. He walked off to find them. Turning a familiar corner, Itzai stumbled upon the throng. Seven or eight in all, each protecting Blackskull. When they saw Itzai they immediately gave chase! Itzai would turn corners and swing back around in attempts to slay one. Most attempts being unsuccessful, Itzai decided to outrun them and string them along. Itzai ran down the corpse-strewn corridors, nearly tripping at times. A most horrid stench filled the air... blood of witches oozing on the dirt, charred bones of Sgorlab still burning though long dead. At last Itzai could barely hear the clacking of the Sgorlab hooves in the distance. Still, he continued his march and soon found his gear. Being quite low on potions, Itzai and set up a town portal went to restock. While getting potions Itzai re-outfitted himself in his old equipment. He found that his armor was only half-together and his cap was nearly broken. Griswold repaired the items, but at a high price. Itzai became even more determined to slay the Sgorlab. Itzai returned to Hell using the staircase. He wanted to keep his portal in case he needed it again. Time for some more cat-and-Hamster routines. Itzai wandered around the maze of Hell looking for the Sgorlab, and then he found them. Or, rather, it seemed as if they found him. Stepping backward and swingin, Itzai executed this highly effective fighting technique multiple times while fighting these abominations. Then, at last, all were slain but Blackskull. "Alright, you! Come get some!" taunted the Hamster. A brutal *ROAR!* issued forth from Blackskull as the demon lumbered forward. Nimbly, Itzai called forth a great wall of fire to engulf the beast. The fire threw off Blackskull's attack allowing Itzai to swing his wakizashi. The fire itself was not enough to stop the marauding Blackskull; the demon recovered quickly from all attacks and slammed his mighty scimitar upon the Hamster's skull many times. But the Hamster could be stopped no more than Blackskull could! He swung his wakizashi so quickly and harshly that his muscles felt as if they were going to rip. Suddenly, an inferno issued forth from within Blackskull and the beast combusted. Along with the clatter of bones, dull thud was heard as an object struck the floor. Itzai knew he was victorious. "The reward for slaying the legendary Blackskull is... a buckler?!?" Itzai squealed in astonishment. Part 6: The Knighting of a Hamster Itzai Bitzai returned to Ogden's and sat at the variants table. Few were gathered that day. OddBot and Bot`of`Disaster were there spewing their usual autoresponses. Then Itzai noticed something quite wonderful. "Another Bushido?!" exclaimed Itzai. "Yes, I am a Bushido," stated Kshira[BW] looking up from a conversation to speak with the Hamster. "I-I've always wanted to go slaying with another Bushido. I knew of but one other. Will you accompany?" asked Itzai. "Perhaps. I'm waiting for a reply from someone at the moment though," answered Kshira. Itzai sat semi-patiently for awhile, waiting to see if Kshira would get the necessary response or if the Bushido Warrior would be able to accompany the Hamster. Either way, the Hamster was extremely happy to even see another Bushido. The knowledge of another from his land excited him to an immeasurable degree. "Well, it's been 6 hours and no reply. I think it's safe to say that I can go," Kshira soon said. "Yay! Let us be off then!" exclaimed the Hamster. "I will meet you there." And off went the two Bushido to meet peril, luck, and things in between. The first layer of hell consisted of Sgorlab and Cave Vipers. Kshira was glad to see the snakes, as was Itzai. They delighted at the ease of snake-slaying. Yet, at the sighting of Sgorlab Itzai wailed. "Aiee! Sgorlab! Blackskull nearly destroyed me at our last meeting!" screamed Itzai, suddenly feeling very puny. "We'll be fine," reassured Kshira. "... 'Sgorlab?' What in blazes is that?" "The large, red, winged, fire breathing things," answered the Hamster. "Balrogs, you mean?" "Balrogs?" "Who told you Sgorlab?" "Cain." "You do know that Cain is in the sauce even more than Farnham, right?" Not wanting to mention Cain's Pixips, the Hamster agreed, "Yes, I suppose so." The two Bushidos marched on and were soon in the grasp of Blackskull and his gang. "Aiee!" screamed Itzai. "Arrgghh!!!" the death wail of Kshira instantly dropped the spirits of Itzai. "I can't move, what's going on?" thought Itzai. Then everything sped up and the Hamster lay dead. "Arrgghh!!!" Waking up in the house that the townspeople had given to him, the Hamster pondered why he couldn't move for those few seconds. Then it hit him. "Lag. Those foul beasts used lag rushing tactics! Vileness!" exclaimed Itzai. "You still dead?" spoke the corpse of Kshira. "I'm in town already," replied Itzai. Out of nowhere, Kshira appeared, walking out of the same house that Itzai had just exited. "Drat, I forgot that my first and second belt spots were empty. Oh well," said Kshira almost non-chalantly. "I'm glad I have this backup stuff," said Itzai. "Yeah. I'll go lure the gang to a spot away from the gear, ok?" spoke Kshira. "But you'll die," mentioned Itzai. "It happens," spoke the brave Bushido. Time after time, Kshira went back down the hole to Hell. In the mean time, Itzai set up a town portal in a very appropriate place and Kshira was able to make it up without yet another death. "Very convenient town portal, Hamster," spoke Kshira. "Really?" asked the Hamster, quite surprised that he did something good without meaning to. "Yeah, the gang is huddled around it," spoke Kshira. "I'll go and see if I can get some of the stuff without triggering them," but as soon as he said that, he came upon the stuff and found that Kshira was already there. "Hi, I thought you were still tangling with the Sgorlab," said Itzai. "Balrogs," corrected Kshira. "Oh, yeah. Hehe." They finished the level without further incident - except for a nova-trapped chest that killed Kshira - and finally went back for an extremely easy slaying of Blackskull. The gang didn't even move when the Bushidos got close. They would attack, but they were much more intent on guarding their boss. The Hamster thought the Balrogs' strategy was really stupid, though he had to admit it was much less painful on his end. The next two layers of Hell consisted of Hell Spawn and Magistrates. A very painful place to slay, but the Bushidos accomplished it without deaths. Itzai Bitzai reached a new level from the experience. Upon reaching Lazarus, Itzai lured out the Arch-Bishop's two succubus cohorts, and together the Bushidos slayed the vile vixens. Itzai and Kshira entered the chamber of Lazarus with swords swinging. They surprised the occupants and felled Advocates; the two remaining Hell Spawns met similar fates. Lazarus recoiled in fear and backed into a corner. The samurai laughed and sliced the fallen priest with so much vigor that he crumbled into ash. "I only have a few potions left," spoke Kshira. "Me, too," replied Itzai, "let's keep going though." Right after he said that Itzai came upon a chest. He opened it and much to his surprise, out popped a ring! "Neat, a dinger from a chest!" "Good one, Hamster," added Kshira. "Verily, 'tis." The rest of the level was full of large squads of Hell Spawn. The Hell Spawn made combat quite painful, but the brave Bushidos did well. Even though Kshira had reached a new level, it was decided that level 16 would be too painful and up a town portal the duo went to identify their prizes. "Greetings, my friend, stay awhile and listen," said Cain. "First thing's first, why DO you greet me like that ALL THE TIME?" asked Itzai. "Well, it all started a long time ago. I was but a young fellow and decided that I wanted to trademark an expression. I did, but I must greet everyone I meet with that phrase or else it will be taken from me by the trademark nymphs," explained Cain. "Oh... Eh? Trademark nymphs?" But before Cain could answer, Kshira made a gesture as if to remind the Hamster that Cain was in-the-sauce. Cain noticed the gesture and then winked a knowing wink at Itzai, as if to say that Kshira was simply ignorant of the situation. The Hamster smiled and nodded to appease the elderly fellow. "Well, Cain, I've got a ring for you to identify. Here's the 100 gold first, as you always want," spoke the Hamster as he handed Cain the gold. "Young Hamster, what you have here is called a Ruby Ring of the Zodiac. This particular one grants fifty-two percent resistance to fire and strengthens you in every aspect by nineteen points," explained Cain. "HOLY $***! Kshira, t-the d-d-ding... it's a... a... Ruby Ring of the Zodiac!" squeaked the Hamster as he hopped up and down excitedly. "Wow, that's nice. The Ruby part is really helpful," commented Kshira. "I'll say. Good thing it's not 'of heaven's,' only Bushido of the Way of the Heavens can use those." Itzai rambled, still taking in the overwhelming truth that he'd actually found such a nice item. Both fighters walked to Griswold for repairs, and Kshira suddenly had an exclamation of his own. "Wow! Griswold has a Meteoric Katana of Slaying!... 106,000 gold though," spoke Kshira. "I have lots of money. Want some?" "No, I don't accept gifts from other people." "But I'm technically not a 'people.'... Oh... *cough* my purse feels lighter. I think I dropped some gold but I can't seem to find it. Oh well. *hinthint*" "Hehe, silly Hamster. I'm going to the caves to earn the money." "I'll go fight on in Hell. I'll call you when I find Sir Gorash." The two fighters separated and went on their killing sprees. Kshira was delighted with the bottom of the Caves for it contained the easy-to-slay Blood Claws. Itzai Bitzai slew Advocates with ease but had to step-and-slash when Blood Knights appeared. Once Sir Gorash was sighted, Itzai called to Kshira. Sir Gorash was then slain easily by both fighters' work. 'Twas obvious that Sir Gorash was overconfident with his cowardly little shield. Behind it he cannot hide from death! Itzai Bitzai had reached the end of level 16. He decided that it was time to kill Diablo, but first he felt much RAGE toward the Butcher. Itzai went back to town, stripped off his equipment, and walked to the Butcher's chamber. "Gargh, fresh meat!" grumbled the Butcher as his chamber door swung open. *SLUG!* was the reply from the Hamster's paw. The Butcher nearly tumbled over backwards. *THWACK!* *THUD!* Two more hits and Butcher was down for the count! Itzai Bitzai thought he would feel better after that, but he then felt RAGE towards Leoric. The Hamster had blood lust and sniffed out Leoric very easily. The King was at the head of his army of darkness and took the first of the Hamster's attacks. *CRUNCH!* Bone cracked from a powerful Hamster paw. *RATTLE!* Another landed blow made Leoric stagger backwards. *CRUNCH!CRACK!* Two precise hits and the Skeleton King shattered! Itzai Bitzai's rage subsided. He re-equipped his gear and walked back to town. "Kshira, it's 'D' time," spoke the Hamster. "Good, I think I have enough gold for that Katana now," replied Kshira. "Verily! May it serve you well!" exclaimed Itzai. Kshira bought the Katana. "Wow, I do two less damage with it, but it's still good." "It is." After a brief pause Kshira wailed, "NO!" "W-what? Lag juju didn't kill the Katana, did it?" "It did..." "Nooo! That angers me. Diablo MUST DIE... NOW!" Itzai felt his rage building. "Yes, let's go." The Bushido then traveled down a portal and arrived on the level that contained Diablo. Itzai Bitzai now felt uncontrollable RAGE toward Diablo and put his sword into his pack. After setting a backup portal, the Bushido opened Diablo's chamber. The Hamster was the lure. He lured out knights and the team slew them. Then they lured out Diablo. They ran to a room with two switches and awaited the Dark Lord's arrival. Arrive he did, but with him he brought knights! Itzai and Kshira valiantly attacked Diablo, hoping against hope to slay him before their potions ran out. Yet with the help of the knights, the two Bushido were overcome. Not only that, but during the battle Kshira's armor took many hard hits and Kshira, in mid battle, had to repair it! Still, these two bad omens did not keep them from returning to the battle field! Back down the portal they went, luring the knights away and slaying them. The determined Bushidos wanted Diablo alone this time, and at last he was! They flanked him! Punch after punch, slice after slice, Diablo fell with a mighty scream and he rained blood upon the brave warriors! * * * Diablo lies dead once again. The townspeople rejoice. Itzai Bitzai is brought before Rascal(HAM) to be Knighted. "Greetings, my lord," spoke Itzai as he gave a Hamsterish bow. "Ah! Good show, my lad, good show! You gave him a walloping for all of us, didn't you!" declared Rascal. "T-that I did, Sire. Am... am I to be knighted?" Itzai timidly spoke. "I'm afraid that I cannot yet knight you, Itzai." "W-what??" "You haven't passed the Bushido trial for Knighthood." "WHAT?! I killed the Lord of Terror with my fists and THAT isn't good enough?!" "Not for the Bushido; you must slay the Dark Lord without aid." "That means I have to do it again. That really sucks." "So it does. Go!" Itzai scampered away and returned to Ogden's. Ogden's variants table wasn't extremely busy that day. Rather quiet it was. Itzai sat for a minute or two when an ARCH entered. "Wow, I just found two Royal Circlets, The Grandfather, and The Grizzly all in one dungeon!" exclaimed the ARCH. "*drool* The Grandfather..." muttered Itzai. "Yeah, Tazaki's gonna flip when I give it to him," spoke the ARCH. "You're Tazaki? The Bushido?!" "Yes. Will you hold some stuff so I can give it to him?" "Verily!" Itzai scampered over to Cain's fountain and awaited the ARCH. "Hold this Grandfather and the Grizzly, I'll go get Taz," spoke the ARCH as he approached. "Ok, but I don't like the way the Grizzly is looking at me..." said Itzai timidly. "Hehe, you'll be fine," said the ARCH as he left. Itzai waited and soon the other Bushido came. "Greetings!" exclaimed Itzai. "Same to you," spoke Tazaki. "Your stuff is near Cain." "Thanks." The two Bushido decided that Lazarus should be slain and that Itzai should achieve his Bushido Knighthood. Thus down they went into the depths, slaying much yet finding little. At last they had slain Lazarus and descended to layer 16 of Hell. "Lets get rid of all these Knights. I hate Knights," said Itzai, but Tazaki was already slicing away. Sir Gorash was found, yet he was slain so quickly that Itzai only noticed Sir Gorash was dead after Tazaki had slain him. Itzai felt his damage was puny compared to the lower level Bushido's, yet he knew that the might of Hamsters does not bloom until later. Soon it was time for Diablo. "I flipped the final switch," said Itzai Bitzai. "I'll handle his Blood Knights, and you take Him," responded Tazaki. "Yeah, ok." Itzai and Tazaki assaulted the horde of demons head on. Tazaki was slain quickly and Itzai fell soon after. This was no bad omen for Itzai had only run out of potions, as had Tazaki. They returned to Diablo and assaulted the chamber again. Itzai attacked Diablo exclusively. "Arrg! He keeps knocking me backwards... I can't get hits in!" yelled Itzai. "B... b.. busy!" Tazaki yelled back. Itzai died quickly at the hands of Diablo, the knocking back was too much for the Hamster. He decided to try something else. After restocking potions, Itzai Bitzai lured Diablo into a corner area where there was lots of walls. Itzai backed himself into a corner¹ and started slicing away with his Katana. The Dark Lord's knockback attacks were foiled! The Hamster could neither be knocked back a step nor knocked through the wall and thus had a nearly-continuous stream of damage going into the Dark Lord. Without warning, Diablo roared and blood spewed from his chest. Itzai cleaved him in two at the torso and the top half hit the floor with a squishy thud. As Itzai approached it and it started shrinking. It became a small boy with a rock jabbed into his head. Itzai reached down and extracted the rock. "DO IT!" a roaring voice from within the stone echoed in his mind. A force not his own thrust the sharp stone into Itzai Bitzai's head. No blood came from the wound. It seemed to close up and welcome the new object. Itzai's eyes started bleeding. He thrashed and shouted. Something was inside of his mind. Seeking to stay alive, Itzai downed his last healing potion hoping that it would help. The Hamster fell unconscious. ¹: Regarding "Itzai backed himself into a corner," real Hamsters, when threatened, will sometimes run into corners, flip on their backs, bear their teeth, and hiss. This was a verily Hamsterish way to slay Diablo :o] Part 7: The Asylum Itzai Bitzai awoke lying in a bed in an unfamiliar room. The only illumination came from a candle on the nightstand. The candle flickered, fighting to survive in such a drafty, candle-malignant environment. Uneasy about potentially losing the light, Itzai got up to shut an open window from which a breeze was blowing. Itzai stopped before closing the window and peered out. He could tell that he was many floors up. He'd never seen this building before. It scared him. It very much reminded him of the church tower in Tristram, yet was somehow much darker... more evil. What could be viewed of the countryside was little as a dense fog hung over the land. The drawstring of the window curtains was hanging out the window and ran along the wall until it was lost in a layer of fog. Itzai became nervous and promptly closed the window. After he shut the window, Itzai noticed that he was lacking all of his equipment. Everything was missing. His beloved Katana of Gore, his sparking chain mail, his gold... He was even shaven. He was buck naked! Where in blazes was he?... And what twisted being shaved him?! "H-hello? Is anyone here? Does anyone hear me?" Itzai spoke cautiously, for such a tone seemed appropiate given the situation. It was very unlike the dark burrows he was used to - and at least they were warm. "I am hereee," came a barely audible voice. It sounded quite distant. Itzai walked timidly over to his doorway. The door was opened; he didn't like that. The stone floor was cold and damp on his paws. He shivered. "Where are you? W-why did you shear off my fur?" asked Itzai. "I am out here. Come," replied the voice. It sounded nearer. It began to rain. Itzai somewhat liked the rain. It drowned out some of the creepiness of the strange place. Thunder rumbled and shook the building. This made Itzai feel a bit woozy. Lightning flashed in the distance and lit up the room. In that flash of light, Itzai saw that his room had a painting hung on the wall across from his bed. The painting seemed to be of some strange man wearing a black mask. He had a very honorable look about him. Itzai had never seen such a person before, though he thought that the man resembled Sir Anthony Hopkins. Itzai wasn't sure who Sir Hopkins was or where the thought even came from. Itzai was frightened and looked for the owner of the voice again. The Hamster peered out into the hall. It was empty. Lightning struck again and lit up nearly every room, nook, and cranny that was in Itzai's view. He could see that there were rooms in both directions down an endless hallway. There was no light anywhere when the illumination dissipated, except for the light from the candle. Itzai crept back into his room, shut the door, and locked it. "Voice, where are you?" asked Itzai. *tap* Itzai jumped into a corner and gave the room a quick look-over to see where the noise had come from. *tap* *tap* *tappity* *tap* *tap* Itzai stared at the window and twitched his ears toward it. Slowly, he crept closer to it. Looking out the window, he could barely see anything at all. The glare from the candle obscured view of the outside, then Itzai noticed wetness streaking down the pane. "*sigh* Oh, it's just rain," spoke Itzai aloud. Thunder shook the building yet again. "Aiee!" Itzai squealed and scampered under the bed. He slowly peered out. "Oh, you silly Hamster... it's just thunder." *tap* *tap* *tap* *CRASH!* "Oh! I hate thunder," Itzai muttered to himself. He then decided that he'd best try to sleep off this eerie night rather than stay awake. The rain would hopefully lull him to sleep before any more rumbles of thunder. A short while later the voice returned, "Where did you go?" "I-I'm still here, Voice," the Hamster awoke. He quickly decided that perhaps it was better to stay awake, "Voice, where are you? I looked in the hall yet I saw not even a ghost." "I am where I've been since I started speaking to you," replied the voice. "Uh... and where's that?" asked the Hamster, becoming more determined to find out where this being was. "Don't worry; you'll see me soon," responded the voice, even nearer this time. *crreeak* The window shifted upwards a bit. Itzai instantly spun towards it, leapt out from under the bed, and shut the window again. Within moments the window had moved again. *crreeak* The window moved suddenly upwards. This time the Hamster could tell that the drawstring was pushing up the window. When Itzai reached for the window to shut it again, a hand clasped the window sill. "EEP!!" squealed the frightened Hamster. He could now see a strange man clutching the drawstring as if he had been climbing it. He was attempting to climb into the room! Without thinking, Itzai pushed up the window with all his might and then slammed it as hard as he could on the man's hand. *THWACK!* The window came down on the man's hand! "!@#!" the man swore viciously. Itzai recognized the mysterious voice. *THWACK!* Again the window was slammed down! "I'm gonna get you..." muttered the man while attempting to put a leg into the window. "I-I..." Itzai stumbled for a battlecry of some sort. "I AM ZORRO!!!" Itzai squealed with a shrill scream, almost as if he was singing it. He knew not who or what a "zorro" was, however. *THWACK!*SLAM!*THUD!*CRACK!* The window slammed again and again and again and again! A thunder crash shook the building and lightning illuminated the scene. The Hamster's eyes filled with brilliant blue-white light and he lost consciousness. Part 8: Confusion Itzai Bitzai awoke in a room at what smelled like Ogden's. He was alone in a darkness engulfed everything. The darkness reminded him of the drafty stone room and fearing that he was back there, Itzai let out a yelp. Cain hobbled into the room and quickly lit a candle. Suddenly for some reason, Itzai remembered his ordeal with Diablo and the stone. He quickly ran his paws over his forehead trying to find any trace of the strange rock. He found nothing. "Greetings, my friend, stay a while and listen... What's that you're looking for, Hamster?" asked the old man. "Cain, doesn't that seem a little inappropriate to say at the moment?" asked Itzai. Then remembering Cain's question he added, "Um, I wasn't looking for anything. I, uh, wondered if it was time for a fur trim..." And with that Itzai checked to make sure that he did indeed have fur. "Fur trim, eh?" spoke Cain. "Hmm, no matter. You very well know my greeting is inappropriate. I didn't put thought into it when I trademarked that greeting. Anyway, this is a room at Ogden's Tavern, Hamster. And *ahem* I'm glad to see you're awake because I've been meaning to tell you that Pixips are now sold only in dozens at 12,000 gold. That's per Pixip, mind you. 144,000 gold for a dozen," responded Cain with an added sales pitch. "WHAT?!?!? That's obscene! What kind of business is that!?" asked Itzai nearly shouting. "Well, it's not like I need more Pixips right now anyway." "Yes, you do," Cain remarked with a somewhat evil grin. "No, I have seven Pixips left." "No, you don't," Cain grinned more broadly. "You see, the Pixips that you had were frightened by something and all fled into one of your healing flasks. How did they get there, you ask? They wiggled through the corks and started floating in the fluid. Once there, they started dissolving and it goes from there." "Wait, how do you know?" "It was obvious from your state of mind when Tazaki dragged you out from Hell that you had ingested a potion laced with dissolved Pixips." "What happens when they dissolve?" "They become extremely potent, sometimes nourishing a person for months. Unfortunately, they have different effects on different people and beings. You fell unconscious shortly after being dragged to town. But when I eat too many dissolved Pixips, I become delusional. Things like that." "I--," started Itzai. "You? You what? Something happened?" interrupted Cain as if he was anticipating a story. Itzai thought it was eerie how Cain seemed to be clairvoyant at times. "Well, I don't remember much, but I do remember..." with that, Itzai relayed his tale about slaying Diablo and stone building. Cain was very interested in the whole thing. "Hmm, it sounds familiar yet I cannot place the place..." spoke Cain after thinking for awhile. "Would you like some more Pixips now?" "*sigh* How is it you always say the wrong thing? No, not now. I think I'll go speak with someone who isn't crazy," spoke the upset Hamster. He had expected Cain would be someone who would understand him, or at least someone who wouldn't give a sales pitch. "Hmm? Someone who isn't crazy, you say?" Cain asked and then erupted in laughter. His eyes were glowing with an eerie red glow and his back erupted in spikes. His face contorted and sharp spiky teeth emerged. His skin flushed blood red. Cain was no longer Cain. Cain was Diablo, Dark Lord of Terror. "FIEND! You bastard!" Itzai squealed while drawing his blade, finding that he had his equipment. "I will kill you AGAIN and AGAIN so that I can finally rid your wretched vestige from existence!" The Hamster leapt from his chair and swung his katana at the beast. The small room could barely contain the both of them - more so the beast than the beastie. Then from out of nowhere, a large figure jumped into the Hamster and sent him on an unexpected trip as he fell screaming from an open window¹. Landing on moist dewy grass, Itzai felt outmatched by his unknown attacker and ran from Ogden's Tavern. Itzai didn't travel far when he came upon a bridge. He crossed the bridge and found himself standing in a serene meadow. The few trees that dotted the landscape blew gently in the breeze. A large rock was the blemish on the otherwise perfect landscape. Near that large rock was a small headstone shaped like a cross. Itzai was saddened by headstone, such a dismal symbol in a tranquil place. It was much nicer place to be buried than the cemetery though, the Hamster reasoned. Itzai approached the stone. "*MOO* Hello, strange furry person," spoke a wispy child's voice. Itzai looked around and then spoke, "What? Who are you? Are you hiding behind that tomb?" "What? No, I'm in the *MOO* tomb, silly," responded the child. "Y-you're dead?" "Yes, don't you know? *MOO*" "Know...? Um, who are you?" "I am... *MOO* I don't remember any more. I live here. *MOO* I've always lived here. Who are you?" "I am a Hamster. I'm somewhat new here." "You should go speak to Moommy. She knows *MOO* lots of stuff. She'll help you out, Mr. Hamster! I gotta go now. Bye! *MOO*" A cold chill swept through the meadow and then the voice was gone. Itzai was quite confused by this conversation, and he was weary of unseen voices. Itzai turned around and looked to see where the spirit might have gone. He saw only a hut in the distance, so he wandered toward it. ¹: last part of sentence is a "Weird Al" lyric. I thought it fit :o] Part 9: Refuge Itzai approached a small shanty and noticed it had a bubbling cauldron nearby. The area seemed to radiate magic. Itzai felt as if he was being watched. "I sense a soul in search of answers," spoke the raspy voice of an unseen woman. "You've got that right. Where are you? You're not like that voice I heard in the meadow, are you? You aren't d-dead, right?" asked Itzai. A woman dressed in all black stepped out from behind the cauldron, "Dead? Voice in the meadow? *GASP!* You spoke with Mooita?!" "Huh?" "Mooita! My calf - err - daughter! You spoke with her? How can that be... unless... Stranger, stand still a moment while I attempt something," commanded the woman. Itzai stood still, trusting the lady for some unknown reason, perhaps it was because he was still trying to understand what was going on. Itzai was just about to start asking questions when a flash of light erupted from the woman's hand. "I see it now!" exclaimed the woman. "You have Him inside of you! Bad or good, that is yet to be known. It does link you to the Dead Realm, though. Tell me, have you seen anything lately? Hallucinations or other things out of the ordinary, perhaps? Any unusual dreams?" "Uh..." seemed to be the best that Itzai Bitzai could come up with. He was a very confused little Hamster. "Hmm, come into my cottage, I'll take care of you for a day and help you to understand what I'm talking about. Come!" said the woman. And Itzai, having no strength to refuse, followed her into the shack and fell asleep on a pile of straw. The next morning was sunny and warm. The strange woman was outside brewing something in the cauldron. It smelled quite good, too. Itzai got up and stepped outside. "I sense a soul in search of answers," greeted the woman. "Hello. *sniffsniff* Is that food?" asked a hungry Hamster. "Food? No! This is the stewing carcass of one of my kin. It is no food!" exclaimed the woman. "Oh, sorry... Eww, one of your kin?... Um, I don't think I ever introduced myself I am--," began Itzai. "Yes, you are Itzai Bitzai, the Knighted Bushdio Hamster. Well, you aren't knighted yet but you have accomplished your goals now, haven't you? Yes, yes, you have. I know much more about you than you might think, Hamster," interrupted the hut-dweller. "Um, yeah that pretty much sums me up..." came the best reply Itzai could find. "Ah! That it doesn't! You have much potential, Itzai, much potential. I am here to help you achieve that potential. Well, that and I guard my precious Mooita," said the woman very encouragingly. "I've been the one transporting you to your house a moment before you die. That way you're safe, at least to a degree." "Wow, someone who actually sees something in me! That's great! You even called me by my name instead of just 'Hamster' like everybody else!!" exclaimed the excited Hamster. "Wait, you aren't going to sell me some magazine subscription or something are you?" he added. The woman laughed and dropped a few "Business Reply Mail" slips, which she quickly gathered up and tossed into the cauldron. "No, no. Not at all. I do have some things you may find useful though. That is not the matter at hand, however, as I must introduce myself." spoke the lady. "I am Adria the Witch." "Ok, but who is Mooita?" "My calf - err - daughter." "She's dead?" "No, only living impaired." Not seeking to anger the woman, Itzai didn't question further. "Can you help me with something?" "I was hoping you'd ask! What is it?" Adria asked very eagerly. "I haven't bathed in days. Got a tub around here?" Adria frowned and with a wave of her hands, cast a spell that cleansed the Hamster. "Better?" "Ohh, much!" said Itzai. He raised his arm and sniffed, "I smell minty, too!" "Erm..." "Thankee." "Isn't there something else? A dream, perhaps?" "Dream?" "Dammit, you ARE feeble-minded aren't you!!" "Um... does this mean I don't have potential anymore?" "Why do I always have to work with rodents!?!?" screamed Adria, looking into her cauldron and shaking her fists. Itzai then noticed something he found interesting, "Why do you have a white streak through your hair? Are you a cow-person?" "That I am! I can't believe you're the first to notice." "Really?" "Yes," she said, finally smiling. "Now, tell me what happened after you killed Diablo, Lord of Terror." "Um, I took this rock from his head and then I felt this force shove it into my head. Cain said that my Pixips got scared and ran into one of my potion bottles, and I ended up drinking that potion bottle, but I didn't tell Cain what it was that made me drink the potion bottle - which was the fear of dying from the rock shoved into my head. Anyhow, I woke up in this stone building..." Itzai finally told Adria what she wanted to hear. "Pixips?! Oh, no! Cain is peddling those wretched things again?! I told him to stop!! This time..." Adria said with fury, sparks flew from her eyes and then subsided. "All in due time though." "Pixips are bad?" "Yes, they're an addictive form of feces that often induces hallucinations," explained Adria. "But lets get back to the stone building. What you had was called a 'dream.' A 'dream' is like living while you're sleeping. Dreams can do many things. Sometimes they tell the future, sometimes they help you figure things out, and sometimes - this is very rarely, mind you - they will tell you the lucky lotto numbers!" "What is a lotto?" "Did you see any numbers in your dream?" "Not that I can remember..." "Then it is unimportant," spoke the witch. "Now, I don't exactly know what your dream foretold, but I think it has something to do with Diablo clawing at the dark recesses of your mind. He was probably trying to get to you by scaring you. But defeated him... at least that time you did. How did you end up at my hut?" "Hmm, I woke up in Ogden's and then while I was talking to Cain he sprouted spikes and turned into Diablo. Then I went on an unexpected trip by falling screaming from an open window after being slammed into by something," explained Itzai. "Ah! Cain was not Diablo, Hamster. Cain was still Cain. Diablo was distorting your perception of reality, which was already weakened from all the Pixips you ingested. He is at his strongest in dreams and when you are first waking from sleep," spoke Adria. "You say you spoke to my Mooita?" "Yes, I did. It was creepy speaking to a ghost. She kept mooing, too," replied Itzai. "Of course she moo'd, she is part cow! Yes... I've been trying to contact her for a long time now, yet it has all been to no avail. You can speak with her, yes? Will you, Honor Hamster?" "Um... alright," agreed the Hamster. The two then left the shanty and walked to the meadow where Itzai heard Mooita's voice. The grass still sparkled with morning dew and birds were chirping. Itzai was somewhat unnerved by the presence of the birds... he kept a cautious eye out for birds of prey. Adria noticed his caution and explained that nothing can die in Mooita's Meadow as it was protected by magic. They approached the tombstone. "*MOO* Hello again, fuzzy Hamster person!" greeted the spirit. "H-hello, Mooita," greeted the Hamster. "Who is Mooita?" "Um... aren't you Mooita?" "I don't know." "Hamster, are you talking to Mooita right now?" asked Adria. "Yes, I think so anyway," replied Itzai. He then noticed a small cowish child sitting atop the tombstone. "She's right over there," Itzai pointed at the cross. Adria did not reply. The spirit sitting upon the tomb wondered who Itzai was talking to. Itzai took his cue and became a life-death communicator. "What does your mommy look like, child?" asked Itzai. "*MOO* Moommy looks like a moommy." "Erm, I mean, did she have any distinguishing features?" "Udders?" "Uh, I didn't check... Did she have a white streak in her hair?" "Yes! That's Moommy!" "This is your Mommy that I'm with, and your name is Mooita." "Moommy , do you see me? Can you hear me? *MOO* I can't see you, Moommy? Why can't I see you now?" questioned Mooita. "*MOO*" Adria did not respond. There was a silence except for another *MOO*. "Mooita wants to know if you can see or hear her. Due to lack of response, I doubt it... do you have an idea about why she can't see you?" spoke Itzai. "Nay, I neither see nor hear my calf - err - daughter. Ask her if she could see me any other time," said the witch. Itzai relayed the question. "*MOO* I can see Moommy when she is at her magic pot," replied Mooita. Itzai relayed the answer. "AH! I reason that Mooita can only see me when I'm working my magic... so it is at least partially successful. If only I could get it to show me the dead and allow conversation... Oh well, tell Mooita of your quest, Itzai." Itzai did as he was told. "*MOO* You must be brave! I want to be brave too! I'm coming with you next time!" exclaimed Mooita. "Erm... you want to go with me?" "Yes! *MOO* Yes, yes! *MOO* I want to *MOO* go with you *MOO*." "Mooita might be helpful while accompanying you, Itzai," spoke Adria. "If she wants to go, allow her to accompany you. The living impaired can be quite helpful." "Alright then..." began Itzai. "Nay! Alright, NOW! You must leave now! But Beware! Beware the denizens of the labyrinth for they are much stronger than they were before! Beware Pixips! Beware nude drunks! Beware!" spoke Adria in what Itzai thought was the scariest tone she could have possibly used. "EEP! I don't want to beware... I just want to go home," whined Itzai. "*sigh* I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this..." muttered Adria to herself. "Itzai! Itzai! There's a King's Katana of Haste in Arch-Bishop Lazarus' chamber! Go get it, Hamster! Go get it!" Adria's lie worked and Itzai Bitzai scampered off to Hell in search of the King's Katana of Haste. After a series of *MOOs* Mooita floated after him. Part 10: The Company Itzai Bitzai returned to Ogden's Tavern and Mooita waited outside. Cain saw the Hamster but turned and quickly walked the other way. Even Griswold was looking at Itzai strangely. It seemed that no one would speak with him. Itzai sat down at the Variants' table. "Shalom," greeted ChariShalom, a peace-loving Sorcerer. "Verily, greetings to you as well, Charis," returned Itzai. "Hmm, there are more than a few people around here named 'Charis.' Must be a popular name or something." Itzai thought to himself. "Anyone up for a trip into the labyrinth?" Charis asked to any listeners. "Verily, *HAMSTER* a trip would be nice," spoke Itzai. "I'll go," spoke a Gothic Mage, Solestri. With no more words than that, they were off. They walked outside and got ready for descent into the labyrinth. The team decided that jumping right into Hell would be the best way to go. Counselors and Fire Drakes assaulted them. The Sorcerers had little trouble it seemed, though Itzai would down 3 red potions just on one snake. Mooita sat by watching for anything that might try a sneak attack. Still, the team did fine and decided to take the staircase they had just found since there was no boss to challenge them on the current level. Mooita was sent to scout. Itzai wondered if the others would notice him speaking with Mooita from time to time. He decided that it'd be best for Mooita to use hand signals when talking to Itzai. They ended up not speaking much, though, for the battles they faced were very rough and Itzai had little time to watch for anything but incoming blades. This level of Hell consisted of more Fire Drakes, but in place of Counselors there was Steel Lords. Solestri found the next set of steps for the others and created a Town Portal on the dungeon floor below. Sadly, confusion arose and Solestri returned to 14 in order to kill the leader of the Steel Lords while the Hamster and Charis proceeded to the Chamber of Lazarus. Red Vex, Black Jade, ArchBishop Lazarus all fell to the team of Charis, Itzai, and a peace-keeping Golem. Charis' golem was mighty brave. Itzai remembered something fellow rodent LemmingofGlory had once told him, and Lemming had learned that nugget of wisdom from his own muppety mentor. " 'A Warrior is nothing more than a Golem with a birth defect,' " the words rang clearly in Itzai's mind. "Perhaps that means that Golem is a close cousin to me," Itzai thought. He was then glad to see the stony beast pummeling monsters with him side-by-side. Still, Itzai kept thinking about the quotation and a discussion about it arose. Charis had different thoughts on the matter but decided not to challenge the Hamster with sensible logic. Solestri seemed to think that the statement was a load of bunk because Warriors can use magic. Itzai told him that the birth defect was more of a mutation and thus an evolution of the Golem. It made sense to Itzai if no one else, and Mooita thought it was quite humorous. By the time their discussion had ended it was time to go find Diablo. Itzai and Charis descended the steps to the last layer of Hell. They had a rather rough time with the nightmarish Blood Knights. Itzai wished the level was completely Advocates, simply for ease, but that would be the coward's way out. Besides, as it was the level was chuck full of cowardly, pansy knights led by the nefarious Sir Gorash! Thanks to Itzai's tracking skills, the fiend was soon found. Itzai dueled Sir Gorash, cowardly shield-user. Charis would heal the Hamster during the battle. He would have cursed Sir Gorash in stone if Itzai's power with the Katana had been less, but the brave furry warrior needed no such pampering. He was glad to be taking the hits, though equally glad to have such a fine healer with him. The evil knight ravaged Itzai's armor. It was nearing destruction when the fiend finally fell. Both Itzai and Charis returned to town to find that Solestri had fully laid waste to the 14th layer of Hell in order to avenge his deaths. After repairs and buying masses of potions, the team descended back to Diablo's lair. Itzai learned that Solestri had found a Stormshield and had been immediately promoted to Gothic Master. The shield, while the symbol of cowardice to Itzai, was a great boon to the Gothic hero and to the team. Mooita had followed the team the whole way. Seeking to help Itzai, she went into the body of Solestri without the Goth's knowing. She hoped that Diablo would try to attack her first. Apparently Diablo has a grudge against Adria and all cowfolk. Slaying even an undead cow would make him happy. Mooita's trick it worked. The Dark Lord of Terror attacked Solestri nonstop. Solestri's mighty shield blocked the onslaught, thus allowing Golem and the Hamster to tear large gashes of flesh from the fiend's side. Eventually, it was all over. It seemed that a Solestri's Stormshield deserved many thanks for had Solestri's block speed been less, the Lord of Terror might have had his way with this strange selection of slayers. As it was, the Lord of Terror was spewing forth his blood upon the heroes while they stood by and watched him die. "*MOOOOOOOOOOO*" moo'd Mooita through Solestri's mouth. Charis looked strangely at the Goth in the few seconds remaining before they would have to extract the Soulstone from Diablo's head. Itzai smiled at the noise. They had won... this time. Part 11: The Grand Land of Bovinity! Itzai returned to the meadow with Mooita. They had a good laugh about how she had been able to make Solestri moo. They were still laughing when Adria approached. "I sense a soul in search of answers," spoke the witch. "Oh no, you didn't trademark an expression too, did you?" asked Itzai. "Yes I did, don't you like it?" asked Adria with a frown. "It's not that so much as it is Cain had a trademarked expression too and his was horrible... bad correlation, not bad greeting," explained Itzai. "Ah! Well, we have little to do and so much time. After we do what I plan, we will have little time and so much to do! Come! I now take you to speak with the Council of Bovinity," said Adria. The witch led the Hamster back to her cottage. She walked to one side of her cauldron and then motioned for Itzai to stand around the other side. Mooita floated next to Itzai. "Look into the cauldron, Itzai! Stare deeply at your reflection until again you hear my voice speaking to you," Adria commanded. Itzai stared into the cauldron. He looked at himself. He thought that he could use a shower. He heard Adria speaking some strange syllables, but he ignored them as he stared happily at himself. "You're not too bad a Hamster are you, me?" thought Itzai. "Nay, you are quite a Hamsterly Hamster, me," he replied to himself. Suddenly, two holes appeared in his handsome Hamsterly head. Large red stones began to protrude. He was bleeding! He could see his blood dripping into the cauldron! His face started to contort. He could see himself changing into some large red beast. Itzai was about to scream when Adria called to him. "Hamster, awaken!" shouted Adria. "Clap on, clap off! CLAP OFF!" "W-what? I-I-I-" stammered Itzai. "He was playing with your mind again, Itzai. But my spell worked too quickly for Him to get full control of you, did it not?" asked Adria. "I... saw Him," spoke Itzai. "Oh, I feared as much. He has become quite strong now, Itzai. Come! You must speak with the Council," spoke Adria. "Where?" asked Itzai. "In Kingdom Cow," replied Adria. "Oh. What's that?" asked Itzai. "Kingdom Cow is the place where everything bovine is kept safe. If something were to go wrong here, it could spell disaster for all cows everywhere," answered Adria. "It's where we are now. You didn't notice?" Itzai then looked around. They no longer stood near the witch's hut. They were in some wonderful field, but Mooita wasn't there... The emerald grass sparkled with dew. A cool breeze was blowing. The only bad thing about the place was the smell. It smelled of manure. "Adria, what's that stench?" asked Itzai. "Stench? What stench?" replied Adria. Itzai then reasoned that it was a cow thing, after all that one's own poop doesn't stink like another's poop does. Itzai thought of breathing through his mouth then decided that he didn't want to taste the stench as well as smell it. He kept his mouth shut. The pair walked for a minute or two when they came upon a large wall of grass. The single blades of this grass were as large as a man is wide and three times as tall. The wall continued in a circle and they walked around it until they came upon a gate that they could enter. Adria halted. "Hamster, if you have any hatred of cows or cowfolk, speak it now. If you hate bovine, these gates will kill you. These are the Gates of Bovinity. They smite all that would do ill to cowfolk. Do you have any hatred of my kind?" spoke the witch suddenly looking much more cowish than before. "Um... not hatred really. S***-Spot and the other two tied me to a tree on my first day here so I'm upset about that..." answered Itzai honestly. Adria laughed heartily, "Ah! Would you kill them or maim them for such an action?" "No... I might want to get them back for it though." "Well, cowfolk have always been able to give and take practical jokes. You are pure of anti-bovinic thoughts, Hamster. Enter." Itzai crossed the threshold of Bovinity and received a grand idea about how exactly to get back at the 3 cows once he returned to Tristram. Adria crossed with haste and grabbed the Hamster by an arm. "Come, we must make haste; no time for grazing¹!" They walked speedily through a brilliant green pasture until they came to a raised mound. The mound seemed to be a cowish building. It had hoofprints near certain areas and an unreadable sign was posted close by. Itzai could see no visible door and just as he was wondering how they would enter, Adria moo'd and a hole in the ground opened up. Adria led the way down the hole. The interior of the mound was quite nice and a cool breeze blew. It was made of solid marble tinted an emerald green color. Running water could be heard in the distance. It smelled nice and clean within the mound. Adria pulled the awestruck Hamster down the tunnel along with her. They passed many hallways that went to warm baths. Large bovines could be heard moo'ing contentedly down the hallways. Itzai wished that he could relax. Adria suddenly stopped and turned to face Itzai. "Hamster, we are at the door to the Council of Bovinity. Watch your step," spoke Adria. She swung the door open and they walked into a large, dark room. Itzai tripped and tumbled down a stairway pulling Adria along with him. ¹: "Time for grazing" is the Bovine equivalent to "stop and smell the roses." So Adria's saying "There's no time to stop and smell the roses." Part 12: The Grand Council of Bovinity The pair landed at the bottom of the stairway. The dark room was suddenly illuminated. The interior was seen to be a circular arena. A pool was in the center that was fed by a sparkling stream. Pillars lined the wall and between each pillar sat an obese bovine. Each cow was wearing a crown with a differently colored gem in the center. Adria quickly stood up and pulled Itzai to his paws as well. The witch then morphed into a cow and approached the pool. "*MOO* Greetings to the Grand Council of Bovinity! *MOO*" spoke Adria. Itzai could now see where Mooita got that moo'ing thing from. The gems within the crowns of the cows glowed. Each cow seemed to speak at once, "Well greeted, Adria Driaa Riaad Iaadr Aadri. We see that you have brought us a chosen one as per our request. Good," there was a pause. "Now you have earned enough Cowchips to buy the Grasstoaster Oven. Do you wish to spend your Cowchips now or spend your Cowchips later?" "Adria Driaa Riaad Iaadr Aadri has decided to spend Adria Driaa Riaad Iaadr Aadri's Cowchips later, esteemed Council!" replied the groveling cow-witch. "So be it," spoke the Council. "Bring forth the chosen." Adria walked back to Itzai and pushed him towards the Council. He stepped forward timidly. "The Grand Council of Bovinity has decided that you are to venture forth into the depths of the Tristramian labyrinth once more, Hamster. Smite the Dark Lord of Terror a third time and all shall be cowish again!" spoke the cows. "*MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!* It has been decided that you are to receive help to prepare you for your mission, Hamster. Come forth!" the Council boomed. Rascal jumped out from behind one of the large crowned cows. "Heyas, Itzai. It's time to be knighted, you know," said Rascal. "Knighted!? Really? Finally! Yay!" replied Itzai. "Now, curl up into a ball and shut your eyes," said Rascal. "*MOO*" Itzai Bitzai did as instructed. *KICK!* Itzai went flying into the pool! "H-help! Help!" cried the Hamster. The Council did nothing but laugh at his plight. The Hamster that Itzai had thought was Rascal was actually S***-Spot under a devious bovine-disguising enchantment. Her disguise had fallen off. She had gotten Itzai back before he could even get back at her. *FZZZZOOOM!* A fireball hit S***-Spot and turned her into steak. "Ohh, crispy!" said the unseen caster appraising his work. *PHZZT!* A magely figure teleported to Itzai's side. " 'Ello, Hamster :o]" spoke the Sorcerer. "EEP! Don't eat me!" wailed Itzai. "Hehe, I won't eat you. Besides, that'd almost be cannibalism. Get up. Come with me," instructed the scary juju mage. Itzai wouldn't budge. The mage grabbed Itzai by the loose skin of his neck and pulled him out of the water. The mage then walked to the edge of the pool and plopped Itzai down on the marble tile. The Council recovered themselves and became extremely furious, "*MOO!* Who be ye to ruin our ceremony?!" "I be the Lemming of Glory, you yummy steak-dinners. It wasn't very nice to do that to the poor little Hamster." An evil look came into Lemming's eyes... Fire erupted from the chairs of the crowned bovines and they all jumped into the shallow pool. "Now, if one of you farts, this whole place goes up! Muhahaha!" cackled Lemming. "So keep your cheeks in check! You hear me?!" The Council answered timidly, "Y-yes *MOO*" Each council member appeared to be holding their anuses shut. Lemming laughed and then turned back to Itzai. "You ok?" asked Lemming. "Y-y-y-y-y-" was all Itzai could say. "You see what you did to him!? Dammit, you twisted freaks. If he doesn't get better soon I'll..." threatened Lemming. "Lemming, calm down. You've probably doomed them already by setting up all those walls of fire. You know these gluttons can't keep in even a wisp of a fart for long," said a familiar voice. "Rascal!" Itzai yelled as he jumped up and embraced the other Hamster. "Hello, Itzai," said Rascal nearly breathless. "Let up a bit, will ya?" Itzai let go of Rascal. "Alright, even though these cows ARE giant asses, they did bring me here to help you out. I'm here to knight you," "Both literally and figuratively, Rascal. All they do is break wind and they've been acting foolishly lately, thus the literal and figurative meaning," spoke Lemming. "Enough words of wisdom, Lemming," said Rascal. "Itzai, are you ready?" Itzai stood silent and bowed to Rascal. Rascal unsheathed his Knight's Sword of Haste, placed it on Itzai's shoulders: one, then the other, and spoke, "I, Rascal, bestow upon you the glory of Knighthood. Now, rise, Knight Itzai Bitzai of the Bushido Hamsters." Itzai stood up and bowed to Rascal. Rascal glanced at his bare wrist and said, "It's getting late and I've gotta get going. Ogden's is having a 50% off sale all nuts and seed today. Farewell, Itzai. Oh, and Lemming has a few things for you." Before Itzai could inquire as to where Ogden hides his grain supply, Rascal walked away and Itzai then turned to face Lemming. "Pumpernickel gave me something to give to you," said Lemming. "Behold! A Savage Katana of Haste!" Lemming handed the extremely large sword to the Hamster. "T-thank you, Lemming!" Itzai squeaked, accepting the gift while trying to not be tipped over by it. "I've also a Gold Ring of the Stars for you, Itzai," spoke Lemming. "The statistics on it suck, but you don't mind, do you?" "Erm... thanks Lemming." "I knew you'd like it :o]" Lemming then shot off a firebolt in the direction of one of the crowned cows. A very large flame shot up from the cow's ass. "I told you to keep your cheeks in check!" yelled Lemming. "You're lucky I heard that one before it burned up the whole place." Adria lumbered towards the two rodents. "Lemming, it wasn't very nice to kill S***-Spot, though no body really liked her anyway and she always was my least favorite daughter. *MOO* I should never have let her change her name as she did... Anyway, how did YOU get past the Gates of Bovinity?" spoke Adria. "I sense a soul looking for an answer," Lemming paraphrased mockingly. "Lemmings are so full of suicide that nothing can detect their homicidal tendencies, Adria :o] Well, that and this is more of an ultimatum. In the end they'd be doing themselves in." "You steal my trademark again and I'll not sell you blues for a week!" shouted the cow-witch. "*MOO!*" Itzai stood not knowing what to do. He then noticed that the heat from Lemming's firewalls had dried him. "*MOO*" a familiar voice echoed in the cavernous room. Itzai turned and saw Mooita floating behind him. "*MOO* Hello, Hamster! TeeHee, that's fun to say! You got a really nice sword now! *MOO* I don't like it here. Lets leave," suggested Mooita. Itzai and Mooita left Lemming arguing with Adria and the Council trembling in fear of exploding. The two found the exit from the mound and walked out. They spoke a little. "Mooita, how'd you get here?" asked Itzai. "Mommy didn't include me in her spell so I had to take the netherworld bus. Can you believe they charge by the gallon?!" said Mooita. "What's a bus? Gallon?" asked Itzai. "Oh, you don't know what that is yet. Nevermind. It just takes me a really long time to get here when Mommy doesn't include me in her spells," replied Mooita. Itzai walked around the cow city with Mooita. They spoke of Solestri's moo'ing and had a good laugh about that again. Mooita munched some of the grass. Odd it was that she could actually eat the grass since she was living impaired. They finally approached the Gates of Bovinity. "*MOO* Wanna go back now?" asked Mooita with green blades of grass sticking out of her teeth. "Sure," replied Itzai attempting to look away. Suddenly an explosion boomed in the distance and the two spun themselves around. Both watched in horror as every single cow mound exploded, starting with the mound that contained the Council. Terrible screams were heard and assorted well-done beef products splattered to the ground. The force of the explosion knocked Itzai and Mooita through the Gates of Bovinity. Itzai's vision blurred and all that he could see was a white fog. He guessed that he was being transported back to Tristram. Itzai then remembered words Adria had spoken, "Kingdom Cow is the place where everything bovine is kept safe. If something were to go wrong there, it could spell disaster for all cows everywhere." Itzai had a feeling that something terribly wrong was going to happen when he got back to Tristram. The last thing that Itzai thought he heard in the Land of Bovinity was a distant yet familiar voice bellowing "GGGGLLLLOOOORRRRYYY!!!!!!"

"This can't be the end can it?!" Don't bet on it! :)

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